it all seems a bit silly now.

sometimes... the truth... well, you just don't wanna know.

is this what i wanted to be part of?

i felt like shrinking. like everyone was hoping i'd just get the hell out of there. it's not supposed to be that way.

intruder.

that's how you end up with things you're not supposed to.

i wanted to shoot myself. throw myself in front of a bus. or something.

so inadequate.

i'm never going to find it, am i?

of all the stupid things to do.

SERIOUSLY.

i just want them to see what i can be. i want to show off a little.

but it's a whole lot of hassle for a whole lot of nothing.

i should just send a picture and be done with it.

oh nevermind.

it's times like this that i most acutely feel what i have given up.

i look around and see... just exactly what i'm missing.

suddenly all that i have, all that i say i'm content with... isn't enough anymore. and i realize it never will be.

i open up my hands and it all flutters away. and all i can do is watch.

when had i become so opposed to this?

is it because i never truly believed? even then?

maybe i am more logical than i give myself credit for.

because i don't remember ever being sucked into the whole fantasy. oh sure, outwardly i played along. because i thought they'd find it cute. but deep down inside, i knew the real deal. i knew how things really worked.

i remember wishing i did believe though. there was magic there that i could never seem to touch.

to one such as i, it's all selfishness wrapped up in a rainbow-colored box.

the songs i sing are devoid of meaning.

i lie here... wanting, lacking... continuously losing and regaining my sanity.

still so obsessed.

should i be embarrassed?

this is, after all, "so highschool".

but then... two years into this hell hole, i don't think i ever left that effing mountain.

i wish i could be swallowed up into a book or a movie where happiness is only a page away.

a girl can dream, right?

it's really immature, what you're doing.

i can't believe you've resorted to this AGAIN!

when will you STOP? when you realize enough is ENOUGH and that it's time to do more than just settle?

and we were doing so well.

fine. if you want it to be that way... fine.

why did you have to go back?

i was going to show you the world.

"I like to have somebody in mind when i sing."
-Mandy Moore

another year draws to a close.
another prophesy proven false.

so much for that.

it's all about you, isn't it?

i don't know why i even put up with this when i constantly have to battle the urge to smash your face in anyway.

* * *

maybe because there's no one else.

how sad is that?

* * *

i miss how things were.

can't we just get back to that?

when Everything and Anything were the topics of the day.

when we understood each other best and song was just another extension of speech.

* * *

i am not going to apologize for what i said. i won't take anything back unless it's not honest. but it's true so i guess you're out of luck.

i do apologize for the way you received it though. i thought you knew me better than that. and really, you should take it up with me straight if you have a problem with me. that way, you can hear explanations like a rational person.

this is so sophomoric, i want to puke.

In Secret

In the in-betweens,
when all is covered in the fog
I raise my head,
tilt it slightly---
ever so slightly---
and commit the perfect crime.

The victim fair,
oblivious of the time
I've stolen away
with just one glance
sent out into the fray.

I peer into the spoils---
a smile of triumph spreads
across my greedy countenance.

Now I possess the world.

For one word
is a thousand pages
written just for me.

For one look
is a thousand memories
in night-borne haze.

For one touch
is a million days locked
within chains of sweetest entrapment.

What shall I do
with such fine-woven air?
What shall I do?

I smack my lips,
savoring the bitter aftertaste of victory,
wondering sadly
if thoughts from the abandoned
shall give chase to me.

And as I prepare to stow
these betrayals of reason
these guilty pleasures
these secret treasures
into the depths of forever...

I blink.

The bag is shut.
It's all gone.

Dissolved in a whirlpool of color,
frozen and shattered,
reduced by fire to ash,
blown away in a second.

And so I turn away.
I sigh and I say,
'That's just another life
I've spent today.'

Wakened one night by a curious dream
and a voice that seemed to be speaking to me
like a far-off subterranean stream,
I rose and asked: What do you want of me?
---Arnulf Overland

it's times like these that remind me how much i'm getting left behind.

i can't hold on to me
wonder what's is WRONG with me

this is not how i pictured it to be. but then... who does?

when i looked into its tiny eyes... i had to wonder. was i destined for this someday?

i'm worried.

infetisimal. negligible. useless.

should've shot me right there.

maybe i should accept it too.

will no one come?

seriously.

Newton's First Law of Motion:
A moving object will continue moving in a straight line at a constant speed, and a stationary object will remain at rest, unless acted on by an unbalanced force.

stop me.

i want to DIE LIVE.

but how?

am i boxing myself up too?

unfair.

there is so much... so much just waiting for that perfect chance to be set loose.