i should've saved one for a rainy day.

like clockwork.

don't really have to go through all that trouble.

i think i pretty much get it. like i always do.

it's just hard wrapping my mind around it.

fighting against nature.

keeping me down.

fooling myself.

imagination aside, there's nothing really there.

i should stop forcing it.

but i don't know how else to be.

anything is better than reality.

anything.

this blatant display of cowardice is sickening.

head under water.

SIKE!! mwahahahahahahaha!!

leave it alone, issa----LEAVE IT ALONE.

so stupid. cannot even believe.

it's really simple.

why?

results may not be the same but... i have to move this along somehow.

unreadable.

dangerous.

WHY???

can't fight.
can't do what's right.
can't be honest.
can't see what's best.
can't be there.
can't be here.

be afraid.

no more.

after all that. really now. should've saved me the trouble. wouldn't have lost so much.

cop out.

GAH!

transfer ongoing.

desperate.

idiot.

loser.

this is getting ridiculous.

must be genetic.

wasted too much thought on this.

hassled for no good reason.

enough is enough.

ENOUGH!!

i've done all i can even though i know i didn't do anything wrong. if i did, please, ENLIGHTEN ME. at least then i'll know what the hell is going on around here.

whatever.

next.

CAST MEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!

still a veritable desert.

when i get home, i have a new mission. WAHAHA! look out.

may not be so hopeless after all.

imma bizounce.

coz i'm not that stupid.

and i'm no martyr.

childish.

seriously. come on.

i don't need to remember that.

dreams offer no respite.

trying to understand.

afraid to show myself.

might disappear.

say something anyway.

a surprise.

a welcome diversion.

lost my nerve.

obsessive compulsive freak of nature.

experiment on-going.

all evidence points to...

vomit.

disappointment.

waste.

hate this.

okay. i feel incomparably stupid right now.

maybe this whole isolation in a place halfway across the world from my home is addling my brains.

nehhh.

i was a little above my normal threshold for paranoia even before i left.

THIS is why i can never watch horror flicks.

my imagination is like way too powerful for its own good.

just last night my brother and i watched Perfume: The Story of a Murderer and when i went downstairs for a glass of water, i was totally freaking out inside thinking that there might be some weird, creepy, thin man waiting in the shadows to clonk me on the back of my head, cover me in animal fat and turn me into perfume.

oh yeah.

so i'm sorry for being annoyingly neurotic these past few weeks.

i HAVE been trying to downplay my needy/clingy-ness. but silence and solitude, i find, seem to be very potent catalysts for... insanity.

and i am a terrible pessimist by nature. i tend to believe the worst case scenarios over everything else.

i like to be prepared, what can i say?

ready to run for the hills?

totally understandable.

God this place makes me want to scratch my bloody eyeballs out of their sockets.

but i wish there was more effort.

TALK. TO. ME.

I'M DYING!!!!!!!!!!

"Yes," she said, hugging her knees, "That will be a good place to pretend about. I am a prisoner in the Bastille. I have been here for years and years---and years; and everybody has forgotten about me."

-A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett

* * *

there could be a perfectly good reason behind it.

trying to mimic a voice i've been missing.

is it working?

i don't know.

staying awake looking at the sun peek through the night a little sooner than i'm used to.

praying.

searching.

wracking.

dying.

just one conversation. just one.

BE HONEST!!!!!!! IS THAT SO EFFING HARD??

i can't believe it's not even been a week.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO??

losing my mind.

i take it back. i take it all back.

don't deserve it.

don't deserve this.

fine. be that way.

explain yourself.

can i function here?

can i do this?

oh GOD!!!!!!