a lot of CRAP has been happening to me these past couple of days. and this seriously hasn't really happened in quite some time. i mean, regular school crap... i could deal with that because of my class but school's over, all right. it's freaking SUMMER. it's supposed to be happy happy time.

why does this always HAPPEN?

the heck did you do that for?

why don't they just go away?

why didn't you stay?

please, please get it.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???

i hate this so much i even CUSSED today. and i'm usually an optimist---and i HATE cussing! usually. but maybe i'm just trying too hard to look on the bright side. maybe i'm just really a pessimistic like everyone else, after all. obviously now, i have nothing to be happy about. NOTHING.

today is that day. i clasp my hands together, lift my head up, and shut my eyes. i offer this last hope to a God with no reason to take heed of me.

what have i been doing?

do all scars peel away?

curb the addiction. it's time to stop looking at the ground.

throw it against the wall and watch it scatter on the floor.

what should i believe?

it's all been a lie. that was never me and it never will be. i just hoped it would.

light a match and let it burn.

nobody sees what this night chases. after all, what matters not is overlooked. run fast, little girl... run fast.

some secrets must remain secrets.

i cannot look back that way for it cannot be erased. perhaps i didn't regret it then... but i think i do now.

grow up.

and i thought i had hidden it away. i thought it could never touch me. maybe it was overrated... but it managed to seep through the cracks.

last night a coin fell into my sink.

you feel this, don't you? because that's simply how it is.

sometimes things don't need explaining because sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to. and we all just waste a lot of time.

not alot, not alot. we haven't got a lot...

what comes next? what comes now?

find me. i am extraordinary... if you ever get to know me.

and it all just doesn't matter.

don't go too far now, i might not be able to follow because i haven't taken a step forward for what seems like an eternity.

and maybe i HAVE stayed the same. nobody should have to.

last night i looked back and smiled.

summertime is when the waterfalls' call is much, much more bitter.

look up the word, "orphan".

i just don't want to anymore. it's just not worth it. it's simply... expendable.

i can't find my place. it's getting boring... perhaps it's time to move on.

i miss you. don't let go next time.

maybe i should camp out there... where the music never ends.

what if i have to go too? ...i don't want to leave them behind. i don't want to grow up.

slowly i'm turning away.

i am tied to things that could be gone in a blink of an eye. does this mean who i am is simply relative?

i hate this. i hate everything.

i want that.

something. anything.

run away.

frequently... frequently too weird. but i'd rather be there than here.

what's the buzz?

i am not.

where do i go from here?

i want to reach out. just afraid maybe. afraid that i might have to put more on the line... that there's no turning back.

i do care. but i try not to so much... because to care is to feel.

* * *

Castle on a Cloud
Young Cosette - Les Miserables

There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys,
There are a hundred boys and girls,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

MY 15 MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE OF THE YEAR

1. what do i say about this person? she's the friend who's known me the longest. seriously. if anybody can be a witness to how i became who i am... she'd be it. sometimes i wonder how she knows me so well because we actually don't have as many chika sessions as we do with our other friends. but i don't know... we just always... know. and it just feels right. this girl... is someone i'm sure will be there for me from start to finish and i love her to pieces. and you all know who this is now. hahahaha.
2. this girl... man... i have to say i took advantage of her a lot before... BEFORE. like a really, really long time ago. i bet she knows it too. ahahahaha. one of my CLOSEST friends now though and i appreciate every little thing she does and goes through with me now. she's a star who's probably not gonna read this but will go really far.
3. my goodness. she used to get on my EVERY nerve. she challenged me to no end and i couldn't stand her. we had a lot of issues. #2 thinks it's because we both have strong personalities but in different gradients. but now it's easier to see how we compliment each other rather than how we clash. bickering, arguing, and debating with her will always be a pleasure.
4. he's a confusing person and i don't think i'll ever understand him. not that it's a bad thing. he's always been a special child. hahahaha. but what i really like about this guy is he always manages to make me laugh. he doesn't try usually but he's just naturally... funny.
5. during schooldays, she is the first and last person i see. hahahaha. i've known her for SO long but i don't always know what's going on with her but i always manage to hear the summary of it from other people. they just LOVE talking about this girl... maybe it's because she's like everyone's bestfriend. a total achiever in so many fields, i'm just so glad i've gotten to know her more. amazing how one right year can do so much for a friendship.
6. sometimes i worry about him because he seems to be putting himself through so much and i'm just afraid that sometime soon he's gonna break---if he hasn't already. i think he needs to find himself. but really... i've had some of the greatest times with him and i really think highly of him. he's my best example of an absolute sweetheart and a total gentleman. he'd do anything for a friend and i'm glad i'm one of them! hahaha! sounds bad but i seriously appreciate his friendship.
7. i was a total jerk to this girl before and i was really, really guilty about it. i felt so bad that i'd lose sleep over it because she had been nothing but nice to me and i was out-and-out tactless AND stupid in return. we were able to patch things up, thank goodness, and i think we became closer than ever. this year would not be the same without this girl and she's one of the reasons it was such a blast.
8. he's got a big heart of gold, this guy. always giving. he doesn't think twice about the cost as long as he knows it makes someone happy. and i wonder how he does it. i respect this guy a lot and if one of my friends were to be spokeperson of Generosity Corp., he'd be that person.
9. i used to be really intimidated by her, to tell you the truth. i'd really go to a lot of lengths to avoid her because she sort of has a brash confrontational side that rubbed me the wrong way. and despite my efforts to stear clear of her, we still sort-of fought though never face-to-face which was even more damaging. i lost, of course hahahaha. i'm not really good with fights and anyway... i knew i was wrong. but now we're totally cool. i got to see more of that loveable side of her that has absolutely made a stamp on my year. i love her so, so much and she HAS made a big impact on me. things wouldn't be as much fun without her.
10. i always thought she was a nice person and she always sort-of interested me but i never really got to know her until this year. she really is such a good friend. i'm glad that we were together in a many pivotal moments in our young lives because i had someone to really count on to understand. even if we don't say much to each other... it still helps to know that we'll always be there for each other.
11. a total goofball, this girl. she really thinks up and says the strangest things in the world. and nobody---NOBODY is cornier than her. but what's even weirder is that people find it FUNNY and even endearing (myself included). she is the kind of person a lot of people want to be like and for good reason. i totally admire this girl and i really love her. the world would be a bleaker, quieter place for sure without her.
12. she's a tough cookie. everything about her is fierce and fiery. you can't help but notice her. she knows what she believes in, she knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. her confidence makes everyone she meets gravitate toward her. she's a true friend who'd totally be on the front line for you when you're in mess. she sometimes gets people into a lot of trouble unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) but there's no way you can't love her.
13. she was never exactly my friend before this year but my GOD it's like i've known her forever. now i don't know what i'd do if i suddenly could never see her again. she may not look like the most huggable person but i personally love hugging her. it's so easy to talk to her, to rag on people with her (all though not so much fun when she's ragging on ME), to laugh with her... i love being around her and she totally is one of the people that always manage to make my day.
14. she probably doesn't remember this but she used to be really mean to me the first time we were classmates. after that i sort of didn't want to cross paths with her again. that was until the last few years when i saw that there was something really different about her. she was actually sort of "glowing" and "blooming" as a person and suddenly i wanted to get to know her. and i did this year and she totally is one of my greatest friends and simply seeing her puts a smile on my face.
15. last, but not least... hahahaha. this boy is someone i sort of just met. kind of by accident really. but in a way... expected. he's one of the NICEST people i know. as in really. i kind of feel bad sometimes actually because he's just so nice to me to the point that i sort of feel like i'm taking advantage of him. but he's just a really, really good friend and i'm glad we get along so well and that we have so much fun together.

this is mine, you can't take it.

but sometimes one is just not enough.

all eyes on you. do you feel the heat of their gaze? you just have to turn sometimes, and see who's watching.

insanity for the unsolved seeker.

as i sit here and pour my thoughts onto plastic, i wonder where my eyes have gone.

* * *

"Someone once told me the grass is much greener
On the other side...
Well I payed a visit, but it's possible I missed it.
It seemed different, yet exactly the same.
Yeah 'till further notice
I'm in-between
From where I'm standing
My grass is green."
---As Told By Ginger

it's the same thing over and over again. i'm getting tired of repeating myself... repeating what i can't understand and what i never will understand.

blinded? perhaps. i've always been kind of short sighted... a flighty idealist with big hopes and even bigger dreams.

i've always wanted to know. but the opportunity to finally find out is something that i just have to let go. i can't do it. i have to stay... stay and see if there's a place for me. i'm allowed to be stupid sometimes too.

maybe the heat's getting to me. my brain feels a little melted.

i miss that. and now i have the weird urge to just cut it all off.

who cares about coherence? my thoughts never made sense and are never, ever organized. i don't think i'm meant to be understood. maybe no one is.

i'm dirty and discipicable. oh summer days.

i hate it. why do i even try when everything's set? just for the sake of it. just for the sake of pride. i have to prove something to myself. a score to settle. but how will i do that now? tainted. simply tainted. it's all a ruin, caving in on me.

but see... i'm crumbling too.

i've finally gotten around to making this chage.

* * *

i'm dead to the world.
i'm an escapist on a mission.
i'm a professional sleeper.
i'm... away.

* * *

knock, knock, knock...

nobody's home