my apparent growing stupidity is becoming increasingly alarming.

everyday you possess more of me than i feel comfortable with.

i seem to voluntarily surrender myself to those that will quite possibly hurt me the most.

i want to throw myself off a cliff.

the hurt is surfacing at last and i have nothing to ward it away with.

you have all left me.

i am so worried that she's right.

what is so wrong with me that i am perennially invisible to all of you?

but you saw me. what more could i have asked for?

sometimes i think that i went about it all wrong.

maybe i should accept the possibility of a never ending search.

but oh God... want to be found... so badly that i fear my heart may burst.

depression is pulling back into its grasp, enveloping me in all it entails.

my self-esteem has shrunk into an indistinguishable form.

i am nothing. i am not even worth the air i breathe.

and nobody cares.

what am i to anybody?

they will all just carry on, hardly even pausing for a thought.

i shouldn't be here.

did You create me only to show me all that i must live without?

everyday my prayers go unanswered.

maybe i shouldn't be surprised. my devotion leaves something to be desired.

desire. it is my disease.

i wish i didn't care so much.

it's the same words over and over again. i am a broken record.

will you ever be good enough, issa?

or will you leave this world as solitary as you entered it?

fear. i am crumbling, sobbing, reeking of it.

come wash it away.

wash it all away.

it's elementary, my dear.

maybe you've caught on.

it's all my fault.

i've lost my fire.

here we are again, facing the same problems we did last year and the year before that.

if you leave me, then i'll have nothing left to keep me here. don't you know this is all for you?

it's just retarded whenever the ancient race get involved in the mess. i suddenly feel like there's something glaringly wrong with me.

it's just so messed up.

am i such a pathetic human being??

maybe it'll never come. prospects look bleak.

MY GOD please HELP ME!!

there is no point in this.

you are fairytale royalty, meant to live happily ever after in a world that is as elusive to me as the perfection from which it sprung.

i guess i'll just have to make do with the little world i have created in my head.

the beginning of my last year as a teen.

i can hardly believe it. wasn't it only yesterday when i giddily turned 13?

i am not anywhere that i thought i'd be.
i do not have anything i thought i'd have.
i have not experienced anything i thought i'd have.

on one hand, i suppose that's quite sad. maybe i'm a bit of a disappointment to myself.

but then again... it leaves a bit of mystery to things. i still stand here, eyes alight with the hopeful anticipation of youth. numbers cannot take that away. only life can do that. and i have yet to truly live it.

so many questions fill my mind, troubling the furrows of my brow, tickling the corners of my mouth and glazing my eyes over in thought.

questions of desire, destination and sheer dumbness.

perhaps the year shall provide me some answers. i know this year has done that quite well.

you just have to know where to look.

* * *

i'm sorry. i understand you. which makes it harder to deal with for me. i know it's all my fault. i was stupid and selfish. i should have thought of you.

i hope you don't take too long to forgive me.

you know i love you.

* * *

to have that much power over someone is intoxicating.

i've never had that before.

there is an irrepressible curiousity, urging me to find its limits.

i want to understand it, analyze it. find out how i can replicate it. HAHAHAHA!

*geek moment*

* * *

you'll always have a part of me.

after all these years, you still have a hold on me. however light, it's still there. i feel it.

the stars say it could never be. i should listen.

but i guess that's how things go with things like this. there's an air of something unfinished.

maybe because i'm stubborn and my pride is just way too high.
maybe because i genuinely think there could've been... something worthwhile.

i don't know.

oh if only.

* * *

i can't stay mad at you.

angel, why do you spurn me so?

get rid of it.

i do not approve.

see me.
choose me.

make me forget everything else.

please. i beg you.

you are my secret crush.

don't you notice how my eyes always find their way to you?

when you walk into the room
when you smile
when you speak
when you do anything at all...

you are beautiful.

just being around you is enough, though.

how could i have ever elevated you to such a level?

all you are is a pretty face.

where are you now? it's like we were never friends.

thanks for caring.

why did you have to disappear?

i wouldn't have cared so much if you had just stayed here with me.

i know i'm playing games and that it's not right. i know i'm supposed to leave all this alone.

but boredom and its unmentionable friend... well... they DO something to you and you just can't say no.

every time i think i might change my mind about you, you do something to disappoint me.

maybe my standards ARE too high... but so what? i refuse to settle.

and i take it all back.

maybe i do care what they think sometimes. but it wouldn't help you even if i didn't.

i can't believe it'll be my birthday again in less than three days. it's all going by so fast.

i can't believe you're gone. i don't think it's registered properly yet. i feel just like i always do.

when it hits me... it'll be like a storm in the middle of summer.

why did it have to be this way?

i just felt like i needed some sort of change.

cut away something from myself.

make it real.

i don't exactly know what happened. i just don't want to remember it.

you'll hardly miss me.

some friend you were.

you just forgot me.

well, forget you too.

* * *

i didn't care that the world seemed to be pressing in on me on all sides.

to bask in your glory was more than enough.

beacons of light, shining hope onto our unworthy forms.

to finally be that close to such an inspiration in my life was infinitely surreal.

i just wanted a piece of you.

i just wanted something to remember you by.

i really am so stupid. i just knew this would happen. why didn't i just listen to what that little voice in my head was saying all along?

i am such a shmuck.

i was never really that serious though but... it still sucks. where do i get my fixes now? hahahahaha!!

but it was fun overreacting. saved me from boredom.

i am such a drama queen.

* * *

Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti - Christina Aguilera

Ahora que ya mi vida se
encuentra normal, ooh, ooh
Que tengo encasa quien
suena con verme llegar,
ooh, oh
Ahora puedo decir que me
encuentro de pie
Ahora que me va muy bien

Ahora que con el tiempo
logre superar, hmm
Aquel amor que por poco me
llega a matar, no
Ahora ya no hay mas dolor
Ahora el fin vuelvo a ser yo

CHORUS:
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y otra vez pierdo la calma
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y se me desgarra el alma
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y se borra mi sonrisa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y mi mundo se hace trizas

Ooh, oh, hey
Ahora que me futuro
comienza a brillar, hmm-mm
Ahora que me han devuelto la
seguridad, oh, whoa
Ahora ya no hay mas dolor
Ahora al fin vuelvo a ser yo

CHORUS

Oh, oh, whoa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh no, no
Y se me desgarra el almo
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Mi sonrisa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Mi mundo trizas
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Ooh
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh pero me, pero me, pero me, pero me
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh, whoa
Pero me acuerdo de ti...

i hate you multiply. I HATE YOU!!

betrayal. i can smell it in between your 1's and 0's.

but i mustn't assume things. that's where all this trouble comes from.

i had a dream about you last night.

desperation is clawing at me from within.

i feel like throwing up.

i can't believe i was found out.

what am i hanging on to really? just the feeling of butterflies erupting from my stomach?

it's always just that.

it's because they liked you. it's because you look like an angel. it's because you sound like one.

but i'm just one of the rest, waiting in line for a bit of sunshine.

i'd rather not waste my time.

but i can't deny
that when you walk by
i let out a tiny sigh

yeah, sure i was playing around a bit. but that doesn't mean i wasn't trying to find something real.

i didn't find it.

you'll forget about me. laugh when you do remember me. you'll shake your head and wonder why you even cared at all.

and i'll do the same.

i need a new fixation.

this is like word vomit. it reeks.

i shouldn't be doing this.

oh my vanity!

silly little amusement.

i can feel my devil horns shooting up from my head.

we shall see.

strong enough?

what am i talking about?

how far, i wonder.

i am shameless.

i am devious.

i am evil.

i am scheming.

guinea pig.

i really don't understand you.

master of the backhanded compliment.

i will bring you to your knees.

do i regret it now?

i suppose, just a bit.

i miss...

i just do.

it broke away from routine. it made me FEEL SOMETHING.

it's for all the wrong reasons, i know.

so what?

maybe i shouldn't have.

if only i'd have known.

i'm just bored and a myriad of other things besides...

and maybe i just feel guilty.

the sight of them still sends hiccups to my heart.

what if i was just testing the limits?

am i so evil to want to do this all again?

well... let's see.

can you say, 'social experiment'? *maniacal laughter*

maybe all i want is a little bit of FUN.