"you can't have EVERYTHING. where would you put it all?"
---joanne c.

with all my love, i'd slip you a concentrated dose of warfarin.

six points HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

i'll keep myself busy until this hiatus ends.

practice makes perfect. LOL!

a healthy dose of bitch does a WORLD of good.

I LOVE IT!

i want to go back to highschool.

i don't want to grow up.

i always thought i never had enough time.

goodjob, issa, GOODJOB!!

*headdesk*

so stupid. really. i was asking for it.

how can it not be bothersome?

are these bonds so meaningless that you sever them so readily?

above average at the very least, fortunate at best.

i could never understand the draw.

what is so alluring amusing?

you always had a choice.

i'm way past that.

let's not and say we did.

strange that i don't want to sift through those.

it's not fair. this is my thing.

so easily distracted.

say something new.

it frustrates me.

to be forced into such monotony... to be ordinary. that will never do. and i shudder at the prospect of it.

is it wrong to not want to be assimilated into this ever-growing flock of SHEEP?

i am so afraid.

so afraid that what convention has to offer me is the only option possible.

will i be able to simply settle and stow my dreams away in a little drawer, only to be admired on cold nights, far, far from the reach of prying eyes?

* * *

Ice - Sarah Mclachlan

The ice is thin come on dive in
Underneath my lucid skin
The cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
Light gets dark and darkness fills
My secret heart forbidden...
I think you worried for me then
The subtle ways that I’d give in but I know
You liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame
You tried to move around the pain but oh
Your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
Only a fool’s here...

I don’t like your tragic sighs
As if your God has passed you by well hey fool
That’s your deception
Your angels speak with jilted tongues
The serpent’s tale has come undone you have no
Strength to squander

The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I’ll take all that I can get
Only a fool’s here to stay
Only a fool’s here to stay
Only a fool’s here...

that's the only part where i feel i belong.

we shall shut our eyes and let passion from lives once lived take control.

i forgot you were even there.

i've been praying for the same thing for almost a decade.

maybe no one is listening.

until i stop looking over my shoulder every time i pass that gate, it will never be over.

did i really care that much?

i still use the possessive case.

was it the hardest thing?

only in my sleep.

but even in dreams...

can't wait for this week to be over.

COME SEPTEMBER!!

i hope you have as bad a day as i did.

it's time for something new.

let's get to work.

i gave you too much credit, so it seems.

maybe... maybe you're not as stoic as i believe you to be.

i won this round.

HAHAHA!

maybe i'm not so far down, after all.

victory is sweet.

sometimes pride is rewarded.

you realize, don't you, that one day it will be too late?

...too late to apologize.

maybe it already is.

what a shame.

what a waste.

I watched P.J. Hogan's Peter Pan for about the millionth time tonight. It really has to be one of the most underrated films of our time.

I read J.M. Barrie's novel and I thought its screen adaptation was faithful to its childlike innocence but at the same time it wasn't afraid to delve into more adult themes.

Peter Pan is ever so much more than just a children's story, after all. That's why it's an enduring classic.

Hm. That and maybe I always thought the idea of Peter and Wendy together was beyond adorable.

* * *

Peter: Forget them, Wendy. Forget them all. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again.
Wendy: Never is an awfully long time.

* * *

Peter: Wendy? ...It's only make-believe, isn't it? That you and I are...
Wendy: Oh. Yes.
Peter: Wendy? You see, it would make me seem so old to be a real father.
Wendy: Peter, what are your real feelings?
Peter: Feelings?
Wendy: What do you feel? Happiness? Sadness? Jealousy?
Peter: Jealousy? ...Tink!
Wendy: Anger?
Peter: Anger... Hook.
Wendy: Love?
Peter: Love?
Wendy: Love.
Peter: I have never heard of it.
Wendy: I think you have, Peter. I daresay you've felt it yourself... for something or... someone.
Peter: Never. Even the sound of it offends me.
Wendy: Peter...
Peter: Why do you spoil everything? We have fun, don't we? I taught you to fight and to fly. What more could there be?
Wendy: There is so much more.
Peter: What? What else is there?
Wendy: I don't know. I think it becomes clearer when you grow up.
Peter: Well, I will not grow up! You cannot make me! I will banish you like Tinker Bell!
Wendy: I will not be banished!
Peter: Then go home. Go home and grow up---and take your feelings with you!

* * *

Wendy: Sir, you are both ungallant and deficient!
Peter: How am I deficient?
Wendy: You're just a boy.

* * *

Peter: You can't catch me and make me a man.
Wendy: Peter...
Peter: I want always to be a boy and have fun.
Wendy: You say so, but I think it is your biggest pretend.

"maybe... it wasn't even friendship.
maybe it was something less."

"according to some law of attraction, you get what you subconsciously think you deserve."

then i must not think i deserve much.

i contradict myself every thirty seconds.

are we waiting for each other?
or is it only because of desperation and unfinished business?

it's all relative.
in my opinion, you're doing nothing wrong. you have all the right.
it's different this time.

doesn't make it hurt any less though right?

i had no idea i had it so good either.

is it about paying dues?

what you want v.s. what you're willing to settle for

sometimes there isn't a choice.

prejudiced.

but in the end, you cannot deny greatness.

love and respect, man.

a wish that there was something more you could've done or could've said to change how things panned out.

twisted belief system. maybe.

what if.

i wish i could see that.

why do you continually reduce yourself to this?

it's what i want.
it's what i need.

it's dangerous to leave a girl like me to be alone with her thoughts.

when it all slips into past tense.

are were.

what is that?

rats.

what's the point then?

one last kindness.

i wonder...

there's so much of it now that it's driving me insane.

well, at least there's sleep.

lies, all of it.

you turn them loose with gritted teeth.

does it make you feel better?

pulling inward, sucked in by the vacuum that just keeps growing in its greed.

grasping at straws, trying to find that ever-elusive needle that was never there in the first place.

miscalculated and underestimated.

one day, there has to be a rematch.

the emptiness just goads me so.

there will be tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth.

why can't i do this anymore?

i bottled it up and shook with all my might...

nothing is happening.

but then it's always nothing now, isn't it?

there are echoes all over this house.

deafening!

and she said she used to see my eyes dance like they never did for any other.

how ironic.

decreased blood clotting time due to... related to...?

SHUT UP!!

so much more to say but can't.

damn it.

* * *

"There's not an ounce of excitement, not a whisper of a thrill... I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish... Yeah be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be. I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion, obsession, something you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows, lightening could strike!"
---Bill Parish, Meet Joe Black

i shouldn't be feeling this way.

people always leave.

i wish i didn't have to be so complicated.
i wish i didn't have to feel things differently.
i wish i didn't have to think so much.

is it so hard to tell the truth?

TALK, DAMN IT!

how can i be? haven't i left you alone?

that's really unfair.

which one is for me?

i feel sick.

how can i believe? when everyday i find a new reason not to.

the old distractions just don't cut it anymore.

i need so much more than that.

abandoned.

i imagined it all.

i needed to fill the void.

i was so off-base.

what do i do now?

Harlem - Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore -
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over -
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

* * *

i must be cursed or something.

it's like trying to cup water in the palms of my hands.

it was always going to come to this.

maybe, in a way... that's a good thing.

it wasn't good for me anyway.

i can't deny that i had hope---even just a bit of it. despite it all, i did hope for something more.

it was naive of me, of course. but i wouldn't be me if i wasn't a little naive... a little idealistic.

i like to believe in that fundamental good. and that at the heart of it all... it comes down to one thing.

exception to the rule, i suppose.

"Some men just want to watch the world burn."
---Alfred Pennyworth, Batman: The Dark Knight

i deserve so much more than that.

but everything's just taking so damn long.

i survived before, didn't i?

gah. i just wish i didn't have to.

it felt so good.

why does that have to go away?

i just want to be happy.
i just want to forget.
i just want to escape.

Sometimes my own silence turns on me
and I can't hide
from the parts of me I thought had died.
And I can't help but see
that all I was has corroded,
and all I am is corrupted,
and all I will be is convoluted.

Maybe I lost hope
like I lost my faith
in so many good things
I held onto long ago.

I followed all the rules
and they followed none---
and still He loved them more.

If no one's playing fair
then why the hell should I?

Screw it.
I'm taking this---
I'm taking it all---
Because in the end
Aren't we all designed to fall?

So while we're on top,
why should we stop?

I'm spreading the love.
I'll swindle your soul
like you've swindled mine
and I'll do it
with my eyes wide open.