you find a lot of weird things when you pack. but the things you actually need are nowhere in sight all of a sudden.

i guess it's sort of like the people you think you can count on. but when right when you need them, it's like they've gone on a vacation from your life.

i am so disappointed. i know i shouldn't be but i am. it sucks when you give so much and then these people find it so convenient to just forget you.

and this is all so shallow but i don't really care right now. my throat hurts like hell and i'll have to wake up at 2:30 in the morning tomorrow.

this is so much worse than PMS.

it's only been two weeks. funny, it feels so much more than that.

my indespensable enemy and unfortunate supporter of my existence already hungers for asylum in detente. but the final governance of will---muddled though it is for the most part because of its youthful ignorance, the fact remains that it is still more reliable---will not let it sink and be carried away by Lethe.

perhaps there is wisdom in this. though perhaps not and i am only hanging on to pride's sweet illusion of vengeance.

but the temperaments it has spun, i should need to keep them with me in scarring reminders that i should not do so again. for it is a child's little folly.

no. i cannot. not in its entirety. it is too much. too much burden for one weighed down so assiduously.

just a piece maybe. the rest i must let fly. for the skies are lonely and those who watch from below are bereft of the beauty in their freedom.

but for now i am unruffled in my obstinancy.

it will be soon.

i watched "supersize me" with my bestfriend last summer.

goodness. last summer. it seems so long ago but really only less than half a year's passed by since it let out.

but i digress.

i'm getting really creeped out about what exactly they put in mcdonald's because, i swear, their food has this weird effect on me.

like while i'm eating, i'm suddenly, inexplicably happy. or at least brain dead. coz i don't think about anything else except eating and, consequently, i feel this shallow kind of bliss. and i don't even order their happy meal.

some of my friends would probably say that mcdonald's is evil and is the brainchild of the devil incarnate... or at least by a total cheapskate.

but i add it to my list of things that make me happy.

i can't ever stay mad. at anyone or anything. i suppose it's just not in my nature.

this is supposed to be a good thing since anger is like... a capital sin right?

but on this occassion i just want to indulge in it. and it frustrates me like hell because i just can't.

the only thing keeping me from fully abandoning all this stupidity is my pride---vast amounts of it. another capital sin right there. i am going to go to hell. gahhh!!

i'm being childish, i know, but I AM A CHILD!! i am still a child and i have the undeniable right to be childish if i so wish it!

*bangs head repeatedly on computer desk*

i'm a drama queen. i make things complicated. it is my gift and curse. WHY? the hell should i know??

*gnashes teeth and rolls eyes like a possessed person*

she was right! it's eating me up! it's eating my brain!! not to mention my stomach... my heart... my eyeballs? whuhuuut? i dunno!

not to worry. coffee fixes all things... right?

and ice cream.
and peter pan.
and shopping.

geezahs am i a mess or what??

will get haircut and braces soon.

i haven't been saying much because i suppose i don't really know how to say them.

and if i do... i don't want to give them the right to be "solidified". i don't know if that will make any sense to any of you but whatever.

yesterday and today i probably did the bravest thing ever.

i mean, i may be a really strong personality but really, i'm afraid of a great many things. and for me to just say to hell with all those inhibitions and really put everything i cling so tightly to on the line... is nothing short of miraculous.

true, had circumstances been different... i wouldn't have gone through with it.

but i'm sort of glad that i did. i just couldn't take it anymore. at least it's over. it would've come out one way or another... might as well with a bang, right?

man. i feel like i've been prioritizing the wrong things all of a sudden. like when i see those people again, it'll feel like my eyes are getting used to the dark or something. there's so much they don't know and so much they can't know. and as much as i want to let them in, i know i can't. they wouldn't understand. no matter how much i explain... they're just not there yet. and maybe they never will. i was always the most different among us.

i really don't know what's going to happen now. i really hope that things work out and that all this will seem like a really bad dream. if they don't... i'll make it. because i don't really want to lose the good part of it. i guess that's how it always is. but i will make an effort to make that happen if that's all that can ever happen.

the weird thing is, i don't feel like bloody suicide. i just feel... normal. seriously. and i don't even spend a lot of thought on it which really freaks me out because i am such an overanalyzer. but i guess this is a good sign. at least i'm not plagued by regret or whatever. at least not yet.

i'm sleepy. goodnight.