pocahontas is my personal hero.

should i choose the smoothest course---steady as the beathing drum?
...is all my dreaming at an end?
or do you still wait for me, dream-giver, just around the river bend?

listen with your heart, you will understand
let it break upon like a wave upon the sand
listen with your heart, you will understand

Everybody in this world lives with fear. It’s another thing altogether if you live in fear.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been living in fear. I’ve just been hiding it behind a mask of outspoken opinions, animated gestures and a wide, toothy smile. I’ve been trying to pass myself off as fearless but deep inside, all I really want is just to fear less.

* * *

it's all over.

they're doing fine. how come it's impossible to think i might do fine too?

what am i doing?

just tell me the right answer already. i don't want to think about this anymore. i always seem to turn out wrong.

am i really that hopeless?

maybe all this is futile after all.

maybe i should just suck it up, sell my soul and get on with it.

are all my prayers falling on deaf ears?

while studying for my chemistry finals... i churned myself a brain fart. don't ask me why. maybe all that reading about the many processes of acetyl CoA or whatever have actually generated enough ATP to get my creative juices running at optimum levels. WHO REALLY KNOWS? and honestly, who really gives a crap?

anyway... on with whatever it is my brain just spewed out...

* * *

wind blows
air flows
unseen life taken in, taken out
ordinary breeze breather

ordinary?
not so much.

compelling me into flight
crushing me out of sight

tresses swirl
tendrils curl
darkness swept this way and that
ordinary crown creator

ordinary?
not so much.

wishing for nearness
the scent to wash over happiness

orbs blink
doesn't think
a protector brushed aside and forgotten
ordinary vision violator

ordinary?
not so much.

you have made me dust in the wind
hoping to catch your eye

* * *

i've been trying to construct a proper poem around those last two lines.

i don't really know what to think of it, really. maybe i'll try something else next time.

i'm in a strange mood.

when do you really know if you've changed into another person... or if you've finally changed into the real you?

maybe i'm not real at all.

sometimes, i think about it. maybe i should just give in. i mean, really, what's the big deal?

but i know myself. i know i'm not like the rest of you. i don't think i'll be able to control it. i'm afraid that i won't want to. because i am so... vulnerable to its total possession. because i fit the profile. i keep thinking that maybe i shouldn't risk it.

but sometimes i wish i could. just so i could spend more time with all of you. so you don't have to feel like you need to exlude-slash-protect me all the time.

stupid. pathetic. useless.

maybe she's afraid your going somewhere where she can't follow. maybe she's afraid you're turning into someone she can no longer relate to.

somehow i understand her. somehow i feel it too.

the schoolyear's ending.

what's going to happen to me? what am i going to do?

i'm so pathetic. i cried when i watched dreamgirls. and i'm not really a big beyonce fan or whatever but when she sang listen on the movie (not the video---i thought it was too overblown there and lacked any sort of depth that she showed on the movie)... it was pretty awesome.

* * *

Listen -Beyonce Knowles

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own...

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago

Ohh I'm free now and my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside on words
Into your arms
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But i'll be movin on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now i'm done believin you
You dont know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own...
my ownn...

i just want it over with. if it's not meant for me, i'd rather know it now. hoping is just too painful a state to be in. all areound me are words of confidence and they are deafening.

you're gonna make it.
you're already in.
see you next year.

you're going to be in a dead-end job.
you're not going to have a future.
you're going to fail.

one day i believe in one and the other on the next. it's tearing me to shreds.

sometimes i just want to throw in the towel. sometimes i want to jump in the middle of the street and do what deers do.

why did it have to be the music? why couldn't it have been crisp bills and microbes?

blame it on the boogie.

sometimes i wonder if i would've been happier if i had never met you.

maybe it's stupid to think we'll always have each other's back.

don't worry... i have my pride and fully intend to stop leaning on you. i just need a chance to do so.

"i just want you to know who i am"

we probably have nothing in common and yet you render me speechless in your presence.

shoot me now. i can't even believe i typed such word vomit.

my soul...
save my soul.

damn you musicians!! hahaha!