it all seems a bit silly now.

sometimes... the truth... well, you just don't wanna know.

is this what i wanted to be part of?

i felt like shrinking. like everyone was hoping i'd just get the hell out of there. it's not supposed to be that way.

intruder.

that's how you end up with things you're not supposed to.

i wanted to shoot myself. throw myself in front of a bus. or something.

so inadequate.

i'm never going to find it, am i?

of all the stupid things to do.

SERIOUSLY.

i just want them to see what i can be. i want to show off a little.

but it's a whole lot of hassle for a whole lot of nothing.

i should just send a picture and be done with it.

oh nevermind.

it's times like this that i most acutely feel what i have given up.

i look around and see... just exactly what i'm missing.

suddenly all that i have, all that i say i'm content with... isn't enough anymore. and i realize it never will be.

i open up my hands and it all flutters away. and all i can do is watch.

when had i become so opposed to this?

is it because i never truly believed? even then?

maybe i am more logical than i give myself credit for.

because i don't remember ever being sucked into the whole fantasy. oh sure, outwardly i played along. because i thought they'd find it cute. but deep down inside, i knew the real deal. i knew how things really worked.

i remember wishing i did believe though. there was magic there that i could never seem to touch.

to one such as i, it's all selfishness wrapped up in a rainbow-colored box.

the songs i sing are devoid of meaning.

i lie here... wanting, lacking... continuously losing and regaining my sanity.

still so obsessed.

should i be embarrassed?

this is, after all, "so highschool".

but then... two years into this hell hole, i don't think i ever left that effing mountain.

i wish i could be swallowed up into a book or a movie where happiness is only a page away.

a girl can dream, right?

it's really immature, what you're doing.

i can't believe you've resorted to this AGAIN!

when will you STOP? when you realize enough is ENOUGH and that it's time to do more than just settle?

and we were doing so well.

fine. if you want it to be that way... fine.

why did you have to go back?

i was going to show you the world.

"I like to have somebody in mind when i sing."
-Mandy Moore

another year draws to a close.
another prophesy proven false.

so much for that.

it's all about you, isn't it?

i don't know why i even put up with this when i constantly have to battle the urge to smash your face in anyway.

* * *

maybe because there's no one else.

how sad is that?

* * *

i miss how things were.

can't we just get back to that?

when Everything and Anything were the topics of the day.

when we understood each other best and song was just another extension of speech.

* * *

i am not going to apologize for what i said. i won't take anything back unless it's not honest. but it's true so i guess you're out of luck.

i do apologize for the way you received it though. i thought you knew me better than that. and really, you should take it up with me straight if you have a problem with me. that way, you can hear explanations like a rational person.

this is so sophomoric, i want to puke.

In Secret

In the in-betweens,
when all is covered in the fog
I raise my head,
tilt it slightly---
ever so slightly---
and commit the perfect crime.

The victim fair,
oblivious of the time
I've stolen away
with just one glance
sent out into the fray.

I peer into the spoils---
a smile of triumph spreads
across my greedy countenance.

Now I possess the world.

For one word
is a thousand pages
written just for me.

For one look
is a thousand memories
in night-borne haze.

For one touch
is a million days locked
within chains of sweetest entrapment.

What shall I do
with such fine-woven air?
What shall I do?

I smack my lips,
savoring the bitter aftertaste of victory,
wondering sadly
if thoughts from the abandoned
shall give chase to me.

And as I prepare to stow
these betrayals of reason
these guilty pleasures
these secret treasures
into the depths of forever...

I blink.

The bag is shut.
It's all gone.

Dissolved in a whirlpool of color,
frozen and shattered,
reduced by fire to ash,
blown away in a second.

And so I turn away.
I sigh and I say,
'That's just another life
I've spent today.'

Wakened one night by a curious dream
and a voice that seemed to be speaking to me
like a far-off subterranean stream,
I rose and asked: What do you want of me?
---Arnulf Overland

it's times like these that remind me how much i'm getting left behind.

i can't hold on to me
wonder what's is WRONG with me

this is not how i pictured it to be. but then... who does?

when i looked into its tiny eyes... i had to wonder. was i destined for this someday?

i'm worried.

infetisimal. negligible. useless.

should've shot me right there.

maybe i should accept it too.

will no one come?

seriously.

Newton's First Law of Motion:
A moving object will continue moving in a straight line at a constant speed, and a stationary object will remain at rest, unless acted on by an unbalanced force.

stop me.

i want to DIE LIVE.

but how?

am i boxing myself up too?

unfair.

there is so much... so much just waiting for that perfect chance to be set loose.

i'm dying. seriously.

if one day you found out you could make anything do whatever you wanted... would you?

i have to work fast. there's already queue from here all the way to pluto.

as if.

i just want a chance.

the hardest thing is waking up.

twilight obsession.

you still don't get it, do you?

do they think we're energizer bunnies? SERIOUSLY!

it's like they think we have nothing better to do than to slave into the wee hours of the morning. it's not that we don't TRY to do things in advance. it's just that there's so much work, there's absolutely no chance of doing ANYTHING in advance.

evil.

everything is everything.

thank GOD for starbucks.

a story waiting to be told.

it's just not coming out the way i want it to.

i want it to be unpretentious. i want it to MEAN something.

sweet poison, that's what you are.

i can't go without...

:)

"To live is the rarest thing of all. Most people exist, that is all."
-Oscar Wilde

Everyday I search for passion---the same passion that permeates the books I read, the music I listen to, the movies and the TV shows I watch, and the gossip I hear about.

And everyday... all I return with are questions unanswered.

Maybe I've deluded myself into thinking that this is all okay.

What have I done?

Can I imagine it another way?

But then, I never even tried.

But how could I?

I was afraid. Still so afraid.

Will that exist for me?

The number of times it pops up doubles by the day. It's driving me INSANE!

Screaming out loud, tugging at my hair, scarlet with frustration.

I don't want to do this anymore.

i knew it. my spider sense was tingling.

it's not really your fault. i should've made sure. but it's so much easier to blame you.

i miss it. i miss the escape.

why do i still waste my time thinking about this?

it's all so tempting.

i'm so bitter... even when i have no right nor reason to be.

sleepy.

i hate you---immensely.

possible whiplash.

i want to jump off into oblivion.

maybe i should let up.

and she peered out into the abyss and wondered. she knew what lay before her; a land of never-ending night where hearts were shattered and black as granite.

a smile
and a breath gets caught in my throat.

whisper of a thrill.

enough for forever.

you always want what you don't have---what you can't have.

how could i have been so careless?

something's missing now.

i haven't been this absorbed for a long time. it was refreshing. i thought i had forgotten what it felt like. i thought i would never feel it again.

it's a paradise on a whole other level entirely. everything else falls away.

and i lose myself.
and i forget.
and i take what isn't mine.
and i pretend.

and it is beautiful.

if only it were real.

if i could live this tale out...
who really cares about the past?

if i could disappear into its pages...
who really cares about the present?

if i could possess such perfection...
who really cares about the future?

i hunger for it.

will i find it?

perhaps nothing will measure up.

it all seems so impossible.

my ideals, thrown up into the sky.
come down as stardust.
bless me with what i've been praying for.

i feel like i've lost a life.

i can't believe i have to wait a year.

i don't want to do this anymore.

does this mean i have nothing left to stay here for?

i have to find you.

at least i can say i tried.

it will all turn into bedtime stories.

i don't want to go back. i just want to stay here, shut up with the smell of it pressing into my nostrils.

it can't hurt me there.

i hate it. it's a lot of unneeded stress. but i'm going to have to do it anyway. that's just the way things go.

it's so slow now. gah. annoying.

such a procrastinator.

i knew it!! I JUST KNEW IT! i am so good at these things. i surprise even myself.

i am so not believing it!

just goes to show that sometimes patience IS a virtue. maybe there's hope after all!

snaps for you!

i know you hate me but whatever.

i feel you.

ore wa baka ja nai.

right?

they take my mind away. they make me forget. and then i don't feel so bad. because the grass is truly greener on the other side.

i don't want to go back.

can't get enough!!

i'm cheating and i know it but i didn't ask for this. i don't want to do it. I DON'T!!

so i'm guilty. and maybe i'm risking my "points" but... i don't CARE. maybe it was a mistake to get mixed up in this world. it's way too much hassle.

so did i finally lose out to her?

sometimes i wonder if you still spare thoughts of me.

i find solace in your leaves.

sweet, sweet escape.

my freedom is running out. i have already begun to mourn.

i'm getting tired of it again. my initial enthusiasm is disappearing. i'm losing patience.

stop waiting.

where are you?

forever can't be that bad... if the right provisions are met. oh how gothically romantic.

what is this? i hope it's not something i should be worried about.

i should write a booklist. i'm so excited!!

there probably won't be enough time for a little something-something. crap. might've done me some good too.

DUMBLEDORE IS GAY!! @_@ so weird! i never even saw that coming!!

i love you. heeheehee!

you've finally come to your senses.

i welcome you home.

wipe that smile off your face.

it's not supposed to be this way. it's selfish and underhanded but it's just not fair.

"my heart burns for you!"

addicted. can't get enough.

stalker. i will hunt you down.

guilty pleasures. i can't believe it.

i hope our day in the sun isn't as impossible as i think.

you fill me with light and all i can think of is you. you are perhaps the most beautiful creature i have laid eyes on. at least for the time being.

i love you and all that you represent. i have found what i'm looking for all and i anxiously await the time when it is all made real.

old haunts call me back. why is fate standing in the way?

i miss it. songs in my heart, grace on my toes, emotions flowing through me like the blood in my veins.

give me strength.

passable is enough.

what have i gotten myself into?

Welcome to the fallout: where the truth and the shadows have become blurred. This is the incompletion... and we are holding our breath. But look! The winds of redemption have come to within the confines of our frozen fists. "Behold, I make all things new." And in this newness there is hope for the hopeless, where the eternal lines of the heavens collide with our own humanity. In the divine comedy where up is down and down is up we lose ourselves to find ourselves. Love is the movement. This is the revolution.
---Switchfoot (Learning to Breathe, 2000)

There's just something about late afternoon sunlight passing through the gaps of the blinds while Jon Foreman serenades you in the background.

I finally had time to do all the things I've been meaning to do.

Stay up till the early morning.
Sleep in until the afternoon.
Fix my room.
Wrap my books.
Read said books.
Arrange my notes.
Watch my shows.
Explore new music.

As Mandy Moore so emotionally breathes in her awe-inspiring song, "Gardenia"; It's been good getting to know me more.

I can finally hear myself above the noise.

Everyone talks to themselves.

I visited the lives I once led.

I've finally come home.

I'm slowly losing the bonds that are keeping me here.

Everyday I fade a little more in your eyes. Tell me what I should feel about that. Tell me what you feel about that.

So many secrets will die on these lips.

I wish I could've felt differently. Then it would all be obvious. Then it would all be oh so simple.

I wish it were me.

If only you didn't live in land of clouds and light.

My dreams scream out your name.

Find me. I tire of waiting.

God is awesome. seriously.

this was nothing short of an intervention.

this sucks is a good thing.

get ready for massive boredom---for a veritable desert.

i could just see temptation disintegrating before my very eyes.

the fumes are making me hurl.

solar plexus.

i'm not even gonna ask.

it's not fair.

you're just mad because your superpowers don't work anymore and you can no longer pretend.

so everything is back to how it was. like nothing ever happened.

except for a few casualties.

lovely.

i really thought it was over. i thought this chapter was closed.

and yet...

what is this?

i was fighting urges too.

there are so many reasons against this.

nobody likes you.

i'm just not sure.

i don't want to be this person but i just can't decide.

either way it's complicated.

why did you have to leave me now?

this can't be happening to me.

i miss you.

you can't go yet.

in a lot of ways, i think i still belong to you.

i hate you.

why can't you see it?

it's not fair.

where are my prospects?

paranoid.

i don't want to be alone.

now that i look back on it... my god... how did i ever let it happen like that? what was i thinking?

what i did was despicable. i wouldn't speak to me too if it were me.

i let it all get to me.

i got excited and selfish.

things like this don't happen to me.

i wanted to feel... well, wanted.

and i thought, i don't know... that things would be ok. that you guys would laugh your problems off and throw the towel in.

because that's what i'd do.

i can never stay mad at anyone. but that's just me.

i wish i could take it back. because it really wasn't worth it.

i miss you too much.

i need you.

* * *

should i feel worse about this?

i feel guilty that i don't.

i just keep thinking, well, this is a hassle.

i keep thinking about how this will make things harder for ME.

why is it that i seem to have lost my love for you?

but do get better. i don't think you're quite ready to leave just yet.

i still need you.

* * *

i just wanted to see you for a bit and remember what it was like when i thought you and i...

well, when i thought of nicer things.

because stagnance revives old demons.

i simply need to.

i feel like i'm about to regurgitate my intestines.

i'm slipping further and further down the ladder.

Oh my GOD, what am i DOING? i NEED to get it together!! i want to die. shoot me. i am so incredibly pathetic that i deserve nothing less.

i'm pretty much depressed about everything in my life right now. it's really quite surprising i haven't slit my wrists yet.

i'm depressed about my love life---or complete lack thereof.
i'm depressed about my grades which don't resemble ANYTHING i promised myself they'd be.
i'm depressed about my music... which is struggling for breath.
i'm depressed about how i've lost (however temporarily) two of my best friends in the span of about a week.

and that's not even half of it.

emo. i hate myself.

it's like some positive feedback mechanism like shock. the problem just gets bigger and bigger.

i can't concentrate properly. i keep seeking escape.

into buttercups and sophies.
into cassandras and claires.
into betties and houses.

while i'm watching, reading, listening to words and voices that are not mine... i can lose and delude myself.

their life becomes mine. and in this pretend, there is happiness.

there is happily ever after.

god i can smell you from here.

why is everyone's life way more exciting than mine?

it's not fair.

i'm losing my smiles.

i don't want to do this anymore.

i want to sleep forever and fly into the freedom that dreaming permits.

it may not be real but WHAT IS REAL, ANYWAY?

as long as i'm happy
as long as things go MY WAY for ONCE...

what does it really matter?

my apparent growing stupidity is becoming increasingly alarming.

everyday you possess more of me than i feel comfortable with.

i seem to voluntarily surrender myself to those that will quite possibly hurt me the most.

i want to throw myself off a cliff.

the hurt is surfacing at last and i have nothing to ward it away with.

you have all left me.

i am so worried that she's right.

what is so wrong with me that i am perennially invisible to all of you?

but you saw me. what more could i have asked for?

sometimes i think that i went about it all wrong.

maybe i should accept the possibility of a never ending search.

but oh God... want to be found... so badly that i fear my heart may burst.

depression is pulling back into its grasp, enveloping me in all it entails.

my self-esteem has shrunk into an indistinguishable form.

i am nothing. i am not even worth the air i breathe.

and nobody cares.

what am i to anybody?

they will all just carry on, hardly even pausing for a thought.

i shouldn't be here.

did You create me only to show me all that i must live without?

everyday my prayers go unanswered.

maybe i shouldn't be surprised. my devotion leaves something to be desired.

desire. it is my disease.

i wish i didn't care so much.

it's the same words over and over again. i am a broken record.

will you ever be good enough, issa?

or will you leave this world as solitary as you entered it?

fear. i am crumbling, sobbing, reeking of it.

come wash it away.

wash it all away.

it's elementary, my dear.

maybe you've caught on.

it's all my fault.

i've lost my fire.

here we are again, facing the same problems we did last year and the year before that.

if you leave me, then i'll have nothing left to keep me here. don't you know this is all for you?

it's just retarded whenever the ancient race get involved in the mess. i suddenly feel like there's something glaringly wrong with me.

it's just so messed up.

am i such a pathetic human being??

maybe it'll never come. prospects look bleak.

MY GOD please HELP ME!!

there is no point in this.

you are fairytale royalty, meant to live happily ever after in a world that is as elusive to me as the perfection from which it sprung.

i guess i'll just have to make do with the little world i have created in my head.

the beginning of my last year as a teen.

i can hardly believe it. wasn't it only yesterday when i giddily turned 13?

i am not anywhere that i thought i'd be.
i do not have anything i thought i'd have.
i have not experienced anything i thought i'd have.

on one hand, i suppose that's quite sad. maybe i'm a bit of a disappointment to myself.

but then again... it leaves a bit of mystery to things. i still stand here, eyes alight with the hopeful anticipation of youth. numbers cannot take that away. only life can do that. and i have yet to truly live it.

so many questions fill my mind, troubling the furrows of my brow, tickling the corners of my mouth and glazing my eyes over in thought.

questions of desire, destination and sheer dumbness.

perhaps the year shall provide me some answers. i know this year has done that quite well.

you just have to know where to look.

* * *

i'm sorry. i understand you. which makes it harder to deal with for me. i know it's all my fault. i was stupid and selfish. i should have thought of you.

i hope you don't take too long to forgive me.

you know i love you.

* * *

to have that much power over someone is intoxicating.

i've never had that before.

there is an irrepressible curiousity, urging me to find its limits.

i want to understand it, analyze it. find out how i can replicate it. HAHAHAHA!

*geek moment*

* * *

you'll always have a part of me.

after all these years, you still have a hold on me. however light, it's still there. i feel it.

the stars say it could never be. i should listen.

but i guess that's how things go with things like this. there's an air of something unfinished.

maybe because i'm stubborn and my pride is just way too high.
maybe because i genuinely think there could've been... something worthwhile.

i don't know.

oh if only.

* * *

i can't stay mad at you.

angel, why do you spurn me so?

get rid of it.

i do not approve.

see me.
choose me.

make me forget everything else.

please. i beg you.

you are my secret crush.

don't you notice how my eyes always find their way to you?

when you walk into the room
when you smile
when you speak
when you do anything at all...

you are beautiful.

just being around you is enough, though.

how could i have ever elevated you to such a level?

all you are is a pretty face.

where are you now? it's like we were never friends.

thanks for caring.

why did you have to disappear?

i wouldn't have cared so much if you had just stayed here with me.

i know i'm playing games and that it's not right. i know i'm supposed to leave all this alone.

but boredom and its unmentionable friend... well... they DO something to you and you just can't say no.

every time i think i might change my mind about you, you do something to disappoint me.

maybe my standards ARE too high... but so what? i refuse to settle.

and i take it all back.

maybe i do care what they think sometimes. but it wouldn't help you even if i didn't.

i can't believe it'll be my birthday again in less than three days. it's all going by so fast.

i can't believe you're gone. i don't think it's registered properly yet. i feel just like i always do.

when it hits me... it'll be like a storm in the middle of summer.

why did it have to be this way?

i just felt like i needed some sort of change.

cut away something from myself.

make it real.

i don't exactly know what happened. i just don't want to remember it.

you'll hardly miss me.

some friend you were.

you just forgot me.

well, forget you too.

* * *

i didn't care that the world seemed to be pressing in on me on all sides.

to bask in your glory was more than enough.

beacons of light, shining hope onto our unworthy forms.

to finally be that close to such an inspiration in my life was infinitely surreal.

i just wanted a piece of you.

i just wanted something to remember you by.

i really am so stupid. i just knew this would happen. why didn't i just listen to what that little voice in my head was saying all along?

i am such a shmuck.

i was never really that serious though but... it still sucks. where do i get my fixes now? hahahahaha!!

but it was fun overreacting. saved me from boredom.

i am such a drama queen.

* * *

Pero Me Acuerdo De Ti - Christina Aguilera

Ahora que ya mi vida se
encuentra normal, ooh, ooh
Que tengo encasa quien
suena con verme llegar,
ooh, oh
Ahora puedo decir que me
encuentro de pie
Ahora que me va muy bien

Ahora que con el tiempo
logre superar, hmm
Aquel amor que por poco me
llega a matar, no
Ahora ya no hay mas dolor
Ahora el fin vuelvo a ser yo

CHORUS:
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y otra vez pierdo la calma
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y se me desgarra el alma
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y se borra mi sonrisa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Y mi mundo se hace trizas

Ooh, oh, hey
Ahora que me futuro
comienza a brillar, hmm-mm
Ahora que me han devuelto la
seguridad, oh, whoa
Ahora ya no hay mas dolor
Ahora al fin vuelvo a ser yo

CHORUS

Oh, oh, whoa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh no, no
Y se me desgarra el almo
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Mi sonrisa
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Mi mundo trizas
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Ooh
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh pero me, pero me, pero me, pero me
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Pero me acuerdo de ti
Oh, whoa
Pero me acuerdo de ti...

i hate you multiply. I HATE YOU!!

betrayal. i can smell it in between your 1's and 0's.

but i mustn't assume things. that's where all this trouble comes from.

i had a dream about you last night.

desperation is clawing at me from within.

i feel like throwing up.

i can't believe i was found out.

what am i hanging on to really? just the feeling of butterflies erupting from my stomach?

it's always just that.

it's because they liked you. it's because you look like an angel. it's because you sound like one.

but i'm just one of the rest, waiting in line for a bit of sunshine.

i'd rather not waste my time.

but i can't deny
that when you walk by
i let out a tiny sigh

yeah, sure i was playing around a bit. but that doesn't mean i wasn't trying to find something real.

i didn't find it.

you'll forget about me. laugh when you do remember me. you'll shake your head and wonder why you even cared at all.

and i'll do the same.

i need a new fixation.

this is like word vomit. it reeks.

i shouldn't be doing this.

oh my vanity!

silly little amusement.

i can feel my devil horns shooting up from my head.

we shall see.

strong enough?

what am i talking about?

how far, i wonder.

i am shameless.

i am devious.

i am evil.

i am scheming.

guinea pig.

i really don't understand you.

master of the backhanded compliment.

i will bring you to your knees.

do i regret it now?

i suppose, just a bit.

i miss...

i just do.

it broke away from routine. it made me FEEL SOMETHING.

it's for all the wrong reasons, i know.

so what?

maybe i shouldn't have.

if only i'd have known.

i'm just bored and a myriad of other things besides...

and maybe i just feel guilty.

the sight of them still sends hiccups to my heart.

what if i was just testing the limits?

am i so evil to want to do this all again?

well... let's see.

can you say, 'social experiment'? *maniacal laughter*

maybe all i want is a little bit of FUN.

i have a fever, sore throat, a throbbing headeach and a semi-clogged nose. and i know why. i guess i deserve it... but... i can only feel the annoyance of being sick and none of the remorse.

and yet i still work. my slavery knows no end.

i really hope we don't have to ignore each other for much longer. not being friends is kind of... disheartening.

i can't help but check in on you once in a while.

so i'm a bit vain. did i ever deny it?

i can't believe you're leaving. and so soon.

we've only begun to get close. there will be so much i will want to tell you, to share with you... but you won't be here. it won't be the same.

when i write you e-mails, when you call me up on the phone... it won't be the same.

why'd you have to be so effing practical? why didn't you just try harder? ...just so you could stay here. don't you see you're leaving me alone?

who will i argue with on almost every opportunity? snicker with during boring gatherings? agree with on the stupidity of various people and events? WHO?

i'll miss you so much. SO MUCH.

i guess this is goodbye to the dynamic duo.

* * *

Buses and Trains - Bachelor Girl

Hey Mom
Why didn't you tell me
Why didn't you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn't you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They`re like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they're bad for me
But I just can't leave 'em alone

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we're talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest thing.

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again
I want to do it again

God really has a hilarious sense of humor. Every time I seem to forget that fact, He just rises up and shocks me into recall.

I wasn't counting on anything like this at all.

Just another complication.

I constantly feel like throwing up. Or that my heart is going to explode out of my chest. Or that I will throw up the heart that exploded in my chest.

Let's just take it slow, shall we?

GOD I AM SO STUPID.

this is not FAIR. i don't want this to happen!! gah!

please shoot me NOW!!

i must have looked like a total FOOL.

idiot!!!!!! why am i so INEPT? why am i so INADEQUATE??

as if anything will HAPPEN. as if i had anything to offer. goodness. i shouldn't even be considering this at all. it's just going to end up like all the rest. and i'm just going to get disappointed for about the bajillionth time.

whoopee!

BUT CRAP I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY???

i hate this. i hate it!

throwing myself off a cliff would be infinitely easier.

they should've hated you instead so this could be simpler for me to do.

i am filled with the incredible urge to rip myself apart in shame.

FORGET YOU!!

how?

my brain is turning into mush. i can FEEL IT!

there is nothing special here. NOTHING. what could ever be so special about you anyway? no one's ever seen it before. fat chance this one's going to.

MAN THAT IS SO EMO.

i must detach myself. I MUST.

POUND THE FEELING OUT OF YOURSELF, ISSA! COME ON!

i curse myself.

my friend and i saw this graffiti'd on a wall while we were walking back from a carinderia we ate in. for some reason it seemed signifant to me. i had to take a picture and share with you guys.

what i'm doing is just a desperate and despairingly pathetic attempt to hold on to but perhaps, more probably, to cultivate something with little or no substance whatsoever. i am chasing after something simply for the sake of it. i want to acquire it just to prove i can. it won't alter my life nor change any of my perspectives. it's a just a whim, an itch i want to scratch---nothing more, nothing less.

to have such a detailed awareness of the rationale behind my actions makes them even less excusable. it's really quite selfish and ultimately inane... but what's a girl with such determined ambition supposed to do? i cannot stand idly by and just watch all these trivialities brush past me as if it were another of the nameless forms that my eyes meet everyday.

but then again, maybe i should. it's not like any of my assertions are getting me anywhere either---which is probably why i only get increasingly frustrated by the day.

i'm just being impatient, she tells me. is that why my wishes are so adamantly denied me?

i cannot just repress the drive within me to make things happen. it wouldn't be me. besides, don't they always say that if you really want something, go after it?

perhaps if i knew if it was coming and when, i could content myself in waiting like a good girl should. but i don't and because of that, i cannot help but exhaust every faculty within myself and every opportunity that i come by in order to achieve it.

so forgive my stupidity, forgive my abrasiveness, forgive my unabashedness... but i must wear you down.

boy, was i ever wrong. what was i even thinking? when in the WORLD did i become so all-assuming?? don't answer that.

i'm such a bloody hypocrite!!

this is SUCH unfair karma. it should be on the other person NOT on me! gah!

i will be so glad once this week is over.

the only consolation i have is NO SCHOOL!!

i am so stupid, i can't even believe it.

this is... something new. i'm usually in stalker mode right about now.

i wrote an effing paper about people like you. i shouldn't even be wasting neural impulses on you.

what is this???

i really can't think of any reason why this should even be happening. i'm not even trying at all! and me without effort is... crap.

maybe it isn't happening. maybe, i just THINK it's happening. maybe you're just being nice. yeah... that has to be it. because stuff like this doesn't happen to me!!

ok. that's it. i will officially turn my brain off to this topic. i'm just going to get my hopes up.

the past few weeks have been weird. i don't know how else to describe it.

a few crushes have come and gone... and some are kind of dancing around in limbo land.

sometimes i feel like i live in school. it's killing me!

that's why i keep holding on to these shreds of bimbo happiness. they make it SEEM like my life is way more exciting than it really is. it's kind of pathetic if you really think about it.

in other news...

band stuff... PAYING OFF! hahahahahahaha!

my teeth hurt again!

ok. i'm sleepy now. ciao!

sometimes it freaks me out how much i've changed... and how i've managed to keep some things the same. every year it's like i've unearthed a new side of me.

* * *

i recently found out that one of my childhood friends is now MARRIED. i cannot get over it. she just graduated from college and has been in the states for less than a year and now she's married to some american guy. I MEAN, I USED TO GO OVER TO HER HOUSE AND PLAY DOLLS WITH HER!! i cannot get over it.

* * *

i am such a stalker. i disgust myself.

but i can't help it. seeing you is like a shot of pure ecstasy with an aftertaste of bliss.

* * *

i hope i didn't just bite off more than i can chew.

I CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU!

you are my sweetest downfall.

* * *

...i will love you more than that.

it's all just one fixation after the next. when will it all end? my tolerance just keeps getting higher.

i just want my little hole in the ground. my little corner under the table. my little nook in the closet... where it all doesn't matter.

i want something more. i want a reason. i want a muse.

how can i break in?

take my breath away.

* * *

Daphne and Apollo - Nerina Pallot

Venus loved Daphne and so did Apollo
So why can't I make myself like a tree?
Why must I burn daily and nightly
When nobody's running - well not after me.
Must I wait, must I pray.
For something good to come my way?

Oh Daphne was stupid! Oh, how could she do it?
How could she turn a prince from her door?
'Cause if you came calling, boy I'd let you in
But you don't come calling, not anymore.
So I wait, and I grow old
When I'm dead, then you'll know.
Do you know?
You know.

i want to puke out all my internal organs right about now.

how stupid could i get? how could i ever think that things would turn out differently?

but i suppose i'll get over it. now that i think about it, i'm not ready for it anyway. when i think about my priorities... it was all pretty selfish. it just sucks coz now i'll never get the chance to really know how it feels.

i guess in the end i'm just afraid to disappoint my morning people.

i wonder why though. i wish people would just tell me to my face so i can at least have the knowledge to better myself.

no matter how hard i try, i always seem to be misunderstood. i just have to keep proving myself, i guess.

i wonder if they hate me. coz it's hard when you put yourself out there just to know that nobody cares.

maybe i'm over-thinking things. or maybe i'm not. but i think... things will work out. somehow they just have to. i mean, looking back on a lot of things... it always does.

i dunno if there's some divine reason for everything. i could be clinging to that notion just to console myself. but hey, i just have to keep trying with or without them and hopefully it'll pay off.

i really want you. i hope you won't think any less of me when you find out. i hope i'll still get a chance to get close to you. coz that's all i want right now... that's really just all i want.

all the decent guys are either taken or gay. what are the chances that they're BOTH???

i really hope that this smoke doesn't mean a fire.

for the first time ever... i'm kind of excited. i don't know why. maybe it's all his fault but i am geniunely interested.

you are my new mission. watch out. i usually find a way to get what i want.

maybe i was wrong about all this.

i wanna get to know you. talk to me already.

i think... i'm gonna have fun. i'm a bit scared about some things but, overall, it's definitely looking up.

i only hope i have enough time for the things i really love.

i feel like throwing up. first day of school tomorrow.

it didn't quite turn out the way i thought it would a year ago but... well i think i did pretty much the right thing.

we all give in sometimes. we all need to make sacrifices.

i just hope i'm strong enough.

three years will pass soon enough. i mean, i can't even believe i've gone through eighteen already. it's kind of scary.

hopefully before it's all through, i'd've done everything i wanted to.

thank goodness my band's in a happy place right now. the only thing we need is time.

but we'll find a way. i'll find a way. it always works out in the end.

things have turned upside down between us, haven't they?

how am i supposed to talk to you?

what happened? one minute you were there... the next you were gone.

maybe i was wrong about you. maybe it's not so good you've changed. i'm trying to be happy for you because i love you. but you keep pushing us further and further away. why are you doing this? you know how much you mean to us.

all we can do is keep breathing.

how do i reach you?

i feel like i'm about to jump off a cliff. please let something go my way. PLEASE.

i miss the old disney films where everything was drawn and painted by hand. where the characters would break into song and dance. where they'd make you believe in happily ever after.

i'm a disney kid at heart. it's my dream world.

i am pocahontas.

* * *

why did you come back?

i left you behind that summer.

you can't just go saying those things to me. hope should not be given to the desperate. how will i learn to accept my fate if you keep doing this to me?

stop playing games.

stop the torture.

you should've left me a sign by now.

i miss you.

i hate you.

how dare you fill my head with these lying day dreams?

how was i fool enough to ever think that this was my decision to make?

you don't even know the meaning of support. it was so easy to say those words when you thought i'd pick out exactly what you wanted, right? asshole.

maybe it's for the best. i don't know. but fine. you win.

you want me to be happy. boy do you have a funny way of showing it.

you only care about what other people think. you only care what they think about your precious reputation. a cry of indignation from them and i'm the one who pays the price. well thank you. thank you for sticking up for me.

checkmate. only because i'm just a pawn now... but wait till i become a queen.

you won't be able to take this back once it's done.

know that you have traded in your flesh and blood for the appraisal of air and water.

i will never, ever regard you as family again. remember that.

you have betrayed me for the last time.

you will be my walking bank account from here on out. you should expect nothing more and nothing less.

be vigilant. my revenge will come in the night and slaughter you while you sleep.

i hate you.

with every fibre of my being, I HATE YOU.

so cheer up, mate. this is what you wanted, right?

i don't give up very easily. i have too much pride for that. i am driven to the point of insanity.

it's getting better. but never easier. i don't think it'll ever go away. this is only fuel to the fire.

i will get what i want. one way or another.

i don't blame anyone but myself.

a door closes and a window opens. that's how it goes, right? man, i sure hope so.

sucks to be me.

i think i'm going to stay. i think this whole thing was a sign for me to do just that.

maybe i have it all wrong. maybe i was afraid of growing up. maybe this is the chance i'm supposed to take.

now i'm a liar. that's something i've struggled not to be for a very long time.

it was a mistake to invest so much. i will try not to do that ever again.

i am such a loser.

i messed up.

i opened my mouth and let out the most disgusting bunch of word vomit EVER. what was i thinking? or better yet, what was i NOT thinking?

i let everything get to me. i psyched myself out and i went in there with a losing attitude. and so that's what happened. i lost every chance i had the first time around.

i know when i did well. i know when i have something in the bag. this is so not one of those times.

i wouldn't even pass myself.

i don't know whether i should be glad that there are consolation benefits or not.

so maybe i did try too hard but that's only because i wanted this more than any of those people.

passion can only get you so far. skill does the rest. i had one shot to show them that i had that as well and... i didn't deliver. i gave up inside. now i'm beating myself up over it.

i just didn't know what to say anymore. all my wit flew out the window.

i was such a pathetic little creature. everytime i remember that, i feel an overwhelming urge to stab myself.

well, i suppose there's always next year. and they obviously will not remember me. they couldn't even remember what i said the first time around.

great. i feel so much better. NOT.

Cristina Yang

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on confidence You scored higher than 99% on compassion You scored higher than 99% on dedication

Link: The Which Grey's Anatomy Intern RU Test written by mysticist on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

yey! i got my favorite character! hahahaha! i figured we were a lot alike...

* * *

what an adventure of a day.

the first part actually went really well. i feel good about it. i hope, i'm not expecting too much. i should psych myself down. I WILL NOT GET IT! I WILL NOT! guh. i don't want to get disappointed.

second part of the day kinda sucked. i failed. what if i failed the real one too? and i am so not confident about what i wrote. what if i missed something? what if they think i'm way, way derranged? what if they're not compelled?

oh well. at least my fate will be decided right? that's what i've been praying for. *sigh*

i need someone something to make me happy.

i'm so effing stupid when it counts.

tomorrow is a big day. wish me luck.

i hate you, mr. printer. you pick the worst times to go bonkers on me.

i give up. i don't know what else i can do with it. i know it's not my best work but... i suppose it'll have to do. at least it's something. fate will have to take care of me now.

* * *

as you know, i've been reading sophie's world by jostein gaarder lately. it's a beautiful piece of work. everyone would benefit from reading it. anyway, here's a couple of quotes i quite liked:

"Just as certain world religions say that people who do not believe in a personal God outside themselves are athiests, we say that a person who does not believe in himself is an athiest. not believing in the splendor of one's own soul is what we call atheism."
---Swami Vivekenanda

"Life is both sad and solemn. We are let into a wonderful world, we meet one another here, greet each other---and wander together for a brief moment. Then we lose each other and disappear as suddenly and unreasonably as we arrived."
---Alberto Knox

"Good and evil are twin threads that run through the history of mankind. And often they intertwine."
---Alberto Knox

tomorrow might be one of the biggest days of my effing life. GAH I'M SO EXCITED!! i just hope i don't disappoint.

GOD I AM SO... i won't even say the word.

hee.

goodtimes. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

giddyness.

i miss you.

you owe me? i need to collect on that. i need you to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok. i need you to be here for me.

i need you to put away your pride and think of me for a change. i never ask much. can't i have this?

i want answers.

so over you.

i don't understand how you make me feel.

"how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?"

"kung maibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo, hindi na sana tayo magkakaganito."

"Plato believed similarly that all natural phenomena are merely shadows of the eternal forms or ideas. But most people are content with a life among shadows. They give no thought to what is casting the shadows. They think that shadows are all there are, never realizing that they are, in fact, shadows. And thus pay no heed to the immortality of their own soul."

---Alberto Knox of Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World

* * *

Willy Wonka: I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
Charlie Bucket: My family.
Willy Wonka: Ew!
Charlie Bucket: What have you got against my family?
Willy Wonka: It's not just *your* family, it's the whole idea of...
[balks]
Willy Wonka: You know, they're always telling you what to do and what not to do and it's not conducive to a creative atmosphere!
Charlie Bucket: Usually they're just trying to protect you, because they love you.
[Willy looks away]

* * *

something i got from bea's lj that i quite liked:

meredith grey is a beeyatch. hahahaha! mcvet totally trumps mcdreamy.

ok. maybe not. but CRAP!! IT'S CHRIS O'DONNELL!! who the hell would NOT pick chris o'donnell???

don't answer that. i'm ranting here.

it's just that he looked so sad and... well... SAD. i so wanted to enter my tv screen and give the poor guy a hug.

yes. i know that sounds majorly psycho but chris o'donnell is one of my longest standing crushes ever. GAH!! i really hope this is not the last time he appears on grey's. he's not done anything for such a long time and i just HAVE to see more of him. HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!

that being said, the balance is beginning to tip the other way. midyear i was so convinced of what i wanted to do.

it gave me focus.
it gave me clarity.
it gave me direction.
it gave me hope.

but now i'm not so sure anymore. and maybe that's why i can't finish it as quickly as i would normally---because it'd sort of be a lie.

so i'm just waiting now---waiting for an answer to fall from the sky. and i know that's wrong and it's probably not even going to come because, apparently, God hates me.

but still. i don't want to ruin things for myself but at the same time i want to keep things in perspective.

i've slowly come to accept that maybe... maybe this whole thing isn't meant to be. i mean, it wasn't so bad. maybe i can deal with it. maybe i can do it. maybe i can get through it.

we're not going to make it anyway. they don't even want to fight for me. so why bother?

i should take the money and go.

and love? who says he can't be on the dark side of the moon?

i'm a self-righteous beeyatch---yes i am.

what do i really believe in?

i am such a tool.

it's just that i'd rather not know some things because i can't relate to them and they tear me out of this idealistic world that i've constructed in my mind.

maybe i should ease up and stop being so uptight.

but then it's not in my nature. that was the way i was brought up.

and what is up with everyone lately anyway? when did it become like frikkin' noah's arc in here??

God hates me. seriously.

let me keep the pieces
they flutter by so quickly
my pseudo-reality
gone with the wind

pocahontas is my personal hero.

should i choose the smoothest course---steady as the beathing drum?
...is all my dreaming at an end?
or do you still wait for me, dream-giver, just around the river bend?

listen with your heart, you will understand
let it break upon like a wave upon the sand
listen with your heart, you will understand

Everybody in this world lives with fear. It’s another thing altogether if you live in fear.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been living in fear. I’ve just been hiding it behind a mask of outspoken opinions, animated gestures and a wide, toothy smile. I’ve been trying to pass myself off as fearless but deep inside, all I really want is just to fear less.

* * *

it's all over.

they're doing fine. how come it's impossible to think i might do fine too?

what am i doing?

just tell me the right answer already. i don't want to think about this anymore. i always seem to turn out wrong.

am i really that hopeless?

maybe all this is futile after all.

maybe i should just suck it up, sell my soul and get on with it.

are all my prayers falling on deaf ears?

while studying for my chemistry finals... i churned myself a brain fart. don't ask me why. maybe all that reading about the many processes of acetyl CoA or whatever have actually generated enough ATP to get my creative juices running at optimum levels. WHO REALLY KNOWS? and honestly, who really gives a crap?

anyway... on with whatever it is my brain just spewed out...

* * *

wind blows
air flows
unseen life taken in, taken out
ordinary breeze breather

ordinary?
not so much.

compelling me into flight
crushing me out of sight

tresses swirl
tendrils curl
darkness swept this way and that
ordinary crown creator

ordinary?
not so much.

wishing for nearness
the scent to wash over happiness

orbs blink
doesn't think
a protector brushed aside and forgotten
ordinary vision violator

ordinary?
not so much.

you have made me dust in the wind
hoping to catch your eye

* * *

i've been trying to construct a proper poem around those last two lines.

i don't really know what to think of it, really. maybe i'll try something else next time.

i'm in a strange mood.

when do you really know if you've changed into another person... or if you've finally changed into the real you?

maybe i'm not real at all.

sometimes, i think about it. maybe i should just give in. i mean, really, what's the big deal?

but i know myself. i know i'm not like the rest of you. i don't think i'll be able to control it. i'm afraid that i won't want to. because i am so... vulnerable to its total possession. because i fit the profile. i keep thinking that maybe i shouldn't risk it.

but sometimes i wish i could. just so i could spend more time with all of you. so you don't have to feel like you need to exlude-slash-protect me all the time.

stupid. pathetic. useless.

maybe she's afraid your going somewhere where she can't follow. maybe she's afraid you're turning into someone she can no longer relate to.

somehow i understand her. somehow i feel it too.

the schoolyear's ending.

what's going to happen to me? what am i going to do?

i'm so pathetic. i cried when i watched dreamgirls. and i'm not really a big beyonce fan or whatever but when she sang listen on the movie (not the video---i thought it was too overblown there and lacked any sort of depth that she showed on the movie)... it was pretty awesome.

* * *

Listen -Beyonce Knowles

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own...

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago

Ohh I'm free now and my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your arms
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now i'm done believin you
You dont know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own...
my ownn...

i just want it over with. if it's not meant for me, i'd rather know it now. hoping is just too painful a state to be in. all areound me are words of confidence and they are deafening.

you're gonna make it.
you're already in.
see you next year.

you're going to be in a dead-end job.
you're not going to have a future.
you're going to fail.

one day i believe in one and the other on the next. it's tearing me to shreds.

sometimes i just want to throw in the towel. sometimes i want to jump in the middle of the street and do what deers do.

why did it have to be the music? why couldn't it have been crisp bills and microbes?

blame it on the boogie.

sometimes i wonder if i would've been happier if i had never met you.

maybe it's stupid to think we'll always have each other's back.

don't worry... i have my pride and fully intend to stop leaning on you. i just need a chance to do so.

"i just want you to know who i am"

we probably have nothing in common and yet you render me speechless in your presence.

shoot me now. i can't even believe i typed such word vomit.

my soul...
save my soul.

damn you musicians!! hahaha!

you don't even know who i am.

i am and i am not.

alienated.

sick of this. sick of you.

notice me.

stalker. they're all stupid stalkers. as if.

i want something real.

and she will be loved?

inadequacy is my plague.

i want to erase you. ALL OF YOU.

i'm not here for your entertainment.

i'm so tired of being here.

pathetic.

who am i to you? to any of you?

a transient shade worth nothing.

dust in the wind. hoping to catch your eye.

perish.

defined by you. how can i break free? how can i be more?

perhaps i am simply incapacitated.

sleep now. sleep forever. if only.

*sigh*

i did overreact, didn't i?

oh the drama. i'm sorry, i can't help it.

i suppose, neither can you but please, try harder to be more considerate of others next time.

it takes a lot for me to get angry at people i care about, so trust that it's for reasons that go deeper than a minute-long tiff.

if i love you, i won't scrimp on you. maybe that's why it's easy for those people to take advantage of me.

but sometimes, enough is enough and i have to tell you that.

my question had basis. don't upraid me on impulse. it's not fair. it takes a lot for me to be there and if i'm just gonna be treated like crap, i'd rather stay at home with my books who sit quietly on my bed.

you're not the only one who's stressed. you're not the only one who's tired. you're not the only one who's making sacrifes.

so why do you have the sole right to be angry or frustrated?

why must you always forget that i have the fully functional capacity to string together valid and coherent thought?

please. you're not always right. and i'm not always wrong.

When She Loved Me -Sarah McLachlan

When somebody loved me,
everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together,
lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was i,
when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall,
we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by,
I stayed the same
And she began to drift away,
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day,
when she’d say "i will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten,
never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me,
just like she used to do,
Like she loved me,
when she loved me

When somebody loved me,
everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together,
lives within my heart
When she loved me.

* * *

so tell me, have we come to this?

you and i were something then. and i keep telling myself it's still there somewhere.

is it though?

do i still fit in your life life like i used to?

can you still dig me up? do you remember how?

i don't want it to be a lie.

* * *

why am i squandering my time like this??? why??? guh. i just can't take it anymore. i've read these things a dozen times and, well, i just can't anymore. MY BRAIN IS REJECTING THE STRAIN. and i feel really guilty about it but then again... why force it? nothing's gonna get in there anymore.

i wish i hadn't said anything. now there is expectation that is apart from my own.

but then... i suppose i had to say it. if only to hear it out loud. make it something more concrete than mere thought.

but what if i fail? what then?
and what if i don't??

what will i do?

whatever will be, will be. if only if it were that easy.

i know i have to do it my way.

but i wish it would all stop. just stop.

i crave
an escapist's paradise
a fool's dream

i want an eternity in your safety.

this beautiful music swimming through my ears, forming enchanting little dreams in my impressionable mind.

maybe i'm following a pied piper.

for i follow this tune, blind with such obsession and passion that the rest of the world has fallen away.

i am going to hell and i do not seem to care.

and i feel myself look back at the poor, lame child falling behind. i know he will never catch up. i pity him and envy him.

he will go back home to his proper home, to his proper food, to his proper clothes, to his proper bed... while i will face a world unknown.

i am going to hell and i cannot pull away.

* * *

i've written some poems. it's good to know that my creative juices haven't frozen up inside of me. enjoy.

Ophelia

A crowd of eyes
Seeking meaning through this game of lies
Behind the velvet fog
Atop the wooden ground
Illuminated by false light

Look in, look in
Knock and look in
That is she of the dying breed

Smiles of sound dancing in her head
Pale hands clutching wilted flowers
And those eyes
Brown and staring
Wishing they were green
Like everyone else's
Just like everyone else's

Water runs through her veins

He killed her
She killed her
It killed her
They all killed her

A child drowned in the onslaught
Ignorance spurring its simplicity

Blood is seeping through the cracks

The lights dim
They stand as one
Those sadistic sentinels
And they shout into air,
'Bravo! Bravo!
What a fabulous way to die!'

* * *

Wind-up Doll

I have the mind
He has the will
Don't you wish
You could just roll us together
To get that perfect child?

Who'll do what you want
What you wish
What you will

Who won't raise questions
Who won't challenge you
Who won't rebel against you
Who won't run astray

You could wind her up
And make her go
and go
and go
and go
Wherever you please
She won't hurt
Won't care
Won't breathe

Take her apart
And then you'll know
Just exactly how she works
And see the cogs turn round and round
Whirring
Buzzing
clicking

Put her back together
And fix her right up
Whenever she's broken down
Make her smile
Make her pretty
Make her all right

It's really quite simple
Instructions are on the box

So don't you want her?
Don't you need her?

That sunny-smiled, pink-cheeked little wind-up doll
That you've been dreaming about?