i know i'm pissed off and hurt for no good reason at all. i know none of it could've been helped really---that it all was lost in translation---that i was stupid about all this.

see... THIS is why i am so emotionally guarded.

you might think i'm not. i deceive a lot of people.

you might think i've let you in. but you're probably wrong.

and this is why i'm so beside myself right now---because i let someone in and i'm paying the price that i've built all these defenses against.

i don't know the reason why... and i no longer want to know.

you won. you fooled me.

and i'm the shmuck.

i don't want to be the second branch. although i highly doubt i was even that.

it all just happened in my head.

i'm possibly even more blind than i thought.

i know what you're thinking, you jerk. you think this is my karma. and you know what, it probably is. just goes to show the kind of person you are, if you take pleasure in knowing that.

you know what, whatever. think what you will.

it could be a lot worse.

well, that's one distraction down.

i can't act like this didn't happen. at least... not yet.

you shouldn't have said anything.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO... you know what, i'm not even going to say it.

you don't even know i'm talking about you.

and if you do, you're an asshole. how can you even CALL me a friend if you knew you were going to do this to me?

i hate you right now. with a passion.

don't talk to me. i don't want to hear it.

de·spair /dɪˈspɛər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[di-spair]
-noun
1. turning away from a good that is impossible to attain.

* * *

maybe i am spoiled.

i was disappointed that you didn't think about it---that you didn't even try.

i shouldn't have to deal with that. it comes with my femininity.

is chivalry THAT dead??

it is unfair but whoever said that life was fair?

but then again... i suppose it's my fault. i confuse myself.

what is it we're doing here?

do i really wanna know?

maybe it's because i'm still desperately in search for a break in the monotony.

i just keep straddling the same old line. i never learn.

indecision's child.

i find myself captivated... but for how long?

maybe it's better this way.

who REALLY knows??

shoot me now.

*dies for about the twelve-millionth time*

who says death is the last great adventure?

it has never been so distant... so stupid. maybe this is the price i'm being asked to pay for the next transition. maybe i'm being called to leave it all behind---to reduce my aspirations to the shadows of fiction under the night sky.

maybe the only ones that are supposed to benefit are those innocent ears whose dreams are only just being wrought.

it has made me a better person. maybe that's all it was meant to do.

yet i still feel the tears brimming beneath my eyelids and i haven't even been begun to make out the dreaded silhouette on the horizon.

what shall i do???

well this is quite a pickle, isn't it?

such a distraction!

awkward.

say what you mean and mean what you say.

excited.

not what i expected at all.

maybe the prophesy has a chance after all.

everyday i miss you more. but every time i think of what that implies, i shrink away.

only in it for these moments---these senseless joys.

i can feel my dreams slipping away. all that i am holding on to will be lost to me in less than eight hundred days.

the clock has already begun to tick.

* * *

Three Wishes - The Pierces

We’d be so less fragile
If we’re made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she’ll be new again
Soon you’ll find that if you try to save her
It will lose her anger
You will never win

And you want three wishes:
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You want three wishes:
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
You want never bitter
And all delicious
And a clean conscience
And all it’s blisses
You want one true lover with a thousand kisses
You want soft and gentle and never vicious
And then one you’re saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

is this just another pretend? another meaningless preoccupation?

do i really feel anything?

if it was handed to me on a silver platter... would i want it?

it's fun but what exactly do i do with it?

confused and slightly bothered.

you never think that it's gonna happen to you until it does.

talking to you is about as natural as breathing.

it's different when it's standing right in front of you.

where's that spark?

i'm playing games that i don't want to win.

attention whore.

i want the golden ticket into that secret society.

but i'm neither in nor out.

limboland goddess.

give me the chance to deserve it and i can show what they can't even begin to fathom.

am i in search of perfection?

...then the only choice left unto me is a beautiful letdown.

another one bites the dust.

it's not that i get tired of people easily... it's just that i don't look before i leap. i'm so desperate that i forget to think. i over-glorify things---make them something they're not. i exaggerate to a fault.

and now i'm disappointed. oh so inevitably disappointed.

stupid.

* * *

i revisited louisa may alcott's little women and there is just one thought in my head: how could jo refuse laurie??? seriously.

i never really bought the whole laurie/amy, jo/professor guy thing.

it's one of those plot points that will just FOREVER bother me.

LOUISA WHY??? WHY???????????

i go back in about two days.

huh.

it all went by in a blink of an eye.

something missing.

constant need to obsess. distraction is the key.

am i imagining things?

possibly. PROBABLY.

is this remorse i'm feeling?

maybe.

why can't i curb these compulsions???

this is just sad.

returning to old favorites.

just because it's accessible.

it all doesn't feel real.

i can't even fathom leaving any of you behind.

is there no hope for dreaming?

is there a chance that you'll keep this living until i return?

hope for love.

it was a desert.

no mojo.

waiting for that special knock.

it's too effing cold for anything else.