i don't give up very easily. i have too much pride for that. i am driven to the point of insanity.

it's getting better. but never easier. i don't think it'll ever go away. this is only fuel to the fire.

i will get what i want. one way or another.

i don't blame anyone but myself.

a door closes and a window opens. that's how it goes, right? man, i sure hope so.

sucks to be me.

i think i'm going to stay. i think this whole thing was a sign for me to do just that.

maybe i have it all wrong. maybe i was afraid of growing up. maybe this is the chance i'm supposed to take.

now i'm a liar. that's something i've struggled not to be for a very long time.

it was a mistake to invest so much. i will try not to do that ever again.

i am such a loser.

i messed up.

i opened my mouth and let out the most disgusting bunch of word vomit EVER. what was i thinking? or better yet, what was i NOT thinking?

i let everything get to me. i psyched myself out and i went in there with a losing attitude. and so that's what happened. i lost every chance i had the first time around.

i know when i did well. i know when i have something in the bag. this is so not one of those times.

i wouldn't even pass myself.

i don't know whether i should be glad that there are consolation benefits or not.

so maybe i did try too hard but that's only because i wanted this more than any of those people.

passion can only get you so far. skill does the rest. i had one shot to show them that i had that as well and... i didn't deliver. i gave up inside. now i'm beating myself up over it.

i just didn't know what to say anymore. all my wit flew out the window.

i was such a pathetic little creature. everytime i remember that, i feel an overwhelming urge to stab myself.

well, i suppose there's always next year. and they obviously will not remember me. they couldn't even remember what i said the first time around.

great. i feel so much better. NOT.

Cristina Yang

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on confidence You scored higher than 99% on compassion You scored higher than 99% on dedication

Link: The Which Grey's Anatomy Intern RU Test written by mysticist on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

yey! i got my favorite character! hahahaha! i figured we were a lot alike...

* * *

what an adventure of a day.

the first part actually went really well. i feel good about it. i hope, i'm not expecting too much. i should psych myself down. I WILL NOT GET IT! I WILL NOT! guh. i don't want to get disappointed.

second part of the day kinda sucked. i failed. what if i failed the real one too? and i am so not confident about what i wrote. what if i missed something? what if they think i'm way, way derranged? what if they're not compelled?

oh well. at least my fate will be decided right? that's what i've been praying for. *sigh*

i need someone something to make me happy.

i'm so effing stupid when it counts.

tomorrow is a big day. wish me luck.

i hate you, mr. printer. you pick the worst times to go bonkers on me.

i give up. i don't know what else i can do with it. i know it's not my best work but... i suppose it'll have to do. at least it's something. fate will have to take care of me now.

* * *

as you know, i've been reading sophie's world by jostein gaarder lately. it's a beautiful piece of work. everyone would benefit from reading it. anyway, here's a couple of quotes i quite liked:

"Just as certain world religions say that people who do not believe in a personal God outside themselves are athiests, we say that a person who does not believe in himself is an athiest. not believing in the splendor of one's own soul is what we call atheism."
---Swami Vivekenanda

"Life is both sad and solemn. We are let into a wonderful world, we meet one another here, greet each other---and wander together for a brief moment. Then we lose each other and disappear as suddenly and unreasonably as we arrived."
---Alberto Knox

"Good and evil are twin threads that run through the history of mankind. And often they intertwine."
---Alberto Knox

tomorrow might be one of the biggest days of my effing life. GAH I'M SO EXCITED!! i just hope i don't disappoint.

GOD I AM SO... i won't even say the word.

hee.

goodtimes. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

giddyness.

i miss you.

you owe me? i need to collect on that. i need you to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok. i need you to be here for me.

i need you to put away your pride and think of me for a change. i never ask much. can't i have this?

i want answers.

so over you.

i don't understand how you make me feel.

"how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you?"

"kung maibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo, hindi na sana tayo magkakaganito."

"Plato believed similarly that all natural phenomena are merely shadows of the eternal forms or ideas. But most people are content with a life among shadows. They give no thought to what is casting the shadows. They think that shadows are all there are, never realizing that they are, in fact, shadows. And thus pay no heed to the immortality of their own soul."

---Alberto Knox of Jostein Gaarder's Sophie's World

* * *

Willy Wonka: I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
Charlie Bucket: My family.
Willy Wonka: Ew!
Charlie Bucket: What have you got against my family?
Willy Wonka: It's not just *your* family, it's the whole idea of...
[balks]
Willy Wonka: You know, they're always telling you what to do and what not to do and it's not conducive to a creative atmosphere!
Charlie Bucket: Usually they're just trying to protect you, because they love you.
[Willy looks away]

* * *

something i got from bea's lj that i quite liked:

meredith grey is a beeyatch. hahahaha! mcvet totally trumps mcdreamy.

ok. maybe not. but CRAP!! IT'S CHRIS O'DONNELL!! who the hell would NOT pick chris o'donnell???

don't answer that. i'm ranting here.

it's just that he looked so sad and... well... SAD. i so wanted to enter my tv screen and give the poor guy a hug.

yes. i know that sounds majorly psycho but chris o'donnell is one of my longest standing crushes ever. GAH!! i really hope this is not the last time he appears on grey's. he's not done anything for such a long time and i just HAVE to see more of him. HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!

that being said, the balance is beginning to tip the other way. midyear i was so convinced of what i wanted to do.

it gave me focus.
it gave me clarity.
it gave me direction.
it gave me hope.

but now i'm not so sure anymore. and maybe that's why i can't finish it as quickly as i would normally---because it'd sort of be a lie.

so i'm just waiting now---waiting for an answer to fall from the sky. and i know that's wrong and it's probably not even going to come because, apparently, God hates me.

but still. i don't want to ruin things for myself but at the same time i want to keep things in perspective.

i've slowly come to accept that maybe... maybe this whole thing isn't meant to be. i mean, it wasn't so bad. maybe i can deal with it. maybe i can do it. maybe i can get through it.

we're not going to make it anyway. they don't even want to fight for me. so why bother?

i should take the money and go.

and love? who says he can't be on the dark side of the moon?

i'm a self-righteous beeyatch---yes i am.

what do i really believe in?

i am such a tool.

it's just that i'd rather not know some things because i can't relate to them and they tear me out of this idealistic world that i've constructed in my mind.

maybe i should ease up and stop being so uptight.

but then it's not in my nature. that was the way i was brought up.

and what is up with everyone lately anyway? when did it become like frikkin' noah's arc in here??

God hates me. seriously.

let me keep the pieces
they flutter by so quickly
my pseudo-reality
gone with the wind