i don't know what's going to happen to me. i don't even want to consider hoping. it just breaks my heart. it's an ugly, cliche thing to say but i don't know how else to put it. i just wipe it blank and cast around for something else. i can't think about it because i don't want to have to feel the pain when i'm proven wrong.

already i miss it. maybe at first it was the music. or maybe because i only felt like i really had a place in that circle for so short a time. i never loved it before and maybe i felt like i just got there... and now i had to leave it behind.

i don't want to go. but i know i can't stay. i can only hope to take something with me. my dreams are intertwined with them... and i cannot let that go.

i guess there is a price for almost everything.

i seem so cut-off from one world but so fused into another. i miss it, i guess. it gave me a chance to play with something i've idealized for so long. but i don't think i ever belonged there anyway. they're leaving me behind now... and i can't do anything about it.

who was i? nobody really. just some crazy girl with music in her head and fairies on her shoulders.

the catalyst but not the spark. set me aflame, why don't you?

i still wish for it, in a way. i never did stop. the idea of it will always be alluring. and i will always wonder if there was something i could've done differently.

as they fade away, i wonder... will i then be satisfied?

it would all be out of pity, though, wouldn't it? not because i really deserved it... but because this game's about to end and i've got a losing streak a mile long. and they would've tweaked the rules. but i find that i really don't care.

i'm losing my integrity.

sometimes i wonder if i'm just like her. because when i look into those eyes, i just wonder what it would be like.

i really am afraid. afraid of what's out there. afraid of what i don't know. afraid of the prospect of giving it all up. afraid of a future filled with regret's mournful tunes playing in the back of my head. afraid of looking into blank faces. afraid of having nobody really there.

i wish you could've seen me.

maybe there's just something wrong with it all. maybe i'm just not good enough. maybe there is no cure. maybe this is it.

so i ask you, do you really want to disappear?

you don't really know anything.

where is the connection?

aren't i?

just forget that.

i'll drill a few more screws loose in that head of yours.

and i remember the days when we never ran out of things to say to each other. i guess we finally talked each other out... and those days have passed away.

it's so hard to find hip-hop with depth now. how sad. materialism is such a sickness we are all unfortunately afflicted with and it proves to grow steadily worse in condition within all of us.

i don't see how you can still complain. you have everything laid out before you on a banquet table with platters of solid gold and succulent delicacies of every kind. why do you still look away and starve yourself? it makes your beauty wither away.

it sucks to know sometimes, that you have to change. that you know you just aren't enough at the moment. and you wonder if you ever will be.

help me stop because i don't know if i can.

sometimes there's just that puzzle piece that doesn't fit in anywhere... and suddenly that picture doesn't seem worth it all.

everything i'm holding onto seems to fall into that category. and i wonder if it's just because of some last ditch effort at optimism. maybe it's all i've got.

but i think i've always known somewhere in the back of my head that things just don't happen that way.

everything seems like a love/hate sort of deal. i guess that's just the way i operate... within grey areas.

so which door do i have to unlock to get out of this prison and finally take the life that's mine?

why do i keep deluding myself?

i'm slipping and i've just got to shut the hell up.

* * *

Only When I Sleep -The Corrs

You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
And moving from within
It clutches at my breast


But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappear
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm workin' through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep

Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


It's reaching through my skin
Movin' from within
Clutches at my breasts
But it's only when I sleep....


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
But it's only when I sleep


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep


In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High

i'm so hungry.

my brain is being eaten my microscopic germs.

what is it really?

i sigh and wonder.

there's nothing.

and i crave the yes and no.

anything. anything will do. i don't even really care anymore. i want it all to just stop.

i hope it's not serious. i'm already so detached.

i want to fix it. i really do.

resist.

trust now. put me to the test.

and i just want to stay there forever because there, i am found.

stop changing because i forget.

and it all boils down to the question...

why?

couldn't it have been?

equals in our own special way.

it would've been beautiful.

it's electrifying.

shut up.

maybe it's just me and that i might've gone under a short deaf spell... but i think that kitchie nadal has a bit of a grammar problem.

this is taken from the last part of her song. "same ground":

i never have to if all else fail
would you be there to love me?
when all else fail, would you be brave
to see right through me?

perhaps it might be acceptable now but last time i checked my subject-verb agreement... it's supposed to be "when all else fails". because "all else" is like saying "everything else" which is taken as singular in a sort-of mass noun sense. so, logically, the verb that comes after it should be in singular form as well or, in this case, in "s-form".

oh i am such a freak, i know. hahahaha! ...or maybe i've been getting too focused on those english drills in my msa college reviewer.

not that any of you really care... hahahaha! i mean, even i sort-of don't because i'm not really trying to diss this song or the artist. i respect kitchie nadal even though i'm not really a fan.

maybe, you know, this little detail just slipped her mind or whatever (i mean, i make typos a lot hahaha! ...let's give her the benefit of the doubt). but i guess i find it a bit weird that the record executives (or anybody else, for that matter) failed to point this out to her before she actually recorded this song.

in any case, it's quite a forgivable mistake, i suppose. and anyone who reads this goes away with some useless trivia which i usually find to be quite useful as ice breakers.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! goodness, nevermind!

The Good Kind - The Wreckers

'Do you wanna run away together?'
I would say it was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it...
And I walked along,
Waiting for you to come along.
Take my tortured heart by the hand.
And write me off.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

You forced me to become strong.
And I just cried, being weak.
And you think you know.
And I would like to think so,
But do you know that when you go,
I fall apart.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind.
No, it's not the good kind...

I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes,
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize.

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

No, you're not the good kind.
Good kind
No, you're not the good kind.
Good kind
No, you're not the good kind.

HOLY CRAP! 5,000 HITS FOR THIS BLOG!

utter coolness. thanks, guys. i know nothing in this blog makes sense to any of you but i appreciate that you still read it. hahahaha!

happy, happy, joy, joy!!

weird revelations...

i wish we could've met somewhere in the middle. i mean, of course now... there's absolutely nothing left but looking back on it... even though it wouldn't be much, not much could've been a whole lotta something.

like one of those cheesy chik flicks where deep down inside, you wish things like that happened to you.

why do you want to know? does it really matter that much? in my point of view, i've already lost out.

we're so much alike, you and i. but yet in ways you're still an example of how i want to be. i don't know where i'd be without you.

it seems like such a long time ago, it's scary.

i thought i didn't change... but i did. and i still will. i promise to be better. i have to be.

one day, i hope, that it'll be me. i don't know why. maybe because i feel it's like i've been robbed of a dream.

and i wonder if they regretted selling out. or if they ever got tired of it. because right now i can't imagine how they could. it was beautiful... i guess they took it all wrong.

to echo through time must feel undilutedly awesome.