God - Nerina Pallot

God is good, I never understood
All the darkness in his soul.
And God made man, the only way he can,
But for a heart he left a hole...

And it's killing you
And it's killing me too
Are we failing the truth?

I'm betting on desire, I'm betting on deceit
I'm betting on a moment when everything is sweet
I'm betting on disaster in every living hour.
Would you burn your fingers if you touched God?
Will he let you in if you have or not?

Once my friend, I loved you as a child
Kissed your face before I slept.
Be in my head, and with me when I sleep
In the bloodied tears he wept.

And it's killing you
And it's killing me too
Are we failing the truth?

I'm betting on indifference, I'm betting on belief
I'm thinking of a beauty where everything's complete
I'm betting on a laughter, a very distant star...
Would you burn your fingers if you touched God?
Will he let you in if you have or not?

And it's killing you
And it's killing me too
Are we failing the truth in everything we do?
Are we failing the truth?

I'm betting on desire, I'm betting on deceit
I'm betting on a moment where everything is sweet
I'm thinking of the beauty I love with all my heart...
Would you burn your fingers if you touched God?
Will he let you in if you have or not?
Will he let you in?

* * *

i feel like throwing up.

i guess that was the last nail on the coffin. there really is nothing to save now.

i'm not surprised that i'm hurt. just surprised that it still hurts this much.

when all you had to do was say, "i'm sorry."

things went way further than i had intended.

it's making me dizzy.

there's so much i don't understand. and i'm getting tired of just taking it all in without thought.

i want to know where i stand.

but i'm afraid to ask.
but i'm afraid of what the answer may be.

i need to cool off.

i'm getting ahead of myself.

i need to establish myself as more than just THAT.

i need to be who i am again.

i think this may just be the beginning.

but from which end?

can't seem to get a proper foothold.

i wasn't just SOME girl.
i was THE girl.
and i still am.

if you don't want it, somebody sure as hell will.

kung ayaw mo---huwag mo!

you underestimate me.

what this game needs is more players.
on my side though, of course.

sometimes i want to think.
sometimes i want to ask.
but then i remember that those are against the rules.
and i've broken way too many as of late.

i'm fighting and you don't even know it.

always between freedom and imprisonment.
and i wonder if maybe it was better that i never felt free... just so i wouldn't have anything to miss.

makes me feel alive.

oh well.

akala mo may pupulot pa sa 'yo?
eh tanga ka pala eh.

why settle, when you can upgrade?

Off the Edge of Reason

In a corner of darkness,
hidden high atop the spires
of a bleach-white castle...
shadows play with fire.

As the sun shines
As the rain falls
through the night sky...
contact flames skip in the mist,
wrapped in a fever
of fleeting insatiability,
celebrating a condemnation to hell.

It's a playground of Perception---
slave-driver of desperate forms
trapped in a chamber
of crumbling walls
and floors of shattered promises.

Questions aren't allowed
Thought is futile
Swallow your words---
sweetness meant only for you
Hush! Or it will all blow out.

Meaning without meaning
Take it---can't leave it
Watch as they jump
off the edge of reason.

sets me on fire
and i'm going to hell
gladly
willingly
just try and stop me

screw it all
i'm done
i think too much

i'm taking this
i'm taking it all
i deserve it

don't worry
in the end
i won't be crying
not this time

i guess i really didn't mean what i said two and a half months ago.

it just makes me laugh at how naive i was---not that i'm so much less naive now but... i've lost a sizable amount of it.

oh if you only knew how easy it was for me to pick myself up. i didn't even break a sweat.

you snooze, you lose, baby.

* * *

only making it harder.

IDIOT!!!!!

you don't want to care about what happens? hahahahahaaa!! that's cute. but honey, you already care way too much.

hope is the enemy.

even in your head it sounds crazy! even more so now!

disgusting.

in every way you are weak.

you are just stalling.

because you know you'll lose---and you hate losing.

there is NOTHING you can do to keep this.

* * *

‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay

it's just one of those days that you go through with this puzzled sort of expression plastered across your face, almost as if the sun was perpetually flashing straight at it---the squinted eyes, the knitted eyebrows, the scrunched up nose, and the sour sort of grimace on your lips. but most of all it's that huge ass question mark dancing around in your brain, bumping off all other thought into the very back stacks of your mind.

which, if you want to condense it into one uhm... sound... comes up to a resounding "WHUUUUT???"

i really don't know how to digest everything that's been happening because none of it makes any smidgen of sense whatsoever.

i guess i'm pretty much taking it one day at a time.

i mean, sure, it would be nice to explore possibilities and all that but...

WHATEVER.

i'll just deal with it either way. i don't want to read too much into it. i'm done doing that.

damn. why does my life always have to be such an effing circus???

i hope my sophomore-year curse really stays a sophomore-year curse. this is a new year---my JUNIOR year. and i sincerely hope that despite all the talk that this is supposed to be one of the most difficult academic years of my natural life... that it might bring good in OTHER parts of my existence.

i'm in a good place right now.

i mean, sure, i still wish IMMENSE BODILY PAIN on a certain someone people but... other than that...

i'm zen.

that word is like my new 'ism'.

but i have a good feeling about what's to come actually. i have been... ON FIRE lately. and everyone's been noticing.

watch out world!! WATCH OUT!

Issa: i don't like turtles. or frogs.
Issa: for some reason
Ryan: frogs are DISGUSTING
Ryan: and turtles rock socks man
Ryan: your just jealous coz you dont have a shell
Ryan: you fool
Issa: HAHAHAHA maybe
Ryan: man i know you
Ryan: ive got you pinned
Ryan: im like... in your head

* * *

okay, issa. that's enough. seriously.

this is too much, too fast.

we get it, okay? you feel bad. fine.

but this has to stop.

IT'S WRONG!

there are not enough words in the human language to describe how WRONG this is.

control yourself!

you've been building yourself up to be so much stronger than this---so much SMARTER than this.

this is not the version of yourself that you want to be.

it's not like you to be this selfish.

you're stupid a lot of the time but you're not allowed to be THIS stupid.

you don't need this.

it's temporary and ultimately ineffective.

leave this to the last days of summer where it belongs and get over yourself.

get your head back in the game.

i still have no idea why people enjoy doing this. i didn't really get a lot of sleep, my stomach feels like its housing a live snake, there's a dull tapping sensation on my forehead and i can't stop burping.

but for the first time in a long time... i'm awake and ALIVE.

i can't stop laughing.

this is the beginning.

i can't believe i felt so bad about this.

it was never worth it. i regret EVERYTHING. i wish it never happened.

you really don't have to try so hard. you're giving yourself way too much importance.

we never met and i don't know who you are.

it was a MISTAKE because i'm too good for this. way too good.

oh yeah. the bitch is back. most DEFINITELY back. hollaaaaa!