it's all just one fixation after the next. when will it all end? my tolerance just keeps getting higher.

i just want my little hole in the ground. my little corner under the table. my little nook in the closet... where it all doesn't matter.

i want something more. i want a reason. i want a muse.

how can i break in?

take my breath away.

* * *

Daphne and Apollo - Nerina Pallot

Venus loved Daphne and so did Apollo
So why can't I make myself like a tree?
Why must I burn daily and nightly
When nobody's running - well not after me.
Must I wait, must I pray.
For something good to come my way?

Oh Daphne was stupid! Oh, how could she do it?
How could she turn a prince from her door?
'Cause if you came calling, boy I'd let you in
But you don't come calling, not anymore.
So I wait, and I grow old
When I'm dead, then you'll know.
Do you know?
You know.

i want to puke out all my internal organs right about now.

how stupid could i get? how could i ever think that things would turn out differently?

but i suppose i'll get over it. now that i think about it, i'm not ready for it anyway. when i think about my priorities... it was all pretty selfish. it just sucks coz now i'll never get the chance to really know how it feels.

i guess in the end i'm just afraid to disappoint my morning people.

i wonder why though. i wish people would just tell me to my face so i can at least have the knowledge to better myself.

no matter how hard i try, i always seem to be misunderstood. i just have to keep proving myself, i guess.

i wonder if they hate me. coz it's hard when you put yourself out there just to know that nobody cares.

maybe i'm over-thinking things. or maybe i'm not. but i think... things will work out. somehow they just have to. i mean, looking back on a lot of things... it always does.

i dunno if there's some divine reason for everything. i could be clinging to that notion just to console myself. but hey, i just have to keep trying with or without them and hopefully it'll pay off.

i really want you. i hope you won't think any less of me when you find out. i hope i'll still get a chance to get close to you. coz that's all i want right now... that's really just all i want.

all the decent guys are either taken or gay. what are the chances that they're BOTH???

i really hope that this smoke doesn't mean a fire.

for the first time ever... i'm kind of excited. i don't know why. maybe it's all his fault but i am geniunely interested.

you are my new mission. watch out. i usually find a way to get what i want.

maybe i was wrong about all this.

i wanna get to know you. talk to me already.

i think... i'm gonna have fun. i'm a bit scared about some things but, overall, it's definitely looking up.

i only hope i have enough time for the things i really love.

i feel like throwing up. first day of school tomorrow.

it didn't quite turn out the way i thought it would a year ago but... well i think i did pretty much the right thing.

we all give in sometimes. we all need to make sacrifices.

i just hope i'm strong enough.

three years will pass soon enough. i mean, i can't even believe i've gone through eighteen already. it's kind of scary.

hopefully before it's all through, i'd've done everything i wanted to.

thank goodness my band's in a happy place right now. the only thing we need is time.

but we'll find a way. i'll find a way. it always works out in the end.

things have turned upside down between us, haven't they?

how am i supposed to talk to you?

what happened? one minute you were there... the next you were gone.

maybe i was wrong about you. maybe it's not so good you've changed. i'm trying to be happy for you because i love you. but you keep pushing us further and further away. why are you doing this? you know how much you mean to us.

all we can do is keep breathing.

how do i reach you?

i feel like i'm about to jump off a cliff. please let something go my way. PLEASE.