i'm back.

and feeling better. i guess i just needed to cool over a bit. no pun intended.

so today, i've received more goodies from my mom.

my GOSH we look like we're stocking up for a famine-slash-armageddon with the amount of food she's sent us.

i can only hope our appetites serve us well before they all turn.

* * *

i have strange urges to clean up all of a sudden.

maybe this is why my mother always wanted us to "spring clean".

i mean, i've never been a neat freak. not really. so these OC fits are kinda freaking me out.

i think i'm going to have a garage sale---my closet looks like a war zone.

and open a bank account. whut? hahahaha! i don't know where that came from but whatever.

* * *

molly ringwald IS the 80's.

i love the breakfast club. i love sixteen candles. i love weird science.

john hughes is the MASTER!!

STATUS: in Baguio for the next three days.

oh joy. i think i might just burst with excitement.

i'm going out. oh my God. i think i need to hold on to something.

geez.

later, fools.

i'm off to stuff myself with strawberries.

Finale B - RENT cast

MARK
There is no future
There is no past

ROGER
Thank God this
Moment's no the last

MIMI & ROGER
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret or
Life is yours to miss

ALL
No other road no other way
No day but today

WOMEN
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal

MEN
Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare

WOMEN
Is just to be
Without
You
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Life goes on
But I'm gone

MEN
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way

WOMEN
'Cause I die
Without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you
I die without you

MEN
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

ALL
NO DAY BUT TODAY!!

WARNING: extremely angry-slash-emo-slash-confused entry below

am i being unreasonable?

am i being paranoid?

am i being silly?

am i being stupid?

am i being selfish?

TOTALLY.

however wrong, scattered and off-base my next few thoughts are---i just have to let them out.

i can't help it.

i'm slipping back into my old ways. it was only because of them that i was even remotely close to keeping my head above the water.

i can't help but feel that's all over now. good God, maybe it is.

and i'm so awfully afraid of facing this absolutely horrible thing without any love or anything even resembling familiarity to clutch onto for support.

i'm sorry i don't have the perfect family to count on like all of you seem to. i only have you guys.

so right now i feel like i have nothing again. nothing. and i haven't felt like that in ages. it's like my dark days all over again.

i thought keeping myself busy would help keep these kinds of thoughts away but, if anything, it's made it worse.

i thought they'd try harder seeing as we probably wouldn't have as much time for each other anymore.

man was i ever wrong.

i guess that's why i'm so touchy whenever they flake out on the smallest things. i feel like they'd just as easily flake out on me like that.

it's just so easy to say "i'll be there for you when you need me".

SO WHERE WERE YOU??? HUH??? WHERE WERE YOU, DAMN IT!!!

*sigh*

it's unfair. it's wrong.

i mean, how would they know?

maybe i just expect them to.

GOD WHY AM I DOING THIS???

why do i always have to be the one in need anyway?

i just need to talk to you. i just need to see you. i just need you to take me seriously. FOR ONCE.

man i used to have no problem with that. getting people to take me seriously, i mean.

what happened to me?

what's going to happen to me?

maybe i should just pack up and leave after all. obviously, not a lot of people want me to stick around. it's like i'm investing way too much on people that just don't care as much as i do.

but then. that's not what it's about, is it?

they still matter the most to me. man, i'd take a bagillion bullets for them.

all i want is that they remember i'm still breathing.

goodness. my pronoun use is so inconsistent.

*breathes in and out*

i am so stupid. and pathetic.

AND STUPID.

*bangs head on table repeatedly*

make the voices shut up.

i've been reading Louisa May Alcott's Little Women for the past few days. Here are a few passages I quite liked:

"How silly," said Jo; "let him be a musician, if he wants to, and not plague his life out sending him to college, when he hates to go."

Although the oldest, Jo had the least self-control, and she had hard times trying to curb the fiery spirit which was continually getting her into trouble; her anger never lasted long, and having humbly confessed her fault, she sincerely repented, and tried to do better. Her sisters used to say, that they rather liked to get Jo in a fury, because she was such an angel afterward. Poor Jo tried desperately to be good, but her bosom enemy was always ready to flame up and defeat her; and it took years of patient effort to subdue it.

my sagely younger brother on ace young:

"ace young is evil. he corrupts/hypnotizes the minds of weak minded americans (aka little girls). it's like those records that when you play backwards, there's a satanic message on it."

funniness.

* * *

i'm watching reruns fushigi yuugi on animax. HAHAHAHAHA!! it has to be the cheesiest anime EVER but it brings back good memories.

i used to be addicted to it back in sixth grade.

to be fair, the plot is pretty absorbing. but the dialogue is another story. think of the cheesiest pinoy telenovela but possibly worse.

in any case, it's highly amusing so i'm not really complaining.

i've finally got my haircut! hahahaha! and this time it's not the cheating kind of trim or layering. they took off like seven inches off!

it feels really weird when i run my hands through it now.

but i have to say, there was a conflicted sort of satisfacion as i watched it all get severed. it was like, "FINALLY... !" but at the same time, "oh crap and it was so long too!"

tomorrow, i will have my last tooth extracted before they fit me with braces. i'm pretty excited about that too.

and next month, i'm getting a perm.

seriously.

i'm really loading up on change this summer---in more ways than one, i hope.

i hate my father.

i hate him.

he should just go to hell.

oh wait. he's already on his way there.

what a fool.

college is making my life hell and i haven't even started yet.

on the one hand, we have UP.

on the other hand, we have UST.

a few days ago, the decision would've been as easy as cake. now... well... not so much anymore.

i want to die.

every kind of boredom can be overcome by a good book.

* * *

i can proudly say i exercise now! i'm a gym-goer. whuuut? hahahahaha! i'm such a loser. but whatever. hopefully, in a few months time, i'll be a FIT loser. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

3 down, 1 to go.

* * *

ai vants to kat mai huhr!!

i shall do it soon. friday perhaps.

* * *

i want my benders but i don't want 4 weeks to go by.

huh??? nevermind.

***

i will write more when i fix things. and hopefully make more sense.