i wish i hadn't said anything. now there is expectation that is apart from my own.

but then... i suppose i had to say it. if only to hear it out loud. make it something more concrete than mere thought.

but what if i fail? what then?
and what if i don't??

what will i do?

whatever will be, will be. if only if it were that easy.

i know i have to do it my way.

but i wish it would all stop. just stop.

i crave
an escapist's paradise
a fool's dream

i want an eternity in your safety.

this beautiful music swimming through my ears, forming enchanting little dreams in my impressionable mind.

maybe i'm following a pied piper.

for i follow this tune, blind with such obsession and passion that the rest of the world has fallen away.

i am going to hell and i do not seem to care.

and i feel myself look back at the poor, lame child falling behind. i know he will never catch up. i pity him and envy him.

he will go back home to his proper home, to his proper food, to his proper clothes, to his proper bed... while i will face a world unknown.

i am going to hell and i cannot pull away.

* * *

i've written some poems. it's good to know that my creative juices haven't frozen up inside of me. enjoy.

Ophelia

A crowd of eyes
Seeking meaning through this game of lies
Behind the velvet fog
Atop the wooden ground
Illuminated by false light

Look in, look in
Knock and look in
That is she of the dying breed

Smiles of sound dancing in her head
Pale hands clutching wilted flowers
And those eyes
Brown and staring
Wishing they were green
Like everyone else's
Just like everyone else's

Water runs through her veins

He killed her
She killed her
It killed her
They all killed her

A child drowned in the onslaught
Ignorance spurring its simplicity

Blood is seeping through the cracks

The lights dim
They stand as one
Those sadistic sentinels
And they shout into air,
'Bravo! Bravo!
What a fabulous way to die!'

* * *

Wind-up Doll

I have the mind
He has the will
Don't you wish
You could just roll us together
To get that perfect child?

Who'll do what you want
What you wish
What you will

Who won't raise questions
Who won't challenge you
Who won't rebel against you
Who won't run astray

You could wind her up
And make her go
and go
and go
and go
Wherever you please
She won't hurt
Won't care
Won't breathe

Take her apart
And then you'll know
Just exactly how she works
And see the cogs turn round and round
Whirring
Buzzing
clicking

Put her back together
And fix her right up
Whenever she's broken down
Make her smile
Make her pretty
Make her all right

It's really quite simple
Instructions are on the box

So don't you want her?
Don't you need her?

That sunny-smiled, pink-cheeked little wind-up doll
That you've been dreaming about?