my god. it's so close. i haven't felt it until now.

will this chance that i am taking matter at all?

i curse myself for never being good at chess.

i feel like every move i make leads me to a check. every move i make, proving my glaring lack of foresight.

i don't want to play these games anymore.

i just want to live. is that so wrong?

and so what if it means living without YOU?

and so what if it means staying here?

it's mine, don't you understand? IT'S MINE.

* * *

a few good quotes i've come by in reading janet fitch's white oleander these past two days.

"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way."

"Panic was the worst thing. When you panicked, you couldn't see possibilities. Then came despair... Despair was the killer. I had to prepare, hold hope between my palms like the flame of the last match in a long Arctic night... You never knew when rescue might come."

sometimes, i just have to step back and look at my life in disbelief.

if you looked past my twisted, apathetic take on the whole situation... you'd say that all these events were from some bad soap opera.

REALLY bad soap opera.

i mean, seriously... she was screaming at him from a second floor room and he was screaming at her from the car in front of the gate... about legal documents on christmas morning.

when you come right down to it, i don't want to spend christmas... or any other day of the year with either of those two blockheads.

* * *

you made my morning nyahahahahahaha!! oh happiness.

i'm over it.

merry christmas.

i don't need you to pity me.

i do too much of that on my own.

i don't need to worry about it till next year, right? how come that's changed all of a sudden?

just because you feel guilty.

whatever.

I don't need that right now.

have a merry christmas.

maybe it's because you'll think i'll always get over it that you don't have to really take it seriously when i get annoyed.

that's a good trait of mine and i know it.

but that doesn't mean you have to treat me with less concern.

i don't mean that you have to say ten million sorry's. one is good---especially when you remember to say it.

so say it.

just so i don't feel like i'm being taken advantage of.

* * *

mahirap din naman yung mga pinag-titiisan ko.

parati nalang ako yung kailangan umuntindi kahit di ko naman alam kung anong nangyayari.

basta ganon na lang, issa.
di mo kailangan malaman, issa.
wag mo na alamin, issa.
isang araw, issa.

sige, fine... issues mo yan.

the decision to let people in on them is all on you. it just sucks that i'm never one of them.

it's not that we don't trust you, issa...

minsan hindi ko na alam. minsan feeling ko bullsh*t nalang yan eh.

* * *

my life is so pathetic.

i have one source of happiness. wow. that is just so great. really.

maybe i should just leave and sell my soul. i'm constantly reminded that it's not worth anything anyway.

and yes, maybe i'm being emo, irrational, and way too much of a drama queen.

but dammet this is my blog and this is what i feel right now. and you're a hypocrite if you say that you don't have these moments yourself too.

now, excuse me, i'm going to eat some fruitcake. it makes me happy.

my heart is so heavy that i feel like it's going to drop down to my feet.

is this it? is this finally it?

is this why all this crap has been happening? to tell me to go?

come to think of it, i've just been deluding myself all this time. i knew it. i just knew it.

but i hoped.

see, this is why i detach myself. it's not because i'm afraid of the possibiliy that i might get hurt. it's because i KNOW i'm gonna get hurt.

i---we have have two years to live. i can hear the deafening ticking in my head.

we're not gonna make it, are we?

so much DRAMA.

hate it.

chuck your pride and listen to REASON.

it's just so STUPID.

* * *

three blind mice
telling me to

run
run
run

where?

down there.

down where?
there's nothing there!

run
run
run

there's something there
there's something there

run
run
run

now i'm lost in nowhere

where do i fit in?

what am i going to do?

do i really want this?

why am i so dysfunctional?

why am i so useless?

it sucks to be the ophelia of this play.

because ophelia kills herself.

ok. it does not just suck because of the whole suicide thing.

but mostly because ophelia never knows ANYTHING. and because she doesn't know anything, she doesn't understand anything. and because she doesn't understand anything, she's helpless and utterly useless.

see the vicious cycle here?

i think being that separated from any sort of control over your life would drive anyone kind of bonkers. and suicidal.

and so you'd think that this would make people less inclined to help contribute to other people's ophelia-states but you are WRONG.

BECAUSE I'M STILL AN OPHELIA!!

and sure, i comfort myself in thinking that there are just some things that some people don't tell other people because they don't feel comfortable.

whatever.

WHY are you not comfortable?? how can i get close to you, become a better friend to you if you can't let me in?

i can't help but feel hurt about it, you know?

i just want to know what's going on. D*** IT!

because then maybe i could actually DO something about it. i hate just waiting while things go out of control. i want to pull the brakes---anything, really.

i want to know how to act around you. i want to stop feeling like such a useless friend.

i'm pissed off.

this is just so typical. WHY do i even bother? WHY??

sure, i understand the rationale. i just feel bad, all right? and i should be able to irrationally express it.

i'm not really mad at anyone. just pissed off at the way things turned out.

again, i am home alone on a weekend. botched plans. nothing nice to make the earlier part of the week part of forgotten memory.

and i bet someone else is way more pissed off than i am. which sucks because... i wanted this to be a bonding thing for us... so maybe she wouldn't feel that way anymore. or at least feel less of it.

and yet the complete opposite happens.

God hates me.

why am i still alive? seriously. coz nobody thinks i'm going to do anything worth... anything anyway.

my life is going to fall apart and i'm gonna go to hell. i am so sure.

DECEMBER ONE---portu anong gagawin natin??? ONE YEAR ANNIV NA!! wala pang pasok! THERE'S NO MORE EXCUSE NOT TO GET TOGETHER!! i miss you guys na! ANO BA!!

* * *

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
---Norman Cousin

* * *

All Good Things (Come To An End) - Nelly Furtado

Honestly, what will become of me?
don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day
til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

* * *

peter pan reminds me of better times

of secrets and hideaways
of worlds and wonder
of dreaming awake
of magic and make-believe
of mermaids, fairies and unicorns
of flying and eating clouds
of castles and forrests
of adventures and quests
of surviving on a basket of bread
of trees made of gold and silver
of flowers made of jewels
of magic mirrors and lamps
of being a princess with her prince
of kisses and happily ever after
of never, ever growing up

it's 6AM
what a beautiful day
do i have to go, baby?
not tomorrow
just push it all back
pull the breaks and
save me

i'll take this peace and go
coz i don't want to sell my soul

don't want to be lying on the floor
dying by the door
crying out for more

because tears turn to rust
when dreams crumble into dust

for so long i focused that part of me on you. but i've recently realized that you just don't matter that much anymore. so what am i supposed to do now?

i need so much more than that.

i can't help but ask for it. i want it. i've got to have it. my greatest fear is to do without it.

loving you
isn't really something i should do
shouldn't want to spend my time with you
well, i should try to be strong
but baby you're the right kind of wrong

some friends you are. you reek of unreliable. i can't wait until i can forget any of you even exist.

well it's alright
yeah i'll be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine
just take your love and hit the road

"i'm giving up your dream, i'm going after mine."
---ice princess

i'm going to do everything in my power to make this change. i'm so tired of being afraid.

do i have to be dark to impress you?
do i have to be dank to depress you?
do i have to thank you to supress you?

nobody knew
56 was the devil's number too.

on the edge of scarlet cliff
dreading, waiting for the plunge
but the gates are shut
and the key is lost within

now all the dark angel's sweet, sweet calls
are drowning, dying, disappearing
in the cold, rushing rapids
going backwards from the close

so pry those doors open till your fingers run
let the wind howl
let the piercing nothing break
anything, anything, anything
to take to the sky and kiss the beast goodbye

let uncertainty have its sordid play
the lights shall shine and they shall dim
the scenes shall change from this and that
the curtains shall rise and they shall fall
and the lives of men shall walk through them all

but in the end---
in the sublime conlusion
only the jump matters
that leap of truth, of beauty, of love
of freedom and of flight,
believing in the possession of right

i did something REALLY stupid today.

i swear to the heavens ABOVE---sci-fi movies just spell TROUBLE!!

T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

oh well. it was the adrenalin. and the recklessness. and the curiousity. i just HAD TO!!

it's not like anything's gonna happen.

right?

absolutely.

crud. i can't believe ateneo lost.

there'd better be no school tomorrow.

oh lordy i feel like my heart and brain are about to explode.

WHY ARE MY STAND-BY'S UNAVAILABLE??? THEY'RE STAND-BY'S!!!!

guh.

i'm so stupid.

robin hood.

chicharon.

pandesal.

pusoy dos.

manila baguio nights.

i still love leonardo dicaprio.

hahahahaha!!

someone's watching,
somewhere waiting.

no one's there---
no one's ever there.

i can hardly breathe.

where is fascination?
where is captivation?

where is absolution?
where is resurrection?

you can't leave me here.

"We all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down... with us trapped, locked in it."
---Tennessee Williams

* * *

"Everyday that I have to come to this school, is another day I don't have to come back." ---Jimmy Edwards, One Tree Hill

oh the things that keep me sane these days.

the sweet thoughts that used to tickle my lips only come for a few hours in a week.

i'm existing but i sure as hell ain't living.
i want to stop spending my days wishing they were over.

"any problems with school?"
"i always have problems with school now."
"why?"
"because i hate it."

stop asking questions you already know the answers to.

turd.

i'm sorry but i don't love you anymore. but i still care. i care enough to hate you with every fibre of my being.

streams made invisible by night. cries drowned out by the pouring rain.

no rescue will come.

i just keep lifting myself up to be knocked down again. how stupid is that?

so go on, let me down. everybody seems to love doing that.

everyone knows i love to laugh. everyone knows i love to smile. i had so many different kinds to express at my liesure. but now i forget one laugh or one smile i used to know so well with every day that passes me by.

i don't know what's more pathetic:
-the fact that i wish i was happy again
or
-the fact that i wish i was never happy to begin with

because true happiness... once you've got a taste of it... you'll spend your whole life wanting only that.

how am i going to survive four years in this God-forsaken hell hole when i'm already crying mercy before the first semester is even over?

"we can only do this for so long," she said.

my one spec of hope and sanity can only last for so long. that simple sentence rendered me speechless and suddenly i felt like time had sucked the breath from inside of me. it took me to a dark place and they didn't even notice.

what happens when for-so-long comes? what will i have then?

i'd love to do this until our hair turns grey (or white) but that's just me. apparently just me.

you can't keep passion bottled up forever. it'll always find a way to pop out.

actually, for me, it's already out. i just don't know what to do with it.

why am i having this stupid party anyway?

to forget my growing list of heartaches for a day just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

if i were a weaker person maybe i'd be on drugs.

or maybe i'd be dead.

and at the end of the day... would any of that matter to anyone?

because as far as i'm concerned... i'm dead already.

my dreams have been burried alive beneathe the earth, gasping for air that will never come.

i just threw my sense of coherence out the window for tonight.

we are the stories we tell.

It is easy for those who love us and know us truly to recognize who we are, no matter how disguised we may be. Be it through our own means or by the means nature, their sight is infallible. For they see more of our soul than anything else.

it's always the pretty ones that carry the dealiest weapons.

you're a handsome dream. i still haven't let you go.

paranoia.

i am a stupid, angry little girl.

Sometimes it takes a long time for us to accept what is right. But when someone is so desperate, so empty, and so lost, acceptance rushes in like a flood. It is as if we were stranded in darkness for so long and then we see a tiny light shining in the distance. We will not think to question it. We will simply run to it, our every fiber filled with the desire to reach it.

so why am i not running?

* * *

I Alone - Live

it's easier not to be wise
and measure these things by your brains
I sank into Eden with you
alone in the church by and by
I'll read to you here, save your eyes
you'll need them, your boat is at sea
your anchor is up, you've been swept away
and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate
to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

I alone love you
I alone tempt you
I alone love you
fear is not the end of this!

it's easier not to be great
and measure these things by your eyes
we long to be here by his resolve
alone in the church by and by
to cradle the baby in space
and leave you there by yourself chained to fate

oh, now, we took it back too far,
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn
all come runnin' back to you,
all these rhythms that you hide
only love can save us now,
all these riddles that you burn yeah, yeah, yeah

sometimes you just need to laugh.

that's what dr. tran is for.

why don't you pick my brain?

i'd love to know what you think.

* * *

man i hope he got those lines wrong because i couldn't take otherwise.

I.N.R.L.

i think i might just be writing a song. it's crap so don't ask me to sing it. but there... it's unfinished but i like the poetry so far.

SATURDAYS

Open up those eyes
Breathe in the sweetness of Alive
On Saturday
Only on Saturday

Reach in
Watch the ripples go
Touch the bottom
Let me know
On Saturday
Only on Saturday

Can't you hear the laughter?
See just what comes after

Let go
You don't have to know
Just take this bliss
And off you go
On Saturday
Only on Saturday

Can't you hear the music?
I don't want to lose it.

Coz this world is full of sad, sad stories,
Lost dreams and forgotten glory
So everyone needs Saturday
To take that step and fly away
I know it may seem stupid
But everyone needs to be stupid sometimes

i don't want to got to school.

save me.

i'm just tired. tired of pretending everything's ok and i can learn to live with all of it.

i want bamboo.

i want to be happy.

"everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone
"...where is my soul?"

i wish i could afford that alternate reality.

their fingers skim these waters. they can't even begin to imagine what the bottom looks like. or if there's any at all.

i miss how you see right through me.

can't understand that. and never will.

it's unfair. it's unfair because i wanted that first.

i want my destiny.

sometimes bad memories catch up on you and it's like they suck up all the breath in your body.

separation anxiety.

i can hardly breathe.

thank god for bimbo happiness. thank god for saturdays. thank god for friendship.

* * *

today... i wrote a poem. i don't know if it's good enough to put in my deviantart yet... so i'm putting it here first. let me know what you think.

SHATTER

what is
what is not
what will never be

looking back
looking at
looking into me

cold beneath my fingertips
cold beneath the echoes
cold beneath the truthful lies

this ice is thin
i could dive in
and just drown in
this uncommitted sin

but a frozen soul
will hunger for
redemption in the flames

so i look away
and i stay
imprisoned in the chase
the never-ending game

for this fickle beauty
that fades and yet remains
is all that i have
all that i will ever have
all that i will ever want to have

i remember the days when that was mine.

what happened?

can't i have it back?

i saw sister irene (the principal during my senior year) at the clinics area of the hospital yesterday.

woah. hahahaha!

stopped for a chat.

i never felt close to her really... until then. i felt like home was coming to give me hug and tell me to hang in there.

and that everything would be ok in the end.

even though she didn't even know my name.

* * *

walking home from the katipunan LRT station, the billboard on the turn we used to make to get to marcos highway in my gs/hs days caught my eye.

the simple fact that there was a different ad on the billboard...

wow.

yeah. i'm like a broken record of an ode to highschool.

* * *

Don't You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

I say :
La la la...

I want a universal remote.

I want a breakfast club.

on second thought, maybe not. i don't like waking up for breakfast. hahahahaha!

a lunch club?

whatever.

oh my bad days continue.

i wake up EARLY for AMP CAMP to find out that pia can't make it.

fine i can still go. JR's still there.

but no. i call and he says he won't go.

so who the hell will i stay with, right? so i decide NOT to go and make other plans to watch a movie with ninong and tita tin at eastwood.

THEN JR calls and says he CAN make it and he's waiting for me. so i CANCEL and try to get a ride to ateneo.

but my ride takes an HOUR to get me and once i call JR again, he has LEFT for a gig with his sister.

and now i can't even get in touch with BAM who i made plans with like days ago to hang out later this afternoon. i call her house. i call her phone. NOTHING.

i know it's no one's fault but i'm HELLA pissed off.

i'm stuck at home on the saturday i was really looking forward to.

just fabulous.

The floodgates of Absence have been opened, heralding imminent comsummation. And as every breath grows more harrowed, a pale hand stretches out, grasping for redemption.

* * *

i am a coward. i cry imprisonment yet call this cage my home... for failure and the darkness of uncertainty lie waiting beyond it.

sometimes i think my life would be so much easier if i wasn't such an artist.

Maybe I should just jump to see how far Bottom really is.

saturday can't come quickly enough.

* * *

...and misery inked black upon her cheeks...

drawing circles on the sand
the tide comes in
a million times
i can't stop
i won't stop
till they stay
i have to make them stay

* * *

class suspension is music to my ears. i love the rain.

stuck in a loop
i've waved goodbye
a million times
i can't let go
i won't let go
rewind
just rewind

* * *

you see it's not us. it's YOU. it's always been YOU. you drive people away coz you're too freaking unreasonable. you're going to lose this one and the next one and the next one. because it's too late for you to change. you're just gonna die alone, plain and simple.

i can't wait. i can't wait till i don't have to see your stupid face.

* * *

i want to run away and hide in your house so BAD!! hahahahahaha!!

i miss your weird squishy-but-not-so-squishy hugs!

i want to get out of this perennial bad day!!!!!!!!!!

As she spoke, Jo took off her bonnet, and a general outcry arose, for all her abundant hair was cut short.

"Your hair! Your beautiful hair!"
"Oh, Jo, how could you? Your one beauty."

---Little Women

* * *

there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough...

* * *

i am at the threshold of acceptance.

all those summer trepidations have been carefully stowed away.
all blissful dreams have been sadly locked away.

now a new door opens before me. it is dark, cold and forbidding and i tremble as it slowly creaks open.

is it failure? for i feel now what i have rarely felt before. its shadow curdles my insides. i am weak. i am dying. i am nothing.

it is a consummation into doubt and i will burn to ash.

all i plead is salvation for the damned.

* * *

i hate college.

i want to die.

you made my day. i've really just been waiting for you to say those words. i don't know why you waited this long or why you just didn't say it to my face. but beggars can't really be choosers. i just hope this is the fresh start we've been waiting for. please. no more drama. i just want to hug you like i used to.

this doesn't mean as much to you as it does to me. so expect me to fight.

it's still there. GOD WHY IS IT STILL THERE???

i have to wash my mouth out with soap. this habit is REALLY getting on my nerves. curse my fate. CURSE IT ALL!!

ngayon... masaya naman ako na nalalaman ko pa na namimiss mo pa ako. pero sa una lang yan. makakalimutan mo rin ang lahat. at kapag dumating ang araw na yun...

andito pa rin siguro ako.

Good Enough - Sarah Mclachlan

Hey your glass is empty
It's a hell of a long way home
Why don't you let me take you
It's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I've heard
It's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it from me

Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
Don't tell me I have never been there for you
Don't tell me why
Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it's ok
The door is open come on outside
No I can't come out today
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who's there that makes you so afraid
You're shaken to the bone
And I don't understand
You deserve so much more than this

So don't tell me why
He's never been good to you
Don't tell me why
He's never been there for you
Don't you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I'll show you why
You're so much more than good enough...

it really ticks me off that i'm still stuck in the same place with you and that i can't seem to get the closure i need without crushing you into fine powder under extremely hot stiletto heels. you drive me to evil things.

i'm sad. our little puppy dog baby is in the animal hospital. i miss him.

outsiders unite!

should i or should i not... man... here i am again. putting myself out there. why am i never on that other side??? the side where they just watch?

making a total jackass of myself onstage (thank GOD i'll never go there or see those people again in my life---you don't need to know about it) made me totally realize how much i miss eruen.

now what am i going to do?

i kissed the best years of my life goodbye and now i think i have to settle for a lifetime of wishing they weren't over.

because right now i feel as if this will never be good enough and no matter how many times i cry rivers over it... it's just never going to get better.

everyday i ask myself... hey... maybe i should call you. there's no denying i want to.

it's just that...

you're so happy.

i just don't think i belong in that world anymore.

just forget it. forget me. forget everything.

Witness -Sarah Mclachlan

Make me a witness
take me out
out of darkness
out of doubt

I won't weigh you down
with good intention
won't make fire out of clay
or other inventions

Will we burn in heaven
like we do down here
will the change come
while we're waiting?
Everyone is waiting...

And when we're done
soul searching
as we carried the weight
and died for a cause
is misery
made beautiful
right before our eyes
will mercy be revealed
or blind us where we stand

Will we burn in heaven
like we do down here
will the change come
while we're waiting?
everyone is waiting...

i just have to suck it up.

not everybody has the luxury to be like you and get everything so easy.

but know... know that every day that you forget that i exist... i can only think of you.

earth, swallow me up already.

i watched the mighty ducks marathon on star movies this morning.

i just found it kind of entertaining that the evil teams ALWAYS wears black. it's like oooh we're bad coz we're in BLACK.

i mean, would it be such a violation of good-versus-evil rules if the bad team wore pink or something? hahahahaha! ok. fine. not pink. but what about dark blue? or green?

why does it always have to be A DARK COLOR???

lordy. hahaha.

banks, charlie and dean portman are so hot, what can i say?

summer's at its end.

OH GOD!!

technically, i'm NOT sick anymore but i think i just feel a whole kind of other sick right about now.

i am terribly sick. eurgh. i've got a sore throat and a cold.

my volume level has been reduced five-hundred fold. hahaha. that's when i DO speak. but i choose not to speak at all since every word that comes out of my mouth feels like i'm being stabbed in my throat.

have i not said how much i hate sore throats? give me a cold any day. or a fever. just never a sore throat.

guhhh!! it hurts so bad!!

you know another thing i just can't take? injections. yeah, they're little needles. they "hurt just like an ant bite would". but let me tell you, ANT BITES REALLY HURT.

i mean, i remember when i was a kid, my brother and i were running around the beach and we accidentally stepped on a red ant hill. THAT WAS IMMENSE PAIN!! from ANT BITES!!

fine. they were a lot of ants. but ant bites still hurt.

i feel a whole lot better now.

THANK GOD WE FINALLY HAD A PROPER TALK. sure, it was kind of we talked and she listened but... she did put in a few helpful words. at least i know everything's not dead.

and i got a lot of things off my chest. finally. they were like fomenting in there or something.

there is hope. THERE IS HOPE!!

can't say the same thing for someone else a little bit closer to home though.

i don't care how many times they try to oprah our relationship... there are really some things you can't change.

like how it's written in the stars that something i made a complete moron of myself over was just NOT MEANT TO BE.

ok. that's it. i'm sleepy now.

i keep things because i'm silly. i'm silly because i keep things.

things fade so fast...

i hope want need wish pray plead implore for things to get better.

* * * *

i feel like someone died.

and not just the kind of someone whose funeral you attend just for the free food.

a vastly important someone. and to say the loss is overwhelming would be a grave understatement. no pun intended.

but at the same time, i can't say i didn't somehow expect this kind of thing to happen.

i mean, everything has to end sometime. it is, after all, the inescapable curse and blessing of our existence. plus, going into the whole thing... i already had this fear at the back of my mind.

i invested too much even when i had my doubts. i don't regret it. if that's all i was meant to have then i'm glad to have even that much.

sure, i may be jumping to conclusions with all of this but... there was a foreboding kind of finality in the air that day.

i knew it. they knew it. we knew it.

there's no point dwelling on what if's and could've been's. it's not like i can change anything. and even if i could, maybe it's better if i didn't.

God gave me these people to help regain my footing. and now that i have, it's time i take the next steps on my own. why can't i just DEAL WITH THAT?

maybe i've been overanalyzing myself using the wrong angle.

maybe i'm not afraid that i won't be good enough.

maybe i'm afraid that i AM good enough.

because then i'd owe it to myself to do SOMETHING about it. to not let it go to waste. but i just have no clue what the hell that something is. i have no clue whatsoever related to that something.

i have nothing.

i always wondered how people let such phenomenal things slip through their fingers. i just couldn't fathom it. how could they squander such a blessing? HOW??

but now i guess... i kind of know.

yesterday's magic... is today's memory.

i just hope i can grin, bear it, and see some new tricks tomorrow.

closet rock stars.

9,999 out of a thousand get squashed by The Man.

am i such a loser for knowing the pokemon theme song by heart?

uh yeah. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

but i am proud to be a pokefan!

*dies of laughter*

oh my grade five days. how i miss you so.

another cartoon i still remember most of the theme song: CAPTAIN PLANET.

was there anyone cooler than captain planet back in like the third grade? hahahaahhahahaah!!

kailan ba yung captain planet???

OH YEAH and jem and the holograms! man they were so cool! i wish i had those earrings! i'd never have to go shopping EVER!!

ok. hahahahaha. turd time: TERMINATED.

today has passed away
and none of you will stay
to bid my stars goodbye
i am left to question why

AMERICANS ARE SO STUPID!! gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

my heart weeps for chris daughtry!

why, oh why???

HE SHUDDA WON!!

okay i've got my phone back. and i think i might have to replace it soon. probably once i figure out how to transfer the pictures i took with it.

* * *

i REALLY detest james bond.

* * *

it's so hot.

it's the greenhouse effect, i tell ya!

*runs around madly declaring the end of all civilization*

this heat's got me delirious.

on a side note: my phone's in the repair shop... so don't be surprised if i don't reply or whatever.

today, my braces got tightened for the first time.

my GOD. pia wasn't kidding about that whole "slow torture" thing. makes me wonder what ELSE she wasn't kidding about.

now it's like i'm on some automatic diet. i've been on soups and mashes and salads. but now it's all soup. pre-tightening, i could still chew stuff. now i so can't.

i can hardly even speak.

being quiet does NOT become me.

so THAT'S why people with braces have a hard time saying the letter 's'. it HURTS.

but i am not lisp-ing. i am trying very hard to say my S's.

*sigh*

i would normally say, "what the hell have i gotten myself into?"

but i pushed strongly for this change so, in effect, i am strangely optimistic about all the hardship concerning it.

if only i could be that way towards OTHER kinds of changes.

*sigh*

at least i still have ice cream.

what a sad, sad world this would be without ice cream.

this is probably the first summer that i am NOT broke.

yeah. i have money. enough to open a savings account (which i will probably do this wednesday).

i can hardly believe it. for the longest time i've equated summer with begging my dad for money whenever i go out, sticking to the old stand-by reason of, "i don't get allowance anymore, remember?"

but just because i'm not running dry... that's no reason for you people to start asking me for freebies. i am still notoriously kuripot. especially now that i have something to be kuripot about.

what is kuripot in english? i can't seem to think of it at the moment.

EDIT: it's stingy! STINGY!! OF COURSE! thanks, beij. hahaha. goodness WHERE IS MY BRAIN?

don't answer that.

* * *

summer means we do a garage sale since it's about the only time we can sort out all the crap buildup in the house.

it's kind of therapeutic to throw things away and segregate them. but at the same time it's still kind of sad.

i mean, as i was trying to put a little more order in my cabinet a few minutes ago, i realized just how much trouble i have with throwing things away now.

i guess that's how it is when a person starts to actually care that time goes by.

* * *

note to self: try HARDER to follow angel's summer advice

i'm back.

and feeling better. i guess i just needed to cool over a bit. no pun intended.

so today, i've received more goodies from my mom.

my GOSH we look like we're stocking up for a famine-slash-armageddon with the amount of food she's sent us.

i can only hope our appetites serve us well before they all turn.

* * *

i have strange urges to clean up all of a sudden.

maybe this is why my mother always wanted us to "spring clean".

i mean, i've never been a neat freak. not really. so these OC fits are kinda freaking me out.

i think i'm going to have a garage sale---my closet looks like a war zone.

and open a bank account. whut? hahahaha! i don't know where that came from but whatever.

* * *

molly ringwald IS the 80's.

i love the breakfast club. i love sixteen candles. i love weird science.

john hughes is the MASTER!!

STATUS: in Baguio for the next three days.

oh joy. i think i might just burst with excitement.

i'm going out. oh my God. i think i need to hold on to something.

geez.

later, fools.

i'm off to stuff myself with strawberries.

Finale B - RENT cast

MARK
There is no future
There is no past

ROGER
Thank God this
Moment's no the last

MIMI & ROGER
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret or
Life is yours to miss

ALL
No other road no other way
No day but today

WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal

MEN
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare

WOMEN
Is just to be
Without
You
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Life goes on
But I'm gone

MEN
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way

WOMEN
'Cause I die
Without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you

MEN
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

ALL
NO DAY BUT TODAY!!

WARNING: extremely angry-slash-emo-slash-confused entry below

am i being unreasonable?

am i being paranoid?

am i being silly?

am i being stupid?

am i being selfish?

TOTALLY.

however wrong, scattered and off-base my next few thoughts are---i just have to let them out.

i can't help it.

i'm slipping back into my old ways. it was only because of them that i was even remotely close to keeping my head above the water.

i can't help but feel that's all over now. good God, maybe it is.

and i'm so awfully afraid of facing this absolutely horrible thing without any love or anything even resembling familiarity to clutch onto for support.

i'm sorry i don't have the perfect family to count on like all of you seem to. i only have you guys.

so right now i feel like i have nothing again. nothing. and i haven't felt like that in ages. it's like my dark days all over again.

i thought keeping myself busy would help keep these kinds of thoughts away but, if anything, it's made it worse.

i thought they'd try harder seeing as we probably wouldn't have as much time for each other anymore.

man was i ever wrong.

i guess that's why i'm so touchy whenever they flake out on the smallest things. i feel like they'd just as easily flake out on me like that.

it's just so easy to say "i'll be there for you when you need me".

SO WHERE WERE YOU??? HUH??? WHERE WERE YOU, DAMN IT!!!

*sigh*

it's unfair. it's wrong.

i mean, how would they know?

maybe i just expect them to.

GOD WHY AM I DOING THIS???

why do i always have to be the one in need anyway?

i just need to talk to you. i just need to see you. i just need you to take me seriously. FOR ONCE.

man i used to have no problem with that. getting people to take me seriously, i mean.

what happened to me?

what's going to happen to me?

maybe i should just pack up and leave after all. obviously, not a lot of people want me to stick around. it's like i'm investing way too much on people that just don't care as much as i do.

but then. that's not what it's about, is it?

they still matter the most to me. man, i'd take a bagillion bullets for them.

all i want is that they remember i'm still breathing.

goodness. my pronoun use is so inconsistent.

*breathes in and out*

i am so stupid. and pathetic.

AND STUPID.

*bangs head on table repeatedly*

make the voices shut up.

i've been reading Louisa May Alcott's Little Women for the past few days. Here are a few passages I quite liked:

"How silly," said Jo; "let him be a musician, if he wants to, and not plague his life out sending him to college, when he hates to go."

Although the oldest, Jo had the least self-control, and she had hard times trying to curb the fiery spirit which was continually getting her into trouble; her anger never lasted long, and having humbly confessed her fault, she sincerely repented, and tried to do better. Her sisters used to say, that they rather liked to get Jo in a fury, because she was such an angel afterward. Poor Jo tried desperately to be good, but her bosom enemy was always ready to flame up and defeat her; and it took years of patient effort to subdue it.

my sagely younger brother on ace young:

"ace young is evil. he corrupts/hypnotizes the minds of weak minded americans (aka little girls). it's like those records that when you play backwards, there's a satanic message on it."

funniness.

* * *

i'm watching reruns fushigi yuugi on animax. HAHAHAHAHA!! it has to be the cheesiest anime EVER but it brings back good memories.

i used to be addicted to it back in sixth grade.

to be fair, the plot is pretty absorbing. but the dialogue is another story. think of the cheesiest pinoy telenovela but possibly worse.

in any case, it's highly amusing so i'm not really complaining.

i've finally got my haircut! hahahaha! and this time it's not the cheating kind of trim or layering. they took off like seven inches off!

it feels really weird when i run my hands through it now.

but i have to say, there was a conflicted sort of satisfacion as i watched it all get severed. it was like, "FINALLY... !" but at the same time, "oh crap and it was so long too!"

tomorrow, i will have my last tooth extracted before they fit me with braces. i'm pretty excited about that too.

and next month, i'm getting a perm.

seriously.

i'm really loading up on change this summer---in more ways than one, i hope.

i hate my father.

i hate him.

he should just go to hell.

oh wait. he's already on his way there.

what a fool.

college is making my life hell and i haven't even started yet.

on the one hand, we have UP.

on the other hand, we have UST.

a few days ago, the decision would've been as easy as cake. now... well... not so much anymore.

i want to die.

every kind of boredom can be overcome by a good book.

* * *

i can proudly say i exercise now! i'm a gym-goer. whuuut? hahahahaha! i'm such a loser. but whatever. hopefully, in a few months time, i'll be a FIT loser. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

3 down, 1 to go.

* * *

ai vants to kat mai huhr!!

i shall do it soon. friday perhaps.

* * *

i want my benders but i don't want 4 weeks to go by.

huh??? nevermind.

***

i will write more when i fix things. and hopefully make more sense.

this is a prayer given to me by the Gitanjali of Rabindranath Tagore:

When though commandest me to sing it seems that my heart would break with pride; and I look to thy face, and tears come to my eyes.
All that is harsh and dissonant in my life melts into one sweet harmony---and my adoration spreads wings like a glad bird on its flight across the sea.
I know thou takest pleasure in my singing. I know that only as a singer I come before thy presence.
I touch by the edge of the far-spreading wing of my song thy feet which I could never aspire to reach.
Drunk with the joy of singing I forget myself and call thee fried who art my lord.

I know not how though singest, my master! I ever listen in silent amazement.
The light of thy music illumines the world. The life breath of thy music runs from sky to sky. The holy stream of thy music breaks through all stony obstacles and rushes on.
My heart longs to join in thy song, but vainly struggles for a voice. I would speak, but speech breaks not into song, and I cry out baffled. Ah, though hast made my heart captive in the endless meshes of thy music, my master!

* * *

where is my heath ledger? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

i've miraculously found the means to sneak in some reading in between my academics. i'm quite proud of myself for it. but i think it's contributing the baggage underneath my eyes. i must remember to make up for it during the summer vacation.

hm. it feels strange to be reading all the time again like i used to. it's like i've ridden a bike after years of letting the old thing collect dust in the garage. not that i haven't been reading at all... just not as much as when i had a lot more free time on my hands. i always used to walk around with a book, after all. and no, i don't remember bumping into anything while doing that.

though i don't remember if anything bumped into me...

* * *

"The dear old days when I could fly!"
"Why can't you fly now, mother?"
"Because I am grown up, dearest. When people grow up they forget the way."
"Why do they forget the way?"
"Because they are no longer gay and innocent and heartless. It is only the gay and innocent and heartless who can fly."

---J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan

"...I find a strange pleasure in saying things to him that I know I shall be sorry for having said. As a rule, he is charming to me, and we sit in the studio and talk of a thousand things. Now and then, however, he is horribly thoughless, and seems to take a real delight in giving me pain. Then I feel, Harry, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day."

---Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

i just watched dead man walking on star movies.

death seems to be such a prevalent topic. well, i suppse it always has been but it's been most apparent to me these last couple of days.

just look at my last entry. death by physics. hmhmhm. i'm still alive, surprisingly... after twenty-seven pages of horror.

and now i've just remembered my homework for health. i was supposed to read my grandmother a poem about dying and ask her how she feels about it. i don't know about you but that seems kind of... strange.

i'm not gonna do it, of course since my grandmother's asleep. i don't want to wake her up to discuss such a morbid topic.

but i have talked to her about it before. i think i was around ten. it was afternoon. i always used to hang around my grandparents when i still lived in the other house.

i think i asked her if she was afraid. she just smiled at me and she said she wasn't anymore.

i couldn't understand, of course, and i suppose... until now i still don't. blame youth. i couldn't understand how she could be so calm when she didn't know what was going to happen afterwards.

hmhmhm.

and i also remember i asked her if animals went to heaven too.

she told me they didn't because they didn't have souls.

i asked her how she could know that.

and she laughed at me and told me when she went to heaven she'd come back to give me the answer to my question.

of course, being deathly afraid of ghosts (even if it'd just be my mama's), i told her she shouldn't dare!

*sigh* i miss the old house.

it seems selfish of me but hopefully, when ninong moves into his own house, i'll be able to move back in.

as much as i'm comfortable in this apartment... this isn't my home. for more reasons than you can imagine.

death by physics.

that's what's going to be written in my autopsy if i die tomorrow.

i haven't updated in ages, i know. but it's not because i don't want to, it's because i don't have time to. i've said that a million times but this time it's worse. at this rate, i might not even have time to breathe anymore.

again resulting to death.

lordee. what a happy child am i.

* * *

today, classes got suspended on account of another coup.

considering how times are especially hard in our country nowadays, i guess i could sort of sympathize with the people who felt that they had to take some sort of drastic action. and of course, their target was the government because they always take the blame for all the crap that happens in this country... which is fair and unfair at the same time but i'll get into that in a bit.

i guess, it's sort of like the Gospel wherein God says something like "if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. it is better for you to enter heaven without a hand than enter hell with it."

like when a diabetic gets an infected wound or something, they need to amputate.

and to the opposition, our government is this hand to cut off.

the thing is though, the disease of this country is way, way more serious than diabetes. it's cancer, just like what jose rizal said in "noli me tangere". so here's where the fair and unfair part comes in. even though the government is "sick", in truth, all of society's "sick".

i can't even believe i'm making analogies like this. but then, it is 12:30 in the morning and i've just finished reading about sixty pages worth of physics jargon. so forgive me.

ok where were we?

cancer. sick. right.

so, see, it's going to take a lot more than severing limbs to cure us. we have to start taking our medicine and going to the doctor's regulary. which of course, means that, we have to start the change in ourselves before we think of toppling any governments because really, it'd be useless anyway.

i mean, yeah, you take out this stupid government and put in a new set of people to fill their spots. but if those people are not equipped with firm and true values, morals and convictions, who's to say that they won't end up just as stupid as those last officials? they might even be stupider, God help us.

but i do find it amazing, that even though all this crud's happening in our country, i'd still rather be here than anywhere else.

nothing, just my two cents.

curse that 0.000000000000001%

curse that stupid race.

curse it! curse it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank GOD for double dutch ice cream.

sometimes i wish i had super strength so that when i punch a wall, it'd crack where i hit it.

* * *

the only reason i friendster-stalk is because i think it's pretty cool to gain access even to a little part of a person's life. i don't have to think that the person whose profile i'm perusing is illegally hot or whatever. it's just that sometimes the question of, "i wonder what this person is like" pops into my head.

maybe it brings back the memories of me when i was a little kid, trying to get through my boredom by observing random people and thinking up little stories about them.

it's all very silly.

thank goodness for "view anonymously".

* * *

two down. two to go. then i'll do a mulan and go madly 80's.

scary. but be ready for it.

kablam!

hwatteezdeez??

* * *

i need to think more before i act. or speak. or do anything at all.

i get into way too much trouble.

i just can't explain my train of thought. it's just too freaking weird.

physics is such an alien language to me!! it makes me cry.

as an equivalent of a UT2, we've been tasked to summarize 3 chapters of our physics book in our own words.

easier?

no way. i think i'd rather take a test.

that's because i have to understand what these words mean before i can write anything. and i don't understand anything. i read them but they make absolutely no sense whatsoever. i am so doomed!!

* * *

i hate amphibians.

i think they are the most disgusting things on the face of the earth. they give me goosebumps, make my hair stand on end and give me the urge for bloody murder (or at least high-pitched screaming and panicking).

but i think i hate the cane toad the most. i watched a documentary about them on animal planet just a while ago and goodness they should all die. really. they are endangering the beautiful wildlife of australia. they're like rats. except uglier!

they eat everything! the bees! frogspawn! dog food!

but what makes it worse is almost nothing can eat them because they're poisonous. only like the cray fish, this specific kind of snake and other cane toads (they eat the babies) can eat them---and they don't eat as fast or as much to get rid of them coz they spawn like crazy! ewwwww!!

i don't know why i'm writing about them but i'm just so deeply disturbed by the horridness that there are scores of them and MULTIPLYING!!

remember that part in the plagues on egypt where suddenly there were frogs everywhere?? it's like that. and that part of the moses story always freaked me out, especially when i was a kid.

i hate amphibians so much!!

NARNIA WAS SO AMAZING!!

blows my mind.

i want to marry william moseley. we have the same birthday, you know? except he's a year older. GAHD!!!!!!!!!!!!! he's soooo cute!

ok. sorry. i just had to let that all out.

i shall sleep now.