it sucks to be the ophelia of this play.

because ophelia kills herself.

ok. it does not just suck because of the whole suicide thing.

but mostly because ophelia never knows ANYTHING. and because she doesn't know anything, she doesn't understand anything. and because she doesn't understand anything, she's helpless and utterly useless.

see the vicious cycle here?

i think being that separated from any sort of control over your life would drive anyone kind of bonkers. and suicidal.

and so you'd think that this would make people less inclined to help contribute to other people's ophelia-states but you are WRONG.

BECAUSE I'M STILL AN OPHELIA!!

and sure, i comfort myself in thinking that there are just some things that some people don't tell other people because they don't feel comfortable.

whatever.

WHY are you not comfortable?? how can i get close to you, become a better friend to you if you can't let me in?

i can't help but feel hurt about it, you know?

i just want to know what's going on. D*** IT!

because then maybe i could actually DO something about it. i hate just waiting while things go out of control. i want to pull the brakes---anything, really.

i want to know how to act around you. i want to stop feeling like such a useless friend.

i'm pissed off.

this is just so typical. WHY do i even bother? WHY??

sure, i understand the rationale. i just feel bad, all right? and i should be able to irrationally express it.

i'm not really mad at anyone. just pissed off at the way things turned out.

again, i am home alone on a weekend. botched plans. nothing nice to make the earlier part of the week part of forgotten memory.

and i bet someone else is way more pissed off than i am. which sucks because... i wanted this to be a bonding thing for us... so maybe she wouldn't feel that way anymore. or at least feel less of it.

and yet the complete opposite happens.

God hates me.

why am i still alive? seriously. coz nobody thinks i'm going to do anything worth... anything anyway.

my life is going to fall apart and i'm gonna go to hell. i am so sure.

DECEMBER ONE---portu anong gagawin natin??? ONE YEAR ANNIV NA!! wala pang pasok! THERE'S NO MORE EXCUSE NOT TO GET TOGETHER!! i miss you guys na! ANO BA!!

* * *

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
---Norman Cousin

* * *

All Good Things (Come To An End) - Nelly Furtado

Honestly, what will become of me?
don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day
til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

* * *

peter pan reminds me of better times

of secrets and hideaways
of worlds and wonder
of dreaming awake
of magic and make-believe
of mermaids, fairies and unicorns
of flying and eating clouds
of castles and forrests
of adventures and quests
of surviving on a basket of bread
of trees made of gold and silver
of flowers made of jewels
of magic mirrors and lamps
of being a princess with her prince
of kisses and happily ever after
of never, ever growing up

it's 6AM
what a beautiful day
do i have to go, baby?
not tomorrow
just push it all back
pull the breaks and
save me

i'll take this peace and go
coz i don't want to sell my soul

don't want to be lying on the floor
dying by the door
crying out for more

because tears turn to rust
when dreams crumble into dust

for so long i focused that part of me on you. but i've recently realized that you just don't matter that much anymore. so what am i supposed to do now?

i need so much more than that.

i can't help but ask for it. i want it. i've got to have it. my greatest fear is to do without it.

loving you
isn't really something i should do
shouldn't want to spend my time with you
well, i should try to be strong
but baby you're the right kind of wrong

some friends you are. you reek of unreliable. i can't wait until i can forget any of you even exist.

well it's alright
yeah i'll be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine
just take your love and hit the road

"i'm giving up your dream, i'm going after mine."
---ice princess

i'm going to do everything in my power to make this change. i'm so tired of being afraid.

do i have to be dark to impress you?
do i have to be dank to depress you?
do i have to thank you to supress you?

nobody knew
56 was the devil's number too.