i just watched dead man walking on star movies.

death seems to be such a prevalent topic. well, i suppse it always has been but it's been most apparent to me these last couple of days.

just look at my last entry. death by physics. hmhmhm. i'm still alive, surprisingly... after twenty-seven pages of horror.

and now i've just remembered my homework for health. i was supposed to read my grandmother a poem about dying and ask her how she feels about it. i don't know about you but that seems kind of... strange.

i'm not gonna do it, of course since my grandmother's asleep. i don't want to wake her up to discuss such a morbid topic.

but i have talked to her about it before. i think i was around ten. it was afternoon. i always used to hang around my grandparents when i still lived in the other house.

i think i asked her if she was afraid. she just smiled at me and she said she wasn't anymore.

i couldn't understand, of course, and i suppose... until now i still don't. blame youth. i couldn't understand how she could be so calm when she didn't know what was going to happen afterwards.

hmhmhm.

and i also remember i asked her if animals went to heaven too.

she told me they didn't because they didn't have souls.

i asked her how she could know that.

and she laughed at me and told me when she went to heaven she'd come back to give me the answer to my question.

of course, being deathly afraid of ghosts (even if it'd just be my mama's), i told her she shouldn't dare!

*sigh* i miss the old house.

it seems selfish of me but hopefully, when ninong moves into his own house, i'll be able to move back in.

as much as i'm comfortable in this apartment... this isn't my home. for more reasons than you can imagine.

death by physics.

that's what's going to be written in my autopsy if i die tomorrow.

i haven't updated in ages, i know. but it's not because i don't want to, it's because i don't have time to. i've said that a million times but this time it's worse. at this rate, i might not even have time to breathe anymore.

again resulting to death.

lordee. what a happy child am i.

* * *

today, classes got suspended on account of another coup.

considering how times are especially hard in our country nowadays, i guess i could sort of sympathize with the people who felt that they had to take some sort of drastic action. and of course, their target was the government because they always take the blame for all the crap that happens in this country... which is fair and unfair at the same time but i'll get into that in a bit.

i guess, it's sort of like the Gospel wherein God says something like "if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. it is better for you to enter heaven without a hand than enter hell with it."

like when a diabetic gets an infected wound or something, they need to amputate.

and to the opposition, our government is this hand to cut off.

the thing is though, the disease of this country is way, way more serious than diabetes. it's cancer, just like what jose rizal said in "noli me tangere". so here's where the fair and unfair part comes in. even though the government is "sick", in truth, all of society's "sick".

i can't even believe i'm making analogies like this. but then, it is 12:30 in the morning and i've just finished reading about sixty pages worth of physics jargon. so forgive me.

ok where were we?

cancer. sick. right.

so, see, it's going to take a lot more than severing limbs to cure us. we have to start taking our medicine and going to the doctor's regulary. which of course, means that, we have to start the change in ourselves before we think of toppling any governments because really, it'd be useless anyway.

i mean, yeah, you take out this stupid government and put in a new set of people to fill their spots. but if those people are not equipped with firm and true values, morals and convictions, who's to say that they won't end up just as stupid as those last officials? they might even be stupider, God help us.

but i do find it amazing, that even though all this crud's happening in our country, i'd still rather be here than anywhere else.

nothing, just my two cents.