every little thing simply is a paradox. every little thing simply is.

every little thing...

you do is magic? hahahahahahaha. shoot me now. i miss seeing that constantine maroulis pout every wednesdays and thursdays. woohoo... weirdness.

this is the only place i can escape you.

pain IS beauty. just not the kind you're thinking. and i shall smile smugly at this.

smiles for you. smiles for me. smiles simply because.

it's funny how we seem to be going through essentially the same thing. it's times like these that really tell me that maybe there's something else to it. that there really might be something more. something that we were never meant to understand but we were just supposed to know... to feel... to believe.

what would she say? and why would it matter?

...if only? ew. gross.

don't count your chickens before they've hatched.

how could you just forget?

maybe i really am behind bars.

i'm worried that it has to stop here. this is my last and only shot. it must be good. it MUST. i shall be fabulous.

i really WILL have a happy birthday.

why do you put up with this? why do you care? why can't you care more? why did you have to see?

i want to scream until i can't. i want to scream until i forget. i want to scream until it all goes away. i wish i could scream you and what you know away too.

i don't want to hope that maybe... just maybe there might be some chance that they'll see it too. that maybe they'll want it almost as much as i do. because once i do... it'll disappear.

if you knew... you'd never see me again.

i wish i knew though. because i'm the one who deserves to know. because i'm the only one who feels this way.

so much for three being the magic number.

i must stop this... excess. they can't take it and i can't either.

music... hits:

how stupid could i be?
everything and nothing at the same time
and i saw sparks
sometimes we punish those we need the most.
you will find the answer if you just let it go.
i'll be watching you.
stuck in reverse
i will be there for you, why take the time?
armageddon of the brain
oooh you make my motor run, my motor run.
on and on and on it came.
i'm all shook up.
i just get confused and i come all undone.

and i will never understand how she does it. how she goes from one inane event to the next. for as i sat there in unmoving silence, i truly saw the world around me for what it was. it was whirring with inconsequential mutterings and the force of a depthless beat, blurred in the orange of unreal lights and the cold, silver-studded night, and strong with the scent of mundane intoxication.

and the point was what exactly of all this? none, really. and perhaps there shouldn't be a point and we should all be content with our unraveling. but it just isn't enough anymore. and perhaps it never was.

i remember looking away, to the place i longed to be but would never have the courage to travel toward. i remember wondering what was transpiring there and how that could possibly be different if i were present. i remember picturing how this would all seem to someone outside my little musings. i remember shaking my head, chiding my dreamy stupidity.

a line has been drawn. it is not for me to erase. so i must wait. and perhaps i wait for nothing. but indeed, i must remain wary for the hand that takes mine in the entrapments of my unconscious gaeities might finally sweep it away, that i may finally traverse that land which i only pretend to know.

if someone right now would ask me what kind of superhero i'd be if, by some weird twist of fate, i were contaminated by toxic chemicals, mutated by gamma-radiation or bitten by a radioactive animal...

i'd say i would be puffy-eyed girl with the lame-ass power to sob uncontrollably like a raving madwoman.

if you think that's pathetic, you'd better not keep reading this because it unfortunately gets worse. coz i swear, it's like my new talent or something. i'm so good at it, it's crazy. it's really weird how i couldn't at all last year and this year it's all i ever do.

if i were to die anytime soon, i'd bet you anything it'd probably be because:

• i choked on my own tears
• i cried so much, my body dried up like a shriveled leaf
• i slipped and cracked my skull on a puddle of tears

ew that was so emo.

sometimes it's totally reasonable. but other times, it's like... THE HELL??? WHY AM I CRYING???

i mean, sometimes, i've forgotten why i'm so bummed out already but they just keep coming. and other times, the weirdest things on earth set me off. just THINKING of crying makes me cry now.

it freaks me out. especially since sometimes, like my brother says, i start rocking back and forth chanting to myself like i'm in some sort of b-movie horror flick.

can i barf now? this is all so disgusting i can't even believe it.

hey maybe that can be new talent like lindsay lohan, nicole richie and karen carpenter. i think i'd be dead within twenty-four hours if i turned bulimic.

* * *

CLE BITES MY BOOTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *
Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

this kind of silence drives me off the wall
because this kind of silence means nothing at all

oh sometimes i really can drive myself crazy. or crazier since i think i'm already pretty much whacked. which is probably why i shouldn't be out of supervision. if you leave me by myself long enough, i might start bouncing off the walls.

scientists are saying that dying in your sleep is caused by drastic loss of brain cells. maybe i should start listening to more mozart.

i want to scream. i want to punch something. i want to throw that something across the room.

maybe it should be more than a something. that'd probably feel better.

i knew it. so annoying. so weird. what am i gonna do about this?

ew.

nothing.

wait this one out. it's bound to be just that.

what if i said i knew you were there? what if i asked you why you were hiding? what if i wanted to know why you won't go there?

i'm sleepy as hell and i'm still waiting. goodness how i'm stupid sometimes.

stop being such an idiot. stop being so blind. stop being so apathetic.

maybe if i keep telling myself that, i'll believe it.

signs have been floating around for days. this is so not good.

maybe all i have to do is be patient. or maybe i need to give myself a shot of nitro glycerine. because there's absolutely no way in hell.

you know what it is? it's an oxymoron. emphasis on the moron part.

how the hell am i supposed to survive out there if i can't even do so in here?

WHERE WHERE WHERE???

i need a BREAK!!