i'm still waiting. a lot can happen in a seemingly short span of time. but it never is what you expect. don't expect for fate defies it.

Aa' i'sul nora lanne'lle
Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta
Cormamin lindua ele lle
Elen sila lumenn omentilmo
Cormamin niuve tenna' ta elea lle au'
it's time to speak up... time to stop sulking.... time to stop trying to get them to see... time again not to care and do what i want to do.

Amin delotha lle
Amin feuya ten' lle
Amin sinta lle?

none of this will make sense. don't try to string them together. it doesn't work that way. i'm writing as i feel. writing as it comes to me. writing because i want to.

maybe i never did belong there. what difference did i make? what difference could i make?

step back, step back... and you shall see... you shall hear what you could not before.

maybe i have nothing left to say.

maybe it will pass.

maybe it's because it hurts. a lot.

there's something different. i can feel it under my skin and i just want to run... run away. perhaps one day i'll have someone to run to other than the cold recesses of my mind.

i wish you'd shut up about it. i really wish you would. because i remember. because i shrink and doubt. i don't need that. i'm already too small.

why couldn't it have been? WHY???

i'd go back to that moment, you know. because i've lost it... i'd go back... again, and again, and again, and again...

i want to rewrite history. and even though there's nothing there but bitterness... i still want that. for pride and dignity, maybe. whatever it is...

they all keep piling up. they're driving me insane.

to scream. what good would it do?

everything just feels so useless. my pretty little dreams... they will always be just dreams. so what have i to live for? where is the promise of the better day?

growing up is not worth the angst of puberty. i swear. so much excess emotion. it's killing me.

if only i could edit history. so that they wouldn't remember... only i would carry the memory... but it would have lost its power.

bathe me in light.
save this shadow child.
i have to keep up. i can't be left behind... not after i worked so hard...

i can't go back to being unseen. but maybe i never stopped.

maybe that's why i let it happen. to live. to feel the rush flowing through my veins. to remind me what it felt to not just go through life like a mere phantom... floating from one time frame to the next. i was holding on so tight... it was just time to let it all go.

and maybe now i have nothing left to offer the winds and it is time to gather more for the next time.

it's time to go back... it's time to get real.

but it's so hard... dreams are just so much better.

sometimes i wish i could put thoughts into people's heads. because the human mind is so fickle. make them think of a certain someone day in and day out, theyr'e gonna think they're in love with them. my GOD. the stupidity of it all.

everyday people say they're in love. and i just find that so freaking annoying. most of them don't even know what they're talking about. i don't claim to know. i never have.

love isn't something that goes away.

it's so hard to care about anything else but what's going on in your own little sphere.

my back hurts. shoulder stings. i have a bite on my stomach. my eyes are heavy.

between who you are and who you could be
between where you are and where you could be
i've always lived somewhere over the rainbow.

just goes to show how much i can blabber about things that will ultimately mean nothing to any of you. you won't even understand this. and i don't mean you to. it's just way too fun to run you all around in cute little circles.

try to figure me out. i dare you.

when this song plays... i just want to race the winds and jump off a cliff and soar to the heavens, skimming the grey clouds against the inky black sky with my bare fingers. i feel like if i reach for the stars, i can cup them in my hands and keep them forever.

no, nothing else compares
you are home
find me. i tire of looking for you.

i just want to be in a better position to affect change.

i'm always just going to fly away...

"A huge collection of absurd utterings... entertaining."
-Daily Telegraph, 19/12/98

"If you are a dreamer, come in,
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!"
-Invitation by Shel Silverstein

"It's not that some people have the willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not."
-James Gordon, M.D.

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives."
-William Dement

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-Albert Einstein

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
-Umberto Eco

"We don't read and write poetry because its cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits necessary to sustain life but poetry, beauty, romance, love---these are what we stay alive for."
-Mr. Keating in The Dead Poet's Society

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
-Oscar Wilde

"When true friends meet in adverse hour;
'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower.
A watery way an instant seen,
The darkly closing clouds between."
-Sir Walter Scott

"Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."
-Mark Twain

"The 100 per cent American is 99 per cent an idiot."
-George Bernard Shaw

"Those who are easily shocked, should be shocked more often."
-Mae West

"Start every day with a smile and get it over with."
-WC Fields

hmmm... this is a small part of my ongoing project. it started from a really short story sabs squished into the last part of her palanca to me. as in really short. like a small paragraph short. and then while i started thinking how i would expand the plot... i decided to combine it with one of the other storylines that was, as pia would state it, gestating in my imagination. sooo... here goes....

* * *

Late afternoon sunlight was breaking through thin crimson curtains, streaking rose carpeted flooring. The golden rays danced in the bareness of this chamber for there was nothing to disturb their gaiety. Its silence was their own sweet song, its emptiness was their freedom, and they fed on it with lustful vigor. But in truth, this room was not at all that vacant. But perhaps the presence of its occupants was not acknowledged or at least often skirted because one's vision would rather fall on those rebels of the gloom. For the two dark pieces of furniture seemingly shrinking away into the solace of shadow-cloaked corners were not much to look at in the judgment of average eyes. Plain, distant and closed off in their ominous stance. They would surely bear down on all who dared look upon them. The true intricacy of those deceivingly ordinary carvings, the rustic smell of their antiquity and all the secrets they held within... were only for one being---the solitary visitor to this venue.

Possibly its lack of guests could be faulted on its lack of entryways. For there was no door into this scarlet expanse... only the tiny rosewood window facing the east, caressing its gifts. At most, people from the outside would peer in for a few moments, then walk away, muttering curses under their breath for they had wasted their precious time on such bleakness. Or in the cases that this chamber captured their interest, they just did not care enough to explore it. After all, the only things that were visible to them inside were a dresser and a closet.

But the window remained open... just a little shrouded.

once i think about it... there's nothing wrong. i could be content with everything as it is. and i SHOULD be content.

forgive my shallowness but...

*sigh*

i was maybe just hoping for a different ending this year.

maybe i should stop looking so hard. because that's when you find things. ironic but unfortunately true.

* * *

as i flipped through pages of who i used to be... who i would never be again... i wonder who i will be...

* * *

"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you... kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight."

-Liv Tyler as Faye in That Thing You Do

* * *

it was so much easier to be happy about christmas when one is still unblemished by the scalding touch of age.

deep in their tiny little hearts lie the desire---what REALLY mattered to them. so what if it wasn't what SHOULD matter?

forgive the children for their lack of perspective...
forgive them for they are still cloaked in the bliss of ignorance...
under the sweet sky of naivety...

last night i had something to say.

then i forgot it when i woke up.

* * *

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME? Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

i look over my shoulder at my brother who is sitting at the edge of the sofa, absorbed in playing with his new video game, his face taut with anxiety, his dark brown eyes seem glazed with a thin film of some sort. there are no thoughts going through his mind except those inane flashes induced by that mechanical box in front of him. and i envy his obvious lack of any kind of brain activity or workload for the christmas holidays. he can sleep and wake whenever it pleases him... doing whatever strikes his thirteen-year-old fancy.

and here i am... burdened to no end. i have no christmas break. there is so much work, and i am lost in the middle of it. i want to escape. yet i know that there is none to be had. i will merely tire of searching for an exit i shall never find, break down and die of exhaustion. yet for the meantime, i am simply contemplating whether or not i should start banging my head on the wall only a few forgiving meters away from me.

i believe i have put on 50 more pounds despite the fact that i had just weighed myself on lorra's weighing scale a few hours ago and it told me i was a skeletal 98 lbs. perhaps there is a cross superglued to my back. and it is threatening to crush me into fine powder lest i neglect it by allowing myself to slouch even for just a few seconds.

it is pure evil, i say, to impose work on children during christmas (yes, i am a child). is it not a time we should spend in the company of family, friends and loved ones, celebrating the birth of our saviour, savoring in the succulent feasts prepared in his honor and opening presents under the christmas tree? how then can we truly feel his goodness when a demon has taken residence within our being? oh and this malignance has a voice! it speaks with such acidity---nagging, chastising, aggravating, shouting, screaming, shrieking!

i seek silence! i crave for peace! i desire happiness! i yearn for bliss!

...yet they come not.

am i destined to forever wait for blessings that will never fall at my feet?

i went down the stairs, my sandals clunking emptily as they made contact with the wooden steps, slightly embossed in the pale golden light of the late afternoon sun. my brain felt numbed within my skull as it tried somehow, though in vain, to concentrate on the hollow sounds my shoes were making instead of the hollowness pumping forth from my heart.

it weighed heavily on me that day.

i felt wilted. drained. everything about me was as palid as my skin had come to be. my prayers for a messiah had, it seemed, gone unanswered yet again. even tears would not come to my rescue. but then... who was i to implore such a thing?

who was i?

i let the question settle within myself as my feet finally reached the marble landing of the first floor. i traipsed past the sitting room to crouch beneath the round dining room table, like i used to when i was but an innocent toddler.

the dark wood comforted me, the table cloth shrouded me and the carpet cushioned me. i hugged my knees, unsure of what to do next. what would this childish hiding gain me?

i used to believe that with this simple action, i was lost to the world. but with age, i have learned that the world cannot lose you... but you can lose the world.

and had i lost the world? ---did i have a world to lose?

and as much as i wanted to believe... i could not. not anymore.

just then a small, dark form joined me and broke my solitude, her amber eyes piercing into my soul. she knew my pain but could not understand it. and how could she? she had but a simple life.

a simple life: something that i think will forever elude my sad existence.

i caressed my companion and satisfied her craving for attention. and as i stroked her, i realized... she and i were akin.

people had a hard time finding her as well for, like me, she was a silent shadow child. the bell around her neck only served those who seeked her pressence.

but then... she had no competition and she was often looked for. yet she still found it necessity to make her presence felt. was she afraid of being forgotten?

to be forgotten---is there anything more atrabilious than to be forgotten?

i held her close to me. and perhaps it is silly of me to think so... but i would fancy that i let her know that at least i would never forget her.

i don't know what's worse...

being filled up with something that will ultimately lead to nothing...

or to be filled up with nothing at all.

* * *

maybe i'm even flightier than i thought. because suddenly realize how easily i tire of things and i just want to wipe the slate clean. or at least parts of it.

sometimes i feel like i just want to quit, pack up and never see them again.

but that's not how it works. i mean, i can't just give up. and plus, i WON'T just give up.

but just thinking about it... i just don't want to keep doing it anymore.

* * *

when we're together it's like magic. there's just no other way to describe it. and i don't want to ruin it by trying. because whatever words i spin together... they can never come close to its utter beauty and profundity.

i love how we sound.

i love how we make our music.

i love how we're the same.

i love how we're different.

i love how we compliment each other.

i love how we fit together.

i love how we make sense.

i love how we DON'T make sense.

i love how we're serious.

i love how we're NOT serious.

i love how we think.

i love how we are.

i love ERUEN.

* * *

that wasn't a poem, btw. hahaha. just messed up thoughts.

i want this whole week to get fastforwarded. i don't want to have to deal with such slow torture. it's grinding my brain into miniscule pieces. the dearth of time has taken full toll.

i fear that my being cannot take any further battering because it is already at the point of anguished surrender.

i am but a shell of myself. languid, drained, hanging by a thread to this thing called existence.

breathe life into me once more...

sleep calls to me from a distance... beckoning me with her hands of moonlit silver... oh but she teases me with but a temporary hiatus... how i wish she'd keep me till all the world has turned to ash... disappearing into the dark skies of oblivion.

in her sweet paradise, i am master of my own fate.

* * *

i remember, that my mom read me this story once... about this boy who felt the much the same way as i do right now. impatient... waiting for life to begin. unwilling to let life and fate drag me along in their agonizing torpor.

he was given this ball, with a golden string sticking out of it. and whenever he'd pull the string, time would---instead of walking in its usual steady pace---rush to meet the future. but of course, such allowance had a price. he could not push the string back into the ball. there was no taking anything back. but of course, he takes no notice of this. so he would pull... and pull...

and suddenly he notices that the string has turned as grey...

as grey as he suddenly was.

had let life pass him by.

i know that this story is telling me to appreciate the bad as well as as the good. to take things in stride and treasure every single moment no matter how insipid, that's what makes life... life.

but man. i am so not the most patient person.

* * *

Waiting For Life - Once On This Island

[TI MOUNE]
A stranger in white
In a car
Going somewhere
Going far...
How it must feel to go racing
Wherever you please
Flying as free as a bird
With his tail in the breeze
Even the fish in the sea
Must be longing to fly
Catching a glimpse of a stranger
In white racing by

Oh, Gods
Oh, Gods
Are you there?
What can I do to get you to look down
And give in?
Oh, Gods
Oh, Gods
Hear my prayer
I'm here in the field
With my feet on the ground
And my fate in the air
Waiting for life to begin

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
Mama's contented and Tonton
Accepts what he gets

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
Happy for tea in their cups
And no holes in their nets

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TIMOUNE]
Happy to have what they have
And to stay where they are

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
They never even look up
At the sound of a car!

A stranger!
Racing down the beach
Racing to places
I was meant to reach
My stranger
One day you'll arrive
The car will stop
And in I'll hop
And off we'll drive...We'll drive!

Oh, gods
Oh, gods
Please, be there
Don't you remember
Your little Ti Moune from the tree
Wake up!
Look down!
Hear my prayer
Don't single me out
And then forget me...

Oh gods, oh gods
Let me fly

[PEASANTS]
Oh oh oh

[TIMOUNE]
Send me to places
No one before me has been

[PEASANTS]
Ooh la ooh la ooh la

[TI MOUNE]
You spared my life
Show me why

[PEASANTS]
Oh oh oh

[TI MOUNE]
You get me to rise
Like a fish to the bait
And tell me to wait
Well, I'm waiting...

[PEASANTS]
Waiting

[TI MOUNE]
Waitng for
Life to
Begin!

[MEN]
One small
Girl

[WOMEN]
One small
Girl

[TI MOUNE]
Waiting for
Life to
Begin!

[MEN]
One small
Girl

[WOMEN]
One small
Girl

we again traveled to sibol to, according to sabs, "watch the auditions". but see... i had a plan! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i told her, you try out for roxane and i try out too---again. it took a lot of time to get her to agree (i even threw in the "it's for your father" tact) but it was so worth it. i struck the same deal with sam monzon who "didn't want to be alone". hahaha. i didn't really care about auditioning again. i mean, it passed the time. i think i would've been bored out of my mind if i hadn't.

my bigger plan is working. and it feels so GOOD. i feel like... i can breathe again. even sabs agrees that... this is something that needs to be done. it's just a relief... relief for a bit of change.

it scares me to think that something that dragged on for about 4 months... could disappear in a day.

it's like... my God... why didn't i snap out of it earlier? why COULDN'T i snap out of it earlier?

an excerpt from Jane Eyre:

Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.

hay nako. buhay talaga.

it always comes in full circle. always as perfect as destiny intends it to be. and perfection is beauty... but then again... beauty is in the eye of the beholder. and most often than not, it is bittersweet in its faultlessness.

* * *

classes again. back to reality nakanamputs. but you know what? ...taking into consideration recent events, i'm glad of it. who would have thought i'd need school as an escape? who would have thought i'd be seeking prison to shelter me from the harsh realities of the outside world?

it makes me wonder if anybody is really ready for pure, undiluted freedom.

i need space. too much crap is happening.

* * *

i miss you, mom... more than i thought i did. all i want for christmas... is YOU... to have you back home.

come back home. come back home.

gone already?

i was not even able to grasp it...
i was not even able to embrace it...

* * *

like water in cupped hands. it had not even touched my parched lips before seeping through the gaps and spoiling on the ground beneath my feet.

* * *

"so how does it feel to be harpooned?"

"not so bad, really. it just stings."

i wish i hadn't asked.

* * *

well, that's it then, isn't it?

as i watched it curdle into ash... i knew.

funny how much things change in a matter of hours. how complicated everything suddenly becomes in a matter of minutes. how different you are in a matter of seconds.

with all my sense, and all my overanalysis... it plagues me why i could not see this.

and maybe it was because i did not want to.

how many times have i said that?

i don't even know anymore.

being a girl is so HARD. mood swings are so annoying.

it's like the smallest little things just knaw at the back of your brain. at first it's tolerable and you can ignore it. but then it keeps knawing there and it just starts CHOMPING and you just want to snap and scream and say exactly what it is you want to say, do exactly what it is you want to do. just to make it stop. just to get it over with.

*sigh*

i don't know where it's going anymore. every which way i turn, all i can see are roadblocks and dead ends. i thought i saw a moonlit path hidden in the thicket... but the grey clouds have hidden it away and i'm just lost. lost and however cliche, however overused... i am alone.

there was nothing there. only delusions that i, stupidly enough, let whisk me away. now that the ride's over, i can see what bliss had dimmed. i can see reason. i can see reality. foes of such a flighty dreamer.

this world... this world seems not to be the place for people like me.

i know where i belong... i belong to slumber... where i have my own kingdom somewhere over the rainbow, encircled in...

but no.

i am cursed and blessed with existense. i must walk this weary path.

PUTEK KA!

PUTEK KA!!!

just when i thought... abaaaaaaa...

boo.

I dare you to move.