can't get enough!!

i'm cheating and i know it but i didn't ask for this. i don't want to do it. I DON'T!!

so i'm guilty. and maybe i'm risking my "points" but... i don't CARE. maybe it was a mistake to get mixed up in this world. it's way too much hassle.

so did i finally lose out to her?

sometimes i wonder if you still spare thoughts of me.

i find solace in your leaves.

sweet, sweet escape.

my freedom is running out. i have already begun to mourn.

i'm getting tired of it again. my initial enthusiasm is disappearing. i'm losing patience.

stop waiting.

where are you?

forever can't be that bad... if the right provisions are met. oh how gothically romantic.

what is this? i hope it's not something i should be worried about.

i should write a booklist. i'm so excited!!

there probably won't be enough time for a little something-something. crap. might've done me some good too.

DUMBLEDORE IS GAY!! @_@ so weird! i never even saw that coming!!

i love you. heeheehee!

you've finally come to your senses.

i welcome you home.

wipe that smile off your face.

it's not supposed to be this way. it's selfish and underhanded but it's just not fair.

"my heart burns for you!"

addicted. can't get enough.

stalker. i will hunt you down.

guilty pleasures. i can't believe it.

i hope our day in the sun isn't as impossible as i think.

you fill me with light and all i can think of is you. you are perhaps the most beautiful creature i have laid eyes on. at least for the time being.

i love you and all that you represent. i have found what i'm looking for all and i anxiously await the time when it is all made real.

old haunts call me back. why is fate standing in the way?

i miss it. songs in my heart, grace on my toes, emotions flowing through me like the blood in my veins.

give me strength.

passable is enough.

what have i gotten myself into?

Welcome to the fallout: where the truth and the shadows have become blurred. This is the incompletion... and we are holding our breath. But look! The winds of redemption have come to within the confines of our frozen fists. "Behold, I make all things new." And in this newness there is hope for the hopeless, where the eternal lines of the heavens collide with our own humanity. In the divine comedy where up is down and down is up we lose ourselves to find ourselves. Love is the movement. This is the revolution.
---Switchfoot (Learning to Breathe, 2000)

There's just something about late afternoon sunlight passing through the gaps of the blinds while Jon Foreman serenades you in the background.

I finally had time to do all the things I've been meaning to do.

Stay up till the early morning.
Sleep in until the afternoon.
Fix my room.
Wrap my books.
Read said books.
Arrange my notes.
Watch my shows.
Explore new music.

As Mandy Moore so emotionally breathes in her awe-inspiring song, "Gardenia"; It's been good getting to know me more.

I can finally hear myself above the noise.

Everyone talks to themselves.

I visited the lives I once led.

I've finally come home.

I'm slowly losing the bonds that are keeping me here.

Everyday I fade a little more in your eyes. Tell me what I should feel about that. Tell me what you feel about that.

So many secrets will die on these lips.

I wish I could've felt differently. Then it would all be obvious. Then it would all be oh so simple.

I wish it were me.

If only you didn't live in land of clouds and light.

My dreams scream out your name.

Find me. I tire of waiting.

God is awesome. seriously.

this was nothing short of an intervention.

this sucks is a good thing.

get ready for massive boredom---for a veritable desert.

i could just see temptation disintegrating before my very eyes.

the fumes are making me hurl.

solar plexus.

i'm not even gonna ask.

it's not fair.

you're just mad because your superpowers don't work anymore and you can no longer pretend.

so everything is back to how it was. like nothing ever happened.

except for a few casualties.

lovely.

i really thought it was over. i thought this chapter was closed.

and yet...

what is this?

i was fighting urges too.

there are so many reasons against this.

nobody likes you.

i'm just not sure.

i don't want to be this person but i just can't decide.

either way it's complicated.

why did you have to leave me now?

this can't be happening to me.

i miss you.

you can't go yet.

in a lot of ways, i think i still belong to you.

i hate you.

why can't you see it?

it's not fair.

where are my prospects?

paranoid.

i don't want to be alone.

now that i look back on it... my god... how did i ever let it happen like that? what was i thinking?

what i did was despicable. i wouldn't speak to me too if it were me.

i let it all get to me.

i got excited and selfish.

things like this don't happen to me.

i wanted to feel... well, wanted.

and i thought, i don't know... that things would be ok. that you guys would laugh your problems off and throw the towel in.

because that's what i'd do.

i can never stay mad at anyone. but that's just me.

i wish i could take it back. because it really wasn't worth it.

i miss you too much.

i need you.

* * *

should i feel worse about this?

i feel guilty that i don't.

i just keep thinking, well, this is a hassle.

i keep thinking about how this will make things harder for ME.

why is it that i seem to have lost my love for you?

but do get better. i don't think you're quite ready to leave just yet.

i still need you.

* * *

i just wanted to see you for a bit and remember what it was like when i thought you and i...

well, when i thought of nicer things.

because stagnance revives old demons.

i simply need to.

i feel like i'm about to regurgitate my intestines.

i'm slipping further and further down the ladder.

Oh my GOD, what am i DOING? i NEED to get it together!! i want to die. shoot me. i am so incredibly pathetic that i deserve nothing less.

i'm pretty much depressed about everything in my life right now. it's really quite surprising i haven't slit my wrists yet.

i'm depressed about my love life---or complete lack thereof.
i'm depressed about my grades which don't resemble ANYTHING i promised myself they'd be.
i'm depressed about my music... which is struggling for breath.
i'm depressed about how i've lost (however temporarily) two of my best friends in the span of about a week.

and that's not even half of it.

emo. i hate myself.

it's like some positive feedback mechanism like shock. the problem just gets bigger and bigger.

i can't concentrate properly. i keep seeking escape.

into buttercups and sophies.
into cassandras and claires.
into betties and houses.

while i'm watching, reading, listening to words and voices that are not mine... i can lose and delude myself.

their life becomes mine. and in this pretend, there is happiness.

there is happily ever after.

god i can smell you from here.

why is everyone's life way more exciting than mine?

it's not fair.

i'm losing my smiles.

i don't want to do this anymore.

i want to sleep forever and fly into the freedom that dreaming permits.

it may not be real but WHAT IS REAL, ANYWAY?

as long as i'm happy
as long as things go MY WAY for ONCE...

what does it really matter?