Friday, December 31, 2004

i'm still waiting. a lot can happen in a seemingly short span of time. but it never is what you expect. don't expect for fate defies it.

Aa' i'sul nora lanne'lle
Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta
Cormamin lindua ele lle
Elen sila lumenn omentilmo
Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'

it's time to speak up... time to stop sulking.... time to stop trying to get them to see... time again not to care and do what i want to do.

Amin delotha lle
Amin feuya ten' lle
Amin sinta lle?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

none of this will make sense. don't try to string them together. it doesn't work that way. i'm writing as i feel. writing as it comes to me. writing because i want to.

maybe i never did belong there. what difference did i make? what difference could i make?

step back, step back... and you shall see... you shall hear what you could not before.

maybe i have nothing left to say.

maybe it will pass.

maybe it's because it hurts. a lot.

there's something different. i can feel it under my skin and i just want to run... run away. perhaps one day i'll have someone to run to other than the cold recesses of my mind.

i wish you'd shut up about it. i really wish you would. because i remember. because i shrink and doubt. i don't need that. i'm already too small.

why couldn't it have been? WHY???

i'd go back to that moment, you know. because i've lost it... i'd go back... again, and again, and again, and again...

i want to rewrite history. and even though there's nothing there but bitterness... i still want that. for pride and dignity, maybe. whatever it is...

they all keep piling up. they're driving me insane.

to scream. what good would it do?

everything just feels so useless. my pretty little dreams... they will always be just dreams. so what have i to live for? where is the promise of the better day?

growing up is not worth the angst of puberty. i swear. so much excess emotion. it's killing me.

if only i could edit history. so that they wouldn't remember... only i would carry the memory... but it would have lost its power.

bathe me in light.
save this shadow child.

i have to keep up. i can't be left behind... not after i worked so hard...

i can't go back to being unseen. but maybe i never stopped.

maybe that's why i let it happen. to live. to feel the rush flowing through my veins. to remind me what it felt to not just go through life like a mere phantom... floating from one time frame to the next. i was holding on so tight... it was just time to let it all go.

and maybe now i have nothing left to offer the winds and it is time to gather more for the next time.

it's time to go back... it's time to get real.

but it's so hard... dreams are just so much better.

sometimes i wish i could put thoughts into people's heads. because the human mind is so fickle. make them think of a certain someone day in and day out, theyr'e gonna think they're in love with them. my GOD. the stupidity of it all.

everyday people say they're in love. and i just find that so freaking annoying. most of them don't even know what they're talking about. i don't claim to know. i never have.

love isn't something that goes away.

it's so hard to care about anything else but what's going on in your own little sphere.

my back hurts. shoulder stings. i have a bite on my stomach. my eyes are heavy.

between who you are and who you could be
between where you are and where you could be

i've always lived somewhere over the rainbow.

just goes to show how much i can blabber about things that will ultimately mean nothing to any of you. you won't even understand this. and i don't mean you to. it's just way too fun to run you all around in cute little circles.

try to figure me out. i dare you.

when this song plays... i just want to race the winds and jump off a cliff and soar to the heavens, skimming the grey clouds against the inky black sky with my bare fingers. i feel like if i reach for the stars, i can cup them in my hands and keep them forever.

no, nothing else compares
you are home

find me. i tire of looking for you.

i just want to be in a better position to affect change.

i'm always just going to fly away...


Tuesday, December 28, 2004

"A huge collection of absurd utterings... entertaining."
-Daily Telegraph, 19/12/98

"If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!"
-Invitation by Shel Silverstein

"It's not that some people have the willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
-James Gordon, M.D.

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."
-William Dement

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
-Umberto Eco

"We don't read and write poetry because its cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love---these are what we stay alive for."
-Mr. Keating in The Dead Poet's Society

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
-Oscar Wilde

"When true friends meet in adverse hour;
'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower.
A watery way an instant seen,
The darkly closing clouds between."
-Sir Walter Scott

"Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."
-Mark Twain

"The 100 per cent American is 99 per cent an idiot."
-George Bernard Shaw

"Those who are easily shocked, should be shocked more often."
-Mae West

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
-WC Fields

Sunday, December 26, 2004

hmmm... this is a small part of my ongoing project. it started from a really short story sabs squished into the last part of her palanca to me. as in really short. like a small paragraph short. and then while i started thinking how i would expand the plot... i decided to combine it with one of the other storylines that was, as pia would state it, gestating in my imagination. sooo... here goes....

* * *

Late afternoon sunlight was breaking through thin crimson curtains, streaking rose carpeted flooring. The golden rays danced in the bareness of this chamber for there was nothing to disturb their gaiety. Its silence was their own sweet song, its emptiness was their freedom, and they fed on it with lustful vigor. But in truth, this room was not at all that vacant. But perhaps the presence of its occupants was not acknowledged or at least often skirted because one's vision would rather fall on those rebels of the gloom. For the two dark pieces of furniture seemingly shrinking away into the solace of shadow-cloaked corners were not much to look at in the judgment of average eyes. Plain, distant and closed off in their ominous stance. They would surely bear down on all who dared look upon them. The true intricacy of those deceivingly ordinary carvings, the rustic smell of their antiquity and all the secrets they held within... were only for one being---the solitary visitor to this venue.

Possibly its lack of guests could be faulted on its lack of entryways. For there was no door into this scarlet expanse... only the tiny rosewood window facing the east, caressing its gifts. At most, people from the outside would peer in for a few moments, then walk away, muttering curses under their breath for they had wasted their precious time on such bleakness. Or in the cases that this chamber captured their interest, they just did not care enough to explore it. After all, the only things that were visible to them inside were a dresser and a closet.

But the window remained open... just a little shrouded.

Friday, December 24, 2004

once i think about it... there's nothing wrong. i could be content with everything as it is. and i SHOULD be content.

forgive my shallowness but...

*sigh*

i was maybe just hoping for a different ending this year.

maybe i should stop looking so hard. because that's when you find things. ironic but unfortunately true.

* * *

as i flipped through pages of who i used to be... who i would never be again... i wonder who i will be...

* * *

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you... kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

-Liv Tyler as Faye in That Thing You Do

* * *

it was so much easier to be happy about christmas when one is still unblemished by the scalding touch of age.

deep in their tiny little hearts lie the desire---what REALLY mattered to them. so what if it wasn't what SHOULD matter?

forgive the children for their lack of perspective...
forgive them for they are still cloaked in the bliss of ignorance...
under the sweet sky of naivety...

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Monday, December 20, 2004

i look over my shoulder at my brother who is sitting at the edge of the sofa, absorbed in playing with his new video game, his face taut with anxiety, his dark brown eyes seem glazed with a thin film of some sort. there are no thoughts going through his mind except those inane flashes induced by that mechanical box in front of him. and i envy his obvious lack of any kind of brain activity or workload for the christmas holidays. he can sleep and wake whenever it pleases him... doing whatever strikes his thirteen-year-old fancy.

and here i am... burdened to no end. i have no christmas break. there is so much work, and i am lost in the middle of it. i want to escape. yet i know that there is none to be had. i will merely tire of searching for an exit i shall never find, break down and die of exhaustion. yet for the meantime, i am simply contemplating whether or not i should start banging my head on the wall only a few forgiving meters away from me.

i believe i have put on 50 more pounds despite the fact that i had just weighed myself on lorra's weighing scale a few hours ago and it told me i was a skeletal 98 lbs. perhaps there is a cross superglued to my back. and it is threatening to crush me into fine powder lest i neglect it by allowing myself to slouch even for just a few seconds.

it is pure evil, i say, to impose work on children during christmas (yes, i am a child). is it not a time we should spend in the company of family, friends and loved ones, celebrating the birth of our saviour, savoring in the succulent feasts prepared in his honor and opening presents under the christmas tree? how then can we truly feel his goodness when a demon has taken residence within our being? oh and this malignance has a voice! it speaks with such acidity---nagging, chastising, aggravating, shouting, screaming, shrieking!

i seek silence! i crave for peace! i desire happiness! i yearn for bliss!

...yet they come not.

am i destined to forever wait for blessings that will never fall at my feet?

Sunday, December 19, 2004

i went down the stairs, my sandals clunking emptily as they made contact with the wooden steps, slightly embossed in the pale golden light of the late afternoon sun. my brain felt numbed within my skull as it tried somehow, though in vain, to concentrate on the hollow sounds my shoes were making instead of the hollowness pumping forth from my heart.

it weighed heavily on me that day.

i felt wilted. drained. everything about me was as palid as my skin had come to be. my prayers for a messiah had, it seemed, gone unanswered yet again. even tears would not come to my rescue. but then... who was i to implore such a thing?

who was i?

i let the question settle within myself as my feet finally reached the marble landing of the first floor. i traipsed past the sitting room to crouch beneath the round dining room table, like i used to when i was but an innocent toddler.

the dark wood comforted me, the table cloth shrouded me and the carpet cushioned me. i hugged my knees, unsure of what to do next. what would this childish hiding gain me?

i used to believe that with this simple action, i was lost to the world. but with age, i have learned that the world cannot lose you... but you can lose the world.

and had i lost the world? ---did i have a world to lose?

and as much as i wanted to believe... i could not. not anymore.

just then a small, dark form joined me and broke my solitude, her amber eyes piercing into my soul. she knew my pain but could not understand it. and how could she? she had but a simple life.

a simple life: something that i think will forever elude my sad existence.

i caressed my companion and satisfied her craving for attention. and as i stroked her, i realized... she and i were akin.

people had a hard time finding her as well for, like me, she was a silent shadow child. the bell around her neck only served those who seeked her pressence.

but then... she had no competition and she was often looked for. yet she still found it necessity to make her presence felt. was she afraid of being forgotten?

to be forgotten---is there anything more atrabilious than to be forgotten?

i held her close to me. and perhaps it is silly of me to think so... but i would fancy that i let her know that at least i would never forget her.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

i don't know what's worse...

being filled up with something that will ultimately lead to nothing...

or to be filled up with nothing at all.

* * *

maybe i'm even flightier than i thought. because suddenly realize how easily i tire of things and i just want to wipe the slate clean. or at least parts of it.

sometimes i feel like i just want to quit, pack up and never see them again.

but that's not how it works. i mean, i can't just give up. and plus, i WON'T just give up.

but just thinking about it... i just don't want to keep doing it anymore.

* * *

when we're together it's like magic. there's just no other way to describe it. and i don't want to ruin it by trying. because whatever words i spin together... they can never come close to its utter beauty and profundity.

i love how we sound.

i love how we make our music.

i love how we're the same.

i love how we're different.

i love how we compliment each other.

i love how we fit together.

i love how we make sense.

i love how we DON'T make sense.

i love how we're serious.

i love how we're NOT serious.

i love how we think.

i love how we are.

i love ERUEN.

* * *

that wasn't a poem, btw. hahaha. just messed up thoughts.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

i want this whole week to get fastforwarded. i don't want to have to deal with such slow torture. it's grinding my brain into miniscule pieces. the dearth of time has taken full toll.

i fear that my being cannot take any further battering because it is already at the point of anguished surrender.

i am but a shell of myself. languid, drained, hanging by a thread to this thing called existence.

breathe life into me once more...

sleep calls to me from a distance... beckoning me with her hands of moonlit silver... oh but she teases me with but a temporary hiatus... how i wish she'd keep me till all the world has turned to ash... disappearing into the dark skies of oblivion.

in her sweet paradise, i am master of my own fate.

* * *

i remember, that my mom read me this story once... about this boy who felt the much the same way as i do right now. impatient... waiting for life to begin. unwilling to let life and fate drag me along in their agonizing torpor.

he was given this ball, with a golden string sticking out of it. and whenever he'd pull the string, time would---instead of walking in its usual steady pace---rush to meet the future. but of course, such allowance had a price. he could not push the string back into the ball. there was no taking anything back. but of course, he takes no notice of this. so he would pull... and pull...

and suddenly he notices that the string has turned as grey...

as grey as he suddenly was.

had let life pass him by.

i know that this story is telling me to appreciate the bad as well as as the good. to take things in stride and treasure every single moment no matter how insipid, that's what makes life... life.

but man. i am so not the most patient person.

* * *

Waiting For Life - Once On This Island

[TI MOUNE]
A stranger in white
In a car
Going somewhere
Going far...
How it must feel to go racing
Wherever you please
Flying as free as a bird
With his tail in the breeze
Even the fish in the sea
Must be longing to fly
Catching a glimpse of a stranger
In white racing by

Oh, Gods
Oh, Gods
Are you there?
What can I do to get you to look down
And give in?
Oh, Gods
Oh, Gods
Hear my prayer
I'm here in the field
With my feet on the ground
And my fate in the air
Waiting for life to begin

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
Mama's contented and Tonton
Accepts what he gets

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
Happy for tea in their cups
And no holes in their nets

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TIMOUNE]
Happy to have what they have
And to stay where they are

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
They never even look up
At the sound of a car!

A stranger!
Racing down the beach
Racing to places
I was meant to reach
My stranger
One day you'll arrive
The car will stop
And in I'll hop
And off we'll drive...We'll drive!

Oh, gods
Oh, gods
Please, be there
Don't you remember
Your little Ti Moune from the tree
Wake up!
Look down!
Hear my prayer
Don't single me out
And then forget me...

Oh gods, oh gods
Let me fly

[PEASANTS]
Oh oh oh

[TIMOUNE]
Send me to places
No one before me has been

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
You spared my life
Show me why

[PEASANTS]
Oh oh oh

[TI MOUNE]
You get me to rise
Like a fish to the bait
And tell me to wait
Well, I'm waiting...

[PEASANTS]
Waiting

[TI MOUNE]
Waitng for
Life to
Begin!

[MEN]
One small
Girl

[WOMEN]
One small
Girl

[TI MOUNE]
Waiting for
Life to
Begin!

[MEN]
One small
Girl

[WOMEN]
One small
Girl

Sunday, December 12, 2004

we again traveled to sibol to, according to sabs, "watch the auditions". but see... i had a plan! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i told her, you try out for roxane and i try out too---again. it took a lot of time to get her to agree (i even threw in the "it's for your father" tact) but it was so worth it. i struck the same deal with sam monzon who "didn't want to be alone". hahaha. i didn't really care about auditioning again. i mean, it passed the time. i think i would've been bored out of my mind if i hadn't.

my bigger plan is working. and it feels so GOOD. i feel like... i can breathe again. even sabs agrees that... this is something that needs to be done. it's just a relief... relief for a bit of change.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

it scares me to think that something that dragged on for about 4 months... could disappear in a day.

it's like... my God... why didn't i snap out of it earlier? why COULDN'T i snap out of it earlier?

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

an excerpt from Jane Eyre:

Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

hay nako. buhay talaga.

it always comes in full circle. always as perfect as destiny intends it to be. and perfection is beauty... but then again... beauty is in the eye of the beholder. and most often than not, it is bittersweet in its faultlessness.

* * *

classes again. back to reality nakanamputs. but you know what? ...taking into consideration recent events, i'm glad of it. who would have thought i'd need school as an escape? who would have thought i'd be seeking prison to shelter me from the harsh realities of the outside world?

it makes me wonder if anybody is really ready for pure, undiluted freedom.

i need space. too much crap is happening.

* * *

i miss you, mom... more than i thought i did. all i want for christmas... is YOU... to have you back home.

come back home. come back home.

Monday, December 06, 2004

gone already?

i was not even able to grasp it...
i was not even able to embrace it...

* * *

like water in cupped hands. it had not even touched my parched lips before seeping through the gaps and spoiling on the ground beneath my feet.

* * *

"so how does it feel to be harpooned?"

"not so bad, really. it just stings."

Sunday, December 05, 2004

i wish i hadn't asked.

* * *

well, that's it then, isn't it?

as i watched it curdle into ash... i knew.

funny how much things change in a matter of hours. how complicated everything suddenly becomes in a matter of minutes. how different you are in a matter of seconds.

with all my sense, and all my overanalysis... it plagues me why i could not see this.

and maybe it was because i did not want to.

how many times have i said that?

i don't even know anymore.
being a girl is so HARD. mood swings are so annoying.

it's like the smallest little things just knaw at the back of your brain. at first it's tolerable and you can ignore it. but then it keeps knawing there and it just starts CHOMPING and you just want to snap and scream and say exactly what it is you want to say, do exactly what it is you want to do. just to make it stop. just to get it over with.

*sigh*

i don't know where it's going anymore. every which way i turn, all i can see are roadblocks and dead ends. i thought i saw a moonlit path hidden in the thicket... but the grey clouds have hidden it away and i'm just lost. lost and however cliche, however overused... i am alone.

there was nothing there. only delusions that i, stupidly enough, let whisk me away. now that the ride's over, i can see what bliss had dimmed. i can see reason. i can see reality. foes of such a flighty dreamer.

this world... this world seems not to be the place for people like me.

i know where i belong... i belong to slumber... where i have my own kingdom somewhere over the rainbow, encircled in...

but no.

i am cursed and blessed with existense. i must walk this weary path.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

PUTEK KA!

PUTEK KA!!!

just when i thought... abaaaaaaa...

boo.

I dare you to move.

Monday, November 29, 2004

i woke up this morning wondering why. because i had lost it---the sense of it all. and i just felt stupid. just really stupid to have gone along with the obvious casuistry of my bollixed psyche.

sorry i wasn't good enough.

is it finally, finally GONE?

it seems so...

everything seems so much better after a good long sleep.

sleep... lethargic paradise...

so what's next? where am i to move on to? is it finally time?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

taking a lozenge. disgusting. it makes my tongue numb. and while waiting for its sickly medicine-sweet taste to coat my enflamed throat, i muse.

it's senseless once again. hm, but then again... when did it ever make sense? it's fallen out. simple as that. question now: will it be falling back in?

my mind craves a new dose of vigour. my fingers lust after the touch of paper. my idle feet itches to traverse... to lose themselves on new terrain.

they must be satisfied.

i envy those who can turn their brains off because mine does not shut up.

Monday, November 22, 2004

the queens of winter have set to work as the months of cold start enveloping us in their spell.

do not be fooled by those forms of unquestionable beauty. look to their eyes. there you shall see it, glinting like no jewel on this earth could...

beware, beware... there is mischief afoot...

beware, beware... there is evil afoot...

they shall shed their tears of crystal ice

they shall laugh their giggles of chilling snow

they shall spread their solstice and the world shall be their frigid playground...

hail, hail the queens of winter!

Sunday, November 21, 2004

sometimes passion and desire counts for nothing.

sometimes tears just fall and you don't know why.

sometimes people change.

sometimes you just want to get out.

sometimes you just want to throw caution to the winds and just do exactly what it is you want to do.

sometimes you just want everything to go your way.

sometimes you just have the urge to commit suicide.

sometimes you just want to change yourself.

sometimes you wonder why...

why am i not enough?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

anak ng ponkan yung mga auditions na yan!!!!

WALA NA AKONG PAG-ASA!!!!!

i will never ever ever set foot in sibol again!

ok. maybe i will. but not for a very long time. nakakahiya talaga. it was so mediocre... it was so... GAHHHH. i hate it. i hate it. i want to do it again. yet i don't at the same time.

i did good. fine. good. but 'good' is such a general, avarage term. i hate being good. you don't get anywhere being good. i want to be the best. i want to be GREAT.

i will so kill myself.

but no... maybe i'll just endure the slow torture while waiting for the results. that's what mediocre, avarage actresses like me deserve.

my goodness. why did it have to be filipino?! I HATE FILIPINO. i freaking suck at it.

i hate it. i hate myself. i hate this day.
forgive me. you know who you are. i did not will it so.

why do i play games with denial, you ask?

and i answer you: what is there to be gained from admitting it?

* * *
self doubt is the enemy.

it has the uncanny ability to reduce the greatest people on earth into miniscule specks hardly even visible to the naked eye. indeed, there is evil afoot here.

are those who fall victim to this vicious predator weak? nay! nay! ...only human... only mortal... only finite beings that, along with astounding talents, have astounding faults to balance them out.

...and sometimes you have to wonder... will those deficiencies overpower your assets? because these imperfections have the unsightly habit of popping up just when you need to be at your very best.

perhaps you wouldn't really mind if society had more tolerance to error. but, being the hypocrites that we are, of course... one small hitch and we judge a person as a failure. another peg to be taken off the peg board. because we search and expect a level of excellence that no ordinary person can ever reach. such is our nature.

i am not saying it's wrong to strive for perfection. of course not. it is this drive, though unreachable, which makes us the absolute best person we can be despite our shortcomings.

so what am i saying then?

don't worry, i have a point.

anyway... as you can see, there is tramendous pressure laid upon our shoulders. we are required to be forever at excellent form, always on guard, always unruffled. it really is a wonder how we don't all crumble into oblivion under all of it. because we know that just one little show of folly... of weakness... has the unfair but uncontestable power to topple over everything you worked so hard to build.

but we must find fortitude somehow. because if we cannot see our own worth... how can we expect others to do so? despite common assumptions, we always know ourselves best. we know how we are, how we act, how we talk, walk, sit, stand... what we can and cannot do.

all that is left is faith. you do not need the faith of others. just believe and show them what you've got and they will believe in you.

*sigh*

but i am just a lowly, angsty, silly teenage girl with about as much experience to fill an eggcup. i do not know the world and the world does not know me. so i still drown in this saboteur... this thing we call self doubt. sometimes i am fortunate to find a buoy to keep me afloat, a rush of adrenaline, giving me strength that i need to be able to breathe and surface... but sometimes... i am swallowed up and i remain under for so long, sometimes i wonder if i will ever see the sky... if my lungs will be filled with sweet air... if the warm rays of the sun will ever touch my skin... if the cool light of the moon and stars will ever be seen dancing in my eyes again...

save me, save me... i am but a child.

* * *

beloved enigma...

when will you let me go? when will you let me fly?

why bribe me with your touch and sweet words that promise nothing?

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I was talking to Cata while waiting for the Filipino portion of the oratoricals. She suddenly exclaimed out of the blue, "Lapit na tayo mag-fourth year."

I looked at her, knowing she was right. Hating that she was right. "Ayoko pa! Malapit na rin tayo mag-graduate! Ayoko pa mag-college!"

* * *

while we were going home from school, DJ Joey said that it was only 44 days till Christmas.

I didn't realize it was so near. My goodness. The end of another year??? Not yet!

But it will come. So... I've decided to make my wishlist.

  1. A curling iron
  2. a lot of different colored racerbacks
  3. A pair of black combat boots
  4. A lot of those sash belt thingies that i keep forgetting to buy at greenhills
  5. Joss Stone's new CD
  6. Switchfoot's new CD
  7. Sarah Maclachlan's new CD
  8. A CD collection of the best classical music
  9. A CD player
  10. New fishnet gloves
  11. Arm warmers *yung parang sock na sinusuot sa arm pero malamang without the foot part*
  12. A pair of khakis
  13. A pair of red chucks. The high-cut ones.
  14. A pair of black pants
  15. A new pair of blue jeans
  16. A white mini skirt
  17. White sandals
  18. A white tube top
  19. A black tube top
  20. A nice long, girly skirt ala-YRYS style
  21. A nice long, denim skirt like what Britney Spears wore in that Sketcher's Poster
  22. Those hot sneaker-boots *dunno what their called* from People Are People
  23. A pair of those short, denim capris *dunno what their called*
  24. One of those vintage tops with those psychedelic 60's drawings on them
  25. The Chronicles of Narnia
  26. Les Miserables novel
  27. The Peter Pan novel

hahaha a little much? kulang pa nga yan eh. it's just what i want but i probably won't get even half of that coz some of them are super expensive like those boots. i think it's 1.5K. ahahaha! that's why it's called a WISHlist.


Monday, November 08, 2004

annoying!

* * *

thanks to my dearest ate nikita, i finally got the url of that flash film on deviantart titled "SMILE" by maladjust. check it out here (i advise you to read it before proceeding with my entry): http://www.deviantart.com/view/6966135/

when i first saw it, i almost couldn't stomach it. the dark graphic-ness of it sent me reeling. i was speechless when it ended. it took a few minutes for my brain to get up and running again. that's when i was able to grasp the symbolic poignancy of it and the overall irony of this society we live in.

why do they condone such irrefutably inane norms? why are we expected to conform mindlessly to these said norms? why are we chastised and disparaged for simply being who we are?

*given, of course, that the results of being who you are does not go against the fundamental truths of morality and justice.*

hitler for example, convinced is his delirium that the aryans were the superior race almost accomplished genocide in his quest to make everyone blonde and blue eyed (if you forgive the generalization). what was the fault of the hapless jews, i ask? does it constitute so grave and so barbaric a price? i cannot understand, for the life of me, why anybody followed such an overt headcase. he wanted to clone himself for crying out loud! that's how full of himself he was.

it is a grave hemorrhage of humanity, this desperate and ultimately sordid attempt to make every one just... another... clone. and who is the model? i shudder to think about it.

how can we pressume to know what everyone should be like? who are we to be the judge of that? oh, the ego!

in the short that you just watched... did his judges have the right to play God? could they not see their own transgretions? to persecute a person for simply not wanting to smile when they, in their hypocrisy engage in blatant acts of cuckoldry and asinine partying. wouldn't we all want to emmulate that... NOT! doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which is the real crime.

but doesn't difference result to disagreement and thus disunity?

yes, indeed we need unity. but that does not mean we need to sacrifice individuality. we are made what we are to play out different roles in, what i keep saying over and over, this grand game of pretend... this theater piece understatedly called "life". are not the actors in the plays we have in our theaters united in their diversity? don't they compliment one another in their variance?

what, reader, would the show be like if everyone played the exact same role?

i'll tell you: boring.

archaic. insipid. arid. driveling. sopoforic.

there's a free vocabulary lesson.

it is once we accept one another's blessed distinctness can we find ways to harness the gifts planted within each and every one of us and truly rise and be one in our goal to be the best we can possibly be.

non-conformity is not to be gossiped and sniped about. it should not be a reason for exclusion and ostracism. it should be celebrated.

be proud of who you are, what you possess. it is what makes you... special. however cliche that is.

why fit in when you can stand out?

notice not those who condemn you for your self-expresssion. they are simply ignorant. they don't know you. do not follow their suit by letting it get to you.

they may punish you for your defiance but wouldn't it be better to go out free of the shackles that bind you to something you cannot possibly be. go out as an original, staunch and firm in your beliefs!

* * *

...man i should really start taking my own advice.

so what do you think of my essay? ahahahahaha! i was in the zone.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

lies

lies

lies

LIES

that's the only thing i can fault of you, you know? in everything else, i'm ready to take your side. but why do you think it's so necessary to sugarcoat every little thing?

just tell me.

gawd. we're not children anymore!!!

do you think you need to maintain an immaculate image? because let me tell you, it was never immaculate. you think we don't know? you think we're that dense?

please, do not insult my intellect.

it's just that you're transfering all the blame on him and even though this is mostly his fault---you had your own involvement in this.

don't you dare wipe your hands clean.
as of late this certain person has been annoying me.

i don't know why and it's really making me feel guilty because this person has been nothing but nice---the nicest you could possibly get---to me.

maybe it's because i've been spending way too much time with this person?

shoot.

but sometimes it's like when this person speaks... inside, i'm all:

shut up.

shut up!

SHUT UP!!!

but it's not like this person really goes out of their way to annoy me. it just happens. and maybe, you know, it's like those movies where you're stuck on a desert island with just this one person and it's like... you just get sick and tired of them. it's only natural.

i need a break. ahahaha.

i'll get over it.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Shadow - Ashlee Simpson

I was six years old
When my parents went away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn't wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more

And my escape was hiding out and running for the door
Somebody listen please

It used to be so hard being me

CHORUS:

Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next

I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you're listening
There's so much more to me you haven't seen

CHORUS

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Oh, my life is good
I've got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past is in the past

CHORUS

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day

another excerpt from Jane Eyre... this one is from chapter twelve.

I had a theoretical reverence and homage for beauty, elegance, gallantry, fascination; but had I met those qualities incarnate in masculine shape, I should have known instinctively that they neither had nor could have sympathy with anything in me, and should have shunned them as one would fire, lightning, or anything else that is bright but antipathetic.

* * *

it's 1:14 am... i've consumed more than half of my carabao's milk and i can smell the sweet book smell from the novel lying open on my computer table.

and i wonder.

wondering. once you think about it, it's just another funny word. just another group of sounds strung together.

ah, the depth of such simple things.

leave it to mankind to make mountains out of mole hills.

words... words... it's all a play on words.

humor me, will you? indulge me, if you will. speak that which i wish to hear.

pretend, pretend.

everything is merely farse, after all.

oh but would it mean the same thing?

meaning---what is meaning?

a cruel invention of man yet again... to hinder... to hold back... from living? perhaps... perhaps not.

one day... maybe not soon... but one day... you shall see... you shall feel... EVERYTHING.

Monday, November 01, 2004

oh fudgesticks. this is absolutely nauseating. i so don't need to know all this.

LEAVE HER ALONE. we all are. she deserves it after what you did.

you always say that this is the last time. that after this, you won't bother anymore. but there's always, always another letter waiting, isn't there? i hate you. I HATE YOU.

geezahs.

don't you dare move us to farview. if you do, i will never EVER respect you again.

* * *

another "i don't know" added to my list for another day. i cannot help but feel as if i'm getting dumber because of all these things i suddenly do not know the answers to.

i just need... something new...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

an excerpt from Chapter Five of the classic Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

She looks as if she were thinking of something beyond her punishment---beyond her situation: of something not round nor before her. I have heard of day-dreams---is she in a day-dream now? Her eyes are fixed on the floor, but I am sure they do not see it---her sight seems turned in, gone down to her heart: she is looking at what she can remember, I believe; not at what is really present. I wonder what sort of a girl she is---whether good or naughty?

* * *

you say you love me... so tell me... why are you doing this?

you know it's all retribution.

i wish you'd just let her be. i wish you'd just get over it.

it's your fault. it's all your freaking fault---SO DEAL WITH IT.

if you go through with this... you will have stabbed once again, our already wounded relationship.

let's just hope time does heal all wounds.

* * *

thank you, mio. thank you, sabs.

Monday, October 25, 2004

WORDS OF WISDOM FROM MY FATHER

Dad: I don't mind you having a boyfriend as long as I know about it.
Me: But dad, I don't have a boyfriend.

*inwardly wishing otherwise*

Dad: OK, but when you do, I would just like to know about it. I want to know who the guy is, his background and where he lives. So if he does anything he shouldn't do, I can go over there and scare the sh*t out of him.
Me: *laughs uneasily*

*inwardly thinks: gee, dad, i'm really gonna be telling you now, huh?*
MY THOUGHTS ON ASHLEE SIMPSON'S SNL SCANDAL

i thought it was some sort of joke when cai, YM'd me the link to the video clip of that fiasco. i mean, it's saturday night live for crying out loud. but as i watched it and did a google search on it, i knew that there was absolutely no bull involved in it.

check it out yourselves:
http://www.collegehumor.com/news/ashlee_snl.wmv

i personally have nothing against ashlee simpson. i think her voice is actually nice. pieces of me... is catchy. i don't hate it. she dresses really well and she's a pretty girl. she's not the best actress but she's not exactly a poser. she really does like rock and... well... she's not claiming to be anything but a girly pop rocker.

and it is kind of pathetic that so many people, myself included, are wasting their time writing/talking about such inane things like popstars' lip-synching disasters.

but such things cannot be helped so if you don't want to read about it... CLOSE THIS WINDOW NOW COZ NO ONE IS STOPPING YA!

ok? ok.

so... what do i think about all this?

let's start with the sympathetic side, shall we?

ok... in the real world, lots of singers lip-synch. A LOT. britney spears, avril lavigne, hilary duff, christina aguilera... just a lot of them ok? in fact, i bet all singers nowadays have done so at least once in their lives---not including music videos. a lot of them use pre-recorded backups to give their performances "a fuller sound" too. i mean, that doesn't mean they can't sing. and even if everyone knows they do lip-sych... they obviously still have their careers.

wake up, people. not everyone can sound perfect everyday. she could've had a sore throat or something. you can't cancel on SNL on the day itself. that's just so... rude. and so snobby-diva like.

and everyone makes mistakes. you have off days, i have off days---WE ALL FREAKING HAVE OFF DAYS!!! we all have totally embarrassing moments wherein we would just like to curl up, die, and have our corpses disintegrate into oblivion. and the fact that hers happened in front of the whole world practically... makes it even more pity-inducing to those with hearts still firmy placed and beating within their bodies. i mean, hello... these things happen.

now for the not so sympathetic side...

why did she have to say this: "I'm totally against it and offended by it. I'm going out to let my real talent show, not to just stand there and dance around. Personally, I'd never lip-synch. It's just not me."

why does she have to be so HYPOCRITICAL??? i mean, this is just extra beef against her now. she should have just kept her mouth shut and listened to the wisdom of the saying, "NEVER SAY NEVER".

all reason escapes me as to WHY ON EARTH she didn't just sing live when that tape wonked out. i mean, you know, you're a PERFORMER---do SOMETHING. she could've saved her performance. nobody would've noticed if she had tried her best to cover it up. but instead she thinks it's a pretty BRIGHT idea to hop around like an utter moron who thinks she's a monkey,

i mean, seriously... what is WITH those moves??? she made a complete ass of herself and totally made the situation even worse than it already was.

so what if there was something up with her voice? she could've at least TRIED. but no she walks out on her band, doesn't she?

and get this... this is the thing that really did her in: SHE BLAMES HER FRIKKIN BAND FOR THE WHOLE THING! she goes and says they played the wrong song!!! i mean, obviously they were the only one's who followed the age old rule of the stage "THE SHOW MUST GO ON". they freaking tried to save it. and hello... there's an instrument that just happens to sound exactly like her? please, girl. save it. you should've just apologized than tried your luck on the blame game.

so that's it for my opinion. don't like it? don't agree? WRITE YOUR OWN THEN! GO ON! everyone must start becoming more opinionated. ahahahaha!

Friday, October 22, 2004

i've been relatively silent for a while now. even with the katipuneros. i don't know why. i hope my old spasms of depression aren't creeping up on me again.

or maybe my alter ego is just being more active lately.

or maybe i just don't have anything left to say.

tsss. yeah right.

there's something wrong. i just don't know what it is.

so if i start crying for no apparent reason... please don't ask me what's wrong. because i probably won't know the answer.

* * *

hindi naman ako nagagalit sa mga hirit mo eh.

nasasaktan lang minsan.

pero wala naman akong karapatan eh.

what can i do if you think i'm not good enough for you?

di bale. nawawala na.

another chapter of my life is about to close.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

ME: my grandmother was like "my condition for this is that you have adult supervision preferably a mom and a dad. then 4 girls"
FUKNUT: demnet
ME: oh yes
ME: you can say that again
FUKNUT: demnet.

* * *

ME: this is gonna happen
ME: takas till i die 'to
FUKNUT: uy! madadamay rin kami ah!
FUKNUT: does your dad have a shotgun?
FUKNUT: hahaha
ME: no he doesn't actually have a shotgun. but i think he has a handgun. somewhere in his room. but he really doesn't need it. he'll just crush you with his biceps. or fall on you.
FUKNUT: oh yes.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Sunday, October 17, 2004

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

why am i never good enough?

why am i the one they always gloss over?

who do i need to be?

what do i need to change?

* * *
the park had never looked so lovely.

but she could not see it.

the blades of grass touching her bare feet seemed to shrink away from her miserable dispostition. their life seemed to fade away in her presence. the flowers' vibrant colors only hurt her eyes. the breeze was not kind to her. she shivered as she wept.

everything and everyone seemed to pass her by in blurs. they were all so blissfully happy... so in love...

she had no right. she had no right to be one of them. she wasn't good enough, she reminded herself. she had to stay here while the others walked away into ecstasy. it was her fate. it was her destiny.

she gripped her shoulders tighter, wishing for relief from the breeze who only seemed to take out its cruelty on her.
and as she did so, she saw a boy drape his coat on his girl's shoulders. oh what would she give to be that girl?

she began to run. trying to escape... trying to find a place where she did not have to be taunted by that which she could never possess... but the winding paths did not lead to solace... they circled about... and led her right back to where she started:

alone in a crowd.

* * *

Naked -Avril Lavigne

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
This life is like a game sometimes

Then you came around me
The walls just dissapeared
Nothing to surround me
Keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
You've made me trust

{chorus}
I've never felt like this before
I'm naked around you
Does it show
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked around you
And it feels so right

Trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself
And let the covers fall away
Guess I never had someone like you
To help me fit in my skin

{chorus}

I'm naked around you
Does it show
I'm naked around you

I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through baby

Friday, October 15, 2004

SCHOOL IS BAD FOR CHILDREN
by John Holt
Taken from the Saturday Evening Post for February 8, 1969


Almost every child on the first day he sets foot in a school building is smarter, more curious, less afraid of what he doesn't know, better at finding and figuring things out, more confident, resourceful, persistent and independent than he will ever be again in his schooling - or, unless he is very unusual and very lucky, for the rest of his life. Already, by paying close attention to and interacting with the world and people around him, and without any school-type formal instruction, he has done a task far more difficult, complicated and abstract than anything he will be asked to do in school, or than any of his teachers has done for years. He has solved the mystery of language. He has discovered it - babies don't even know that language exists - and he has found out how it works and learned to use it. He has done it by exploring, by experimenting, by developing his own model or the grammar of language, by trying it out and seeing whether it works, by gradually changing it and refining it until it does work. And while he has been doing this, he has been learning other things as well, including many of the "concepts" that the schools think only they can teach him, and many that are more complicated than the ones they do try to teach him.

In he comes, this curious, patient, determined, energetic, skillful learner. we sit him down at a desk, and what do we teach him? Many things. First, that learning is separate from living. "You come to school to learn," we tell him, as if the child hadn't been learning before, as if living were out there and learning were in here, and there were no cormection between the two. Secondly, that he cannot be trusted to learn and is no good at it. Everything we teach about reading, a task far simpler than many that the child has already mastered, says to him, "If we don't make you read, you won't, and if you don't do it exactly the way we tell you, you can't." In short, he comes to feel that learning is a passive process, something that someone else does to you, instead of something you do for yourself.
In a great many other ways he learns that he is worthless, untrustworthy, fit only to take other people's orders, a blank sheet for other people to write on. Oh, we make a lot of nice noises in school about respect for the child and individual differences, and the like. But our acts, as opposed to our talk, say to the child, "Your experience, your concerns, your curiosities, your needs, what you know, what you want, what you wonder about, what you hope for, what you fear, what you like and dislike, what you are good at or not so good at&emdash;all this is of not the slightest importance, it counts for nothing. What counts here, and the only thing that counts, is what we know, what we think is important, what we want you to do, think and be." The child soon learns not to ask questions - the teacher isn't there to satisfy his curiosity. Having learned to hide his curiosity, he later learns to be ashamed of it. Given no chance to find out who he is - and to develop that person, whoever it is&emdash;he soon comes to accept the adults' evaluation of him.

He learns many other things. He learns that to be wrong, uncertain, confused, is a crime. Right Answers are what the school wants, and he learns countless strategies for prying these answers out of the teacher, for conning her into thinking he knows what he doesn't know. He learns to dodge, bluff, fake, cheat. He learns to be lazy. Before he came to school, he would work for hours on end, on his own, with no thought of reward, at the business of making sense of the world and gaining competence in it. In school he learns, like every buck private, how to goldbrick, how not to work when the sergeant isn't looking, how to know when he is looking, how to make hin think you are working even when he is looking. He learns that in real life you don't do anything unless you are bribed, bullied or conned into doing it, that nothing is worth doing for its own sake, or that if it is, you can't do it in school. He learns to be bored, to work with a small part of his mind, to escape from the reality around him into daydreams and fantasies&emdash;but not like the fantasies of his preschool years, in which he played a very active part.

The child comes to school curious about other people, particularly other children, and the school teaches him to be indifferent. The most interesting thing in the classroom - often the only interesting thing in it - is the other children, but he has to act as if these other children, all about hin., only a few feet away, are not really there. He cannot interact with them, taIk with them, smile at them. In many schools he can't talk to other children in the halls between classes; in more than a few, and some of these in stylish suburbs, he can't even taIk to them at lunch. Splendid training for a world in which, when you're not studying the other person to figure out how to do him in, you pay no attention to him.

In fact, he learns how to live without paying attention to anything going on around him. You night say that school is a long lesson in how to turn yourself off, which may be one reason why so many young people, seeking the awareness of the world and responsiveness to it they had when they were little and think they can only find it in drugs. Aside from being boring, the school is almost always ugly, cold, inhuman - even the most stylish, glass-windowed, $20-a square-foot schools.

And so, in this dull and ugly place where nobody ever says anything very truthful, where everbody is playing a kind of role, as in a charade, where the teachers are no more free to respond honestly to the students than the students are free to respond to the teachers or each other, where the air practically vibrates with suspicion and anxiety, the child learns to live in a daze, saving his energies for those small parts of his life that are too trivial for the adults to bother with, and thus remain his. It is a rare child who can come through this schooling with much left of his curiosity, his independence or his sense of his own dignity, competence and worth.

So much for criticism. What do we need to do? Many things. Some are easy&emdash;we can do them right away. Some are hard and may take some time. Take a hard one first. We should abolish compulsory school attendance. At the very least we should modify it perhaps hy giving children every year a large number of authorized absences. Our compulsory school-attendance laws once served a humane and useful purpose. They protected children's right to some schooling, against those adults who would otherwise have denied it to them in order to exploit their labor, in farm, store, mine or factory. Today the laws help nobody, not the schools, not the teachers, not the children. To keep kids in school who would rather not be there costs the schools an enormous amount of time and trouble to say nothing of what it costs to repair the damage that these angry and resentful prisoners do every time they get a chance. Every teacher knows that any kid in class who, for whatever reason, would rather not be there not only doesn't learn anything himself but makes it a great deal tougher for anyone else. As for protecting the children from exploitation, the chief and indeed only exploiters of children these days are the schools. Kids caught in the college rush more often than not work seventy hours or more a week, most of it on paper busy work. For kids who aren't going to college, school is just a useless time-waster, preventing them from earning some money or doing some useful work, or even doing some true learnings.

Objections. "If kids didn't have to go to school, they'd all be out in the streets!" No, they wouldn't. In the first place, even if schools stayed just the way they are, children would spend at least some time there because that's where they'd be likely to find friends; it's a natural meeting place for children. In the second place, schools wouldn't stay the way they are, they'd get better, because we would have to start making them what they ought to be right now - places where children would want to be. In the third place, those children who did not want to go to school could find, particularly if we stirred up our brains and gave them a little help, other things to do - the things many children now do during their summers and holidays.

There's something easier we could do. We need to get kids out of the school buildings, give them a chance to learn about the world at first hand. It is a very recent idea, and a crazy one, that the way to teach our young people about the world they live in is to take them out of it and shut them up in brick boxes. Fortunately, educators are beginning to realize this.
In Philadelphia and Portland, Oregon, to pick only two places I happen to have heard about, plans are being drawn up for public schools that won't have any school buildings at all, that will take the students out into the city and help them to use it and its people as a learning resource. In other words, students, perhaps in groups, perhaps independently, will go to libraries, museums, exhibits, courtrooms, legislatures, radio and TV stations, meetings, businesses and laboratories to learn about their world and society at first hand. A small private school in Washington is already doing this. It makes sense. We need more of it.

As we help children get out into the world, to do their learning there, we can get more of the world into the schools. Aside from their parents, most children never have any close contact with any adults except people whose sole business is children. No wonder they have no idea what adult life or work is like. We need to bring a lot more people who are not full-time teachers into the schools, and into contact with the children. In New York City, under the Teachers and Writers Collaborative, real writers, working writers come into the schools, read their work and talk to the children about the problems of their craft. The children eat it up. In another school I know of a practicing attorney from a nearby city comes in every month or so and talks to several classes about the law. Not the law as it is in books but as he sees it and encounters it in his cases, his problems, his work. And the children love it. It is real, grown-up, true, not Weekly Reader, not "social studies," not lies and baloney.

Something easier yet. Let children work together, help each other, learn from each other and each other's mistakes. We now know, from the experience of many schools both rich-suburban and poor-city, that children are often the best teachers of other children. What is more important, we know that when a fifth-or sixth-grader who has been having trouble with reading starts helping a first grader, his own reading sharply improves. A number of schools are beginning to use what some call Paired Learning. This means that you let children form partnerships with other children, do their work, even including their tests, together, and share whatever marks or results this work gets - just like grownups in the real world. It seems to work.

Let the children learn to judge their own work. A child learning to talk does not learn by being corrected all the time; if corrected too much, he will stop taIking, He compares, a thousand times a day, the difference between language as he uses it and as those around him use it. Bit by bit, he makes the necessary changes to make his language like other people's. In the same way, kids learning to do all the other things they learn without adult teachers - to waIk, run, climb, whistle, ride a bike, skate, play games, jump rope - compare their own performance with what more skilled people do, and slowly make the needed changes.

But in school we never give a child a chance to detect his mistakes, let alone correct them. We do it all for him. We act as if we thought he would never notice a mistake unless it was pointed out to him, or correct it unless he was made to. Soon he becomes dependent on the expert. We should let him do it himself. Let him figure out, with the help of other children if he wants it, what this word says, what is the answer to that problem, whether this is a good way of saying or doing this or that. If right answers are involved, as in some math or science, give him the answer book, let him correct his own papers. Why should we teachers waste time on such donkey work? Our job should be to help the kid when he tells us that he can't find a way to get the right answer. Let's get rid of all this nonsense of grades, exams, marks. We don't know now, and we never will know, how to measure what another person knows or understands. We certainly can't find out by asking him questions. All we find out is what he doesn't know - which is what most tests are for, anyway. Throw it all out, and let the child learn what every educated person must someday learn, how to measure his own understanding, how to know what he knows or does not know.

We could also abolish the fixed, required curriculum. People remember only what is interesting and useful to them, what helps them make sense of the world, or helps them get along in it. All else they quickly forget, if they ever learn it at all. The idea of a "body of knowledge," to be picked up in school and used for the rest of one's life, is nonsense in a world as complicated and rapidly changing as ours. Anyway, the most important questions and problems of our time are not in the curriculum, not even in the hotshot universities, let alone the schools.

Children want, more than they want anything else, and even after years of miseducation, to make sense of the world, themselves, other human beings. Let them get at this job, with our help if they ask for it, in the way that makes most sense to them.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004



as the last few hours of the night trickle into dusk... you lose your mind in the rush of its transition...

* * *

love is a powerful thing.

hm. too bad i don't know what it feels like.

love for God...
love for family...
love for friends...

it's not the same.

it doesn't make you feel things that you never thought you could feel... do things you never thought you'd find the courage to do. and this love... this love completes and compels you to be the better person you were destined to become.

though all of us are searching... very few of us will ever find it.

it is not some silly infatuation which is like a passing storm... turbulent at first then gone by the next morning.

yes it will keep you up late into the night, your head buzzing with questions that will never be answered... dream dreams that will never touch the hard earth of the realm of reality...

but that's the thing.

these flights of fancy are only meant to remain in dreams and reside in memories...

* * *

are those real kisses?

is that real passion?

* * *

these gluey fingers are for you.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

my prayers go with Bea Liwanag tonight...

but you know in a way she's lucky---luckier than most. she died having had thousands of prayers being said for her... others die without anybody knowing they even existed.

i just hope she's in a better place.

even if i don't know her personally. i salute her bravery.

* * *

This is from the e-greeting lorra sent me tonight...

Today I smiled and all at once
Things didn't look so bad.
Today I shared with someone else,
A bit of hope I had.


Today I sang a little song
And felt my heart grow light,
And walked a happy little mile,
With not a cloud in sight.


Today I worked with what I had
And longed for nothing more,
And what had seemed like only weeds,
Were flowers at my door.


Today I loved a little more
And complained a little less,
And in the giving of myself,
I forgot my weariness.

* * *

"is it still there?" he said to me as we hung back and the crowd began to shield us from the sight of the person this seemingly out-of-the-blue question was talking about.

"not so much anymore," i mumbled, quickly cottoning on. i remember thinking how odd it was that i always seemed to know when the discussion would turn to that topic in particular.
i wondered if i had been completely honest. i looked away. did i think i would find my answer if i looked into the distance?

but i think i was being truthful. pretty much.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

some things fade away quicker than you expect them to. it's slipping out of my grasp like water in cupped hands.

i simply wonder.

will those pages remain blank?

i'm lost, spent and jaded.

what an incredible waste of my time.

how many of these pointless little distractions will i have to put up with?

Monday, October 04, 2004

don't you just love my new layout? i do. hahaha. i don't know but there's something about october and the moon for me. and plus i just really love this layout and the bgm is simply perfect for it. everything is so magically whimsical.

Moonshadow- Mandy Moore

One, two, three
Hey, hey, oh

I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin' on a moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands
Lose my plough
Lose my land
Oh if I ever lose my hands
Oh if, I won't have to work no more

And if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
Yes if I ever lose my eyes
Oh if, I won't have to cry no more

I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow

And if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan, and I won't beg
Yes if I ever lose my legs
Oh if, I won't have to walk no more

And if I ever lose my mouth
All my teeth
North and south
Yes if I ever lose my mouth
Oh if, I won't have to talk

Did it take long to find me?
I asked the faithful light
Did it take long to find me?
And are you gonna stay the night?

I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin' on a moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow

Moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow
Moonshadow

* * *

things can't seem to go fast enough. maybe because i partly don't want it to. does that mean i'm still...

but i can't.

i can't anymore.

why, oh why can't you just...

what is it i'm missing? what is it that you found in them that you cannot seem to find in me?

*sigh*

it always ends up this way. and of course, when the storm has passed, i am left to pick up the shattered glass knocked over by the turbulent winds. i must be careful not to cut myself. i don't want to bleed for something as trivial as a fleeting gale.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

so this marks the start of another decline...

to hold on or not to hold on is not really the question anymore. more of... do i want to put myself through a battle i will most surely lose or not?

there is nothing left to grasp.

somehow, i think i've known that from the very start...

Friday, October 01, 2004

Kiss Me -Sixpence None the Richer

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

[Chorus (repeat)]

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home
swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home...


* * *

i just realized it's been such a long time since i properly daydreamed.

hm. i must have wished on about a hundred dandelions. i must've prayed a hundred prayers.

is anything happening?

i suppose god/fate isn't like instant coffee. and i can't really have my way everytime. just like the message in BRUCE ALMIGHTY. where would the challenge be in that?

aw but sometimes you just want to shove all those challenges up hell's butt, don't you?

i know i do.

Monday, September 27, 2004

are you hiding from me?

or am i just paranoid?

maybe things were too good to be true.

i don't know what hurts more... knowing that you might not trust me... or knowing that i don't completely trust YOU.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

an excerpt from shirley jackson's THE LOTTERY. freaky mehn...

"It's Tessie," Mr. Summers said, and his voice was hushed. "Show us her paper. Bill."
Bill Hutchinson went over to his wife and forced the slip of paper out of her hand. It had a black spot on it, the black spot Mr. Summers had made the night before with the heavy pencil in the coal company office. Bill Hutchinson held it up, and there was a stir in the crowd.
"All right, folks." Mr. Summers said. "Let's finish quickly."
Although the villagers had forgotten the ritual and lost the original black box, they still remembered to use stones. The pile of stones the boys had made earlier was ready; there were stones on the ground with the blowing scraps of paper that had come out of the box Delacroix selected a stone so large she had to pick it up with both hands and turned to Mrs. Dunbar. "Come on," she said. "Hurry up."
Mr. Dunbar had small stones in both hands, and she said. gasping for breath. "I can't run at all. You'll have to go ahead and I'll catch up with you."
The children had stones already. And someone gave little Davy Hutchinson few pebbles.
Tessie Hutchinson was in the center of a cleared space by now, and she held her hands out desperately as the villagers moved in on her. "It isn't fair," she said. A stone hit her on the side of the head. Old Man Warner was saying, "Come on, come on, everyone." Steve Adams was in the front of the crowd of villagers, with Mrs. Graves beside him.
"It isn't fair, it isn't right," Mrs. Hutchinson screamed, and then they were upon her.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

We Dance -From Once On This Island

[WOMAN]
Asaka, grow me a garden

[MAN]
Please Agwe, don't flood my garden

[TWO YOUNG WOMEN]
Erzulie, who will my love be?

[ALL]
Papa Ge don't come around me.

[WOMAN (spoken)]
Ah, such powerful, such temperamental gods
rule our island.

[ASAKA]
Asaka, Mother of the Earth.

[AGWE]
Agwe, God of Water.

[ERZULIE]
Erzulie, beautiful Goddess of Love.

[PAPA GE]
And Papa Ge, sly Demon of Death.

[WOMEN]
Asaka, grow me a garden

[MEN]
Please Agwe, don't flood my garden

[WOMEN]
Erzulie, who will my love be?

[ALL]
Papa Ge don't come around me
Please Agwe don't flood my garden
Asaka grow me a garden...

[WOMEN]
We dance
[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
To the music of the gods
The music of the breezes through
The green plaintain
The murmur of the river and
The roar of rain
And if the Gods decide to
Send a hurricane

[WOMEN]
We dance...

[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
To their everchanging moods

[WOMAN (ASAKA)]
We know the gods are happy
When the green things grow

[MAN (AGWE)]
They're angry when the river
Starts to overflow

[ALL]
And since we never know
Which way the winds will blow...

[ALL]
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take no chance
Our hearts hear the song
Our feet move along
And to the music of the Gods
We dance!

[ANDREA (spoken)]
On the other side of the island, safe behind
high walls and iron gates, the grands hommes
dance to a different tune.

[ALL]
La la la la la la la

[DANIEL]
The drink champagne. Entertain tourists at
their fine hotels. And tell their servants,
"Polish up the Mercedes!"

[ALL]
La la la la la la la

[MAN]
Two different worlds
Never meant to meet.

[MAN]
The peasants labor

[WOMAN]
The grands hommes... eat!

[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
How fine
Our clothes are!
[ALL OTHERS]
We dance
[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
How fast
We drive!
[ALL OTHERS]
We dance
[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
We dance at parties...

[ALL]
While we are dancing
Just to stay alive...

[WOMEN]
We dance
[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
What else is there to do?

[MAN]
But plant the seed
And pull the weed
And chop the cane

[TWO WOMEN]
And bear the child
And bear the load
And bear the pain

[THREE WOMEN, TWO MEN]
ANd as the rich go racing
To their own refrain

[ALL]
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take no chance
Our hearts hear the song
Our feet move along
And to the music of the Gods
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take
No chance...

[PAPA GE]
Two different
worlds.
Never meant
to meet.
But if the gods move
our feet...

[ALL]
We dance! We dance! We dance!

[MAN (spoken)]
Once on this island, there was a terrible
storm!

[MAN]
Many huts washed away! Many peasants
drowned by Agwe's angry waters!

[WOMAN]
But one small girl
caught his attention.

[LITTLE TI MOUNE]
Aaaahh!

[MAN (Agwe)]
And she was spared. An orphan, plucked
from the flood by Agwe.

[WOMAN (Asaka)]
Sheltered in a tree by Asaka.

[WOMAN (Erzulie)]
And sent on a journey by the gods. A journey
that would test the strength of love...

[MAN (Papa Ge)]
Against the power of death...

[MAN, WOMAN (Erzulie, Papa Ge)]
On this island of two different worlds!

[ALL]
The story of Ti Moune!
I Wanna Be With You -Mandy Moore

I try but I cant seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face
Your warm gentle kiss I taste the truth
I taste the truth

We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way

I wanna be with you yeah

So I'll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine
To hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch
That I wanted so much to feel before
To feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

Oh baby
I can't fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to
So come on and
Take my hand
Can you make my wish
Baby your command yeah

I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
Oh yeah I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you yeah
I wanna be
I wanna be with you yeah yeah
I wanna be I wanna be baby
I wanna be
I wanna be with you yeah
Wanna be with you
On My Own -Eponine in Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to go no one to turn to,
Did not want your money sir
I came out here coz i was told to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

how do i tell you..?

it's still there
my mind is trapped in time.

my hands shake
lipgloss on my fingertips.

it's just a void
and i am delusional.

* * *

it's gone, it's gone
can't take back what's already done.

it flew away, away
as the darkness waned into the light of day.

and as it disappears from my sight
i do not regret it's flight.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

for all my friends... my loved ones... you are my strength and i will always be here for all of you.

In This Life -Chantal Kreviazuk

Let me show you what I'm made of
Good intentions are not enough
To get me though today and this life.
You're in the basement watching the TV,
I'm on the second floor watching the ceiling.
We sleep underneath the same big sky at night.
I dream the same dream we can fly

You can run from me
You can hide form me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

Let me tell you who you really are
You're my comfort
You're not a superstar
I can reach up and bring you back down to the ground
And give you everything you dream about

You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

I'll give you all the things that I never get
Give you all I have and have no regrets
Take you to the places that I've never been
Forgive you all the things that you cant forget
Take away the pain with my healing hands
Wash away your sins and set your spirit free

You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

Let me show you what I'm made of...

Monday, September 13, 2004

you learn something new everyday.

maybe it's just some latent psychological thing of mine to feel like i'm worth something more... for once. argh. i dunno. i just find it weird. and creepily coincidental.

hm. i think i jinxed it. this is so not a two-week thing.

shet.

*sigh*

* * *

how far?

what then? what would i be? what would i get? what would i leave?

can i even do it?

* * *

i've never been a risk-taker. i've played it safe for mostly all my life. because when you're safe... you're not vulnerable.

i am never saved. i am broken... i am hurt... that's all i take away from risks...

Sunday, September 12, 2004

grabe ka. GRABE KA TALAGA.

hay nako. isa nanamang two-week thing. *sigh* nakakapagod na.

monay monay. sarap sabihin. EHE.

kablaggg!

sakit. i have GOT to snap out of this.

masarap ang pandesal.

katipunan rocks, pare.

NYAHA.

messed up thoughts... going out of my mind... drowning in the rush...

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

i've always been fascinated with the makahiya. the memory is almost a blur. but i remember her voice. and i ran around touching those leaves for who knows how long... i just liked seeing them curl up... and i'd try to make them stay open after that first touch... but they always turned purple and shrank away.

"are they going to stay like that forever?"
"no. but it will take a long time for them to open again."
"how long?"
"maybe tomorrow."

i knew everything and nothing at the same time...

* * *

"sometimes it's also because of the mother. for example the father just wants a simple lifestyle but the mother is ambisyosa. she goes 'why don't we have as many cars as them?', 'why don't we live in a bigger house?', 'why don't we have this and that?'..."

was she really that bad?

tears welled up in my eyes despite my efforts... because... i didn't know anymore...

there was just so much that they kept from me...

* * *

suddenly tipsy words are all forgotten...

you are not perfect. then why do you expect me to be?

i hate you.

* * *

wait i forgot... oh no... no... my mistake... wounds heal but scars never fade...

Sunday, September 05, 2004

i got this from sha's blog. i listened to the song... the beat was... bleurgh... but the lyrics are gold.

Beautiful Things -Andain

Can I change my mind
did I think things through
It was once my life -
it was my life at one time

Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through

It was once my life - it was my life at one time.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

SOUNDCHECK!!!

i finally found a great song for this skin... it's "on fire" by switchfoot from their lovely new album "the beautiful letdown"

enjoy.

On Fire -Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

Thursday, September 02, 2004

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

basic, fair, common question. but i find it one of the hardest things to answer. not because i don't know WHAT to answer... it's that i don't know HOW to answer.

i've learned not to voice it out because it's almost like it loses its reachability when it's put into words. like suddenly... it seems so very far away... so much more impossible.

but in my mind, i can see it clearly... almost as if it's something i'm planning for the next weekend. like it's easy. like these things actually come true.

i never liked settling for mediocrity. i never liked settling for anything less than what i want exactly. but then again, one can't have everything in life.

don't you find it weird how people say, "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" i mean, i think that's just stupid. why buy a cake if you're not gonna eat it? whenever i buy cake (extrememly rare cases because i'm not really a cake person)... I ALWAYS EAT IT! ahahaha! i mean, hello... what else are you gonna do? observe it? that's bull. whoever started that saying is a moron. really.

so that's why when i get asked about my plans for the future... i only have one answer:

"to be successful, peaceful and happy."

vague, yes... but true. wherever fate leads me... i just hope it's worth all those dreams that i've carried with me ever since i can remember.

people say dreams are free. libre managinip. but i think... they're worth more than that. maybe that's why they're so hard to give up... to put away... to lay aside... to throw away...

it's just so hard to picture my life any other way...

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

with the promise of a break once in a while... it's easier to sidle back...

they understand... and that's all i really needed... to really feel that i am not alone in this...

Thursday, August 26, 2004

touch my soul.

we'll play dressup. losing ourselves in bright lights, and pastel colored blurrs.

take me away...

Friday, August 20, 2004

grar. stupid blogger navbars are invading my blogs.

HA! DIEEEEEEE!

i am victorious!

Friday, August 13, 2004

i know i shouldn't be bothered. no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. yeah yeah. it was my fault. it was all my fault. old grudges never die. but i dunno...

it's just rich, isn't it?

i dream sometimes. execute my revenge. and it is sweet. yet... i will never get the chance to. they are just dreams.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

the rain is falling.

but of course it's late. late... late again...

"is there anything you'd like to change about yourself?"

...many, many things...

if he had said yes... would i have gone? would i have given it all up?

i probably would have, were the offer given to me again. i need to find myself. i need to feel alive.

would i be missed? probably not. such is the fate of those such as i. we are the shadow children.

bathe me in light for i would like to shine. i want to be seen. to be forgotten... to be overlooked... it hurts... tears away at my very soul. how i would like to sew the pieces back.

"i feel like i've been shot."

"why?"

...hm. how could you understand?

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

i come in, you know, paranoia ladden and stuff then it just disappears when i talk to them. and i let myself trust.

then i look back on it and wonder why. wonder why and how i could doubt them... why i even doubt them at all.

distance. solitude. loneliness.

maybe those are the only ways to find myself. maybe it is how things are meant to be.

sometimes i want them just to say it. come out and say it. so it'll be over and i don't have to think about it so much. at least then i'd have my answer. even though it hurts.two more years...

two more years...

i'm not meant for it. or maybe i am... i just... don't want to be.

i don't want to be forgotten.

* * *

I Dare You to Move -Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here.

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to moveI dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

"There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself thin...