i woke up this morning wondering why. because i had lost it---the sense of it all. and i just felt stupid. just really stupid to have gone along with the obvious casuistry of my bollixed psyche.

sorry i wasn't good enough.

is it finally, finally GONE?

it seems so...

everything seems so much better after a good long sleep.

sleep... lethargic paradise...

so what's next? where am i to move on to? is it finally time?

taking a lozenge. disgusting. it makes my tongue numb. and while waiting for its sickly medicine-sweet taste to coat my enflamed throat, i muse.

it's senseless once again. hm, but then again... when did it ever make sense? it's fallen out. simple as that. question now: will it be falling back in?

my mind craves a new dose of vigour. my fingers lust after the touch of paper. my idle feet itches to traverse... to lose themselves on new terrain.

they must be satisfied.

i envy those who can turn their brains off because mine does not shut up.

the queens of winter have set to work as the months of cold start enveloping us in their spell.

do not be fooled by those forms of unquestionable beauty. look to their eyes. there you shall see it, glinting like no jewel on this earth could...

beware, beware... there is mischief afoot...

beware, beware... there is evil afoot...

they shall shed their tears of crystal ice

they shall laugh their giggles of chilling snow

they shall spread their solstice and the world shall be their frigid playground...

hail, hail the queens of winter!

sometimes passion and desire counts for nothing.

sometimes tears just fall and you don't know why.

sometimes people change.

sometimes you just want to get out.

sometimes you just want to throw caution to the winds and just do exactly what it is you want to do.

sometimes you just want everything to go your way.

sometimes you just have the urge to commit suicide.

sometimes you just want to change yourself.

sometimes you wonder why...

why am i not enough?

anak ng ponkan yung mga auditions na yan!!!!

WALA NA AKONG PAG-ASA!!!!!

i will never ever ever set foot in sibol again!

ok. maybe i will. but not for a very long time. nakakahiya talaga. it was so mediocre... it was so... GAHHHH. i hate it. i hate it. i want to do it again. yet i don't at the same time.

i did good. fine. good. but 'good' is such a general, avarage term. i hate being good. you don't get anywhere being good. i want to be the best. i want to be GREAT.

i will so kill myself.

but no... maybe i'll just endure the slow torture while waiting for the results. that's what mediocre, avarage actresses like me deserve.

my goodness. why did it have to be filipino?! I HATE FILIPINO. i freaking suck at it.

i hate it. i hate myself. i hate this day.

forgive me. you know who you are. i did not will it so.

why do i play games with denial, you ask?

and i answer you: what is there to be gained from admitting it?

* * *
self doubt is the enemy.

it has the uncanny ability to reduce the greatest people on earth into miniscule specks hardly even visible to the naked eye. indeed, there is evil afoot here.

are those who fall victim to this vicious predator weak? nay! nay! ...only human... only mortal... only finite beings that, along with astounding talents, have astounding faults to balance them out.

...and sometimes you have to wonder... will those deficiencies overpower your assets? because these imperfections have the unsightly habit of popping up just when you need to be at your very best.

perhaps you wouldn't really mind if society had more tolerance to error. but, being the hypocrites that we are, of course... one small hitch and we judge a person as a failure. another peg to be taken off the peg board. because we search and expect a level of excellence that no ordinary person can ever reach. such is our nature.

i am not saying it's wrong to strive for perfection. of course not. it is this drive, though unreachable, which makes us the absolute best person we can be despite our shortcomings.

so what am i saying then?

don't worry, i have a point.

anyway... as you can see, there is tramendous pressure laid upon our shoulders. we are required to be forever at excellent form, always on guard, always unruffled. it really is a wonder how we don't all crumble into oblivion under all of it. because we know that just one little show of folly... of weakness... has the unfair but uncontestable power to topple over everything you worked so hard to build.

but we must find fortitude somehow. because if we cannot see our own worth... how can we expect others to do so? despite common assumptions, we always know ourselves best. we know how we are, how we act, how we talk, walk, sit, stand... what we can and cannot do.

all that is left is faith. you do not need the faith of others. just believe and show them what you've got and they will believe in you.

*sigh*

but i am just a lowly, angsty, silly teenage girl with about as much experience to fill an eggcup. i do not know the world and the world does not know me. so i still drown in this saboteur... this thing we call self doubt. sometimes i am fortunate to find a buoy to keep me afloat, a rush of adrenaline, giving me strength that i need to be able to breathe and surface... but sometimes... i am swallowed up and i remain under for so long, sometimes i wonder if i will ever see the sky... if my lungs will be filled with sweet air... if the warm rays of the sun will ever touch my skin... if the cool light of the moon and stars will ever be seen dancing in my eyes again...

save me, save me... i am but a child.

* * *

beloved enigma...

when will you let me go? when will you let me fly?

why bribe me with your touch and sweet words that promise nothing?

I was talking to Cata while waiting for the Filipino portion of the oratoricals. She suddenly exclaimed out of the blue, "Lapit na tayo mag-fourth year."

I looked at her, knowing she was right. Hating that she was right. "Ayoko pa! Malapit na rin tayo mag-graduate! Ayoko pa mag-college!"

* * *

while we were going home from school, DJ Joey said that it was only 44 days till Christmas.

I didn't realize it was so near. My goodness. The end of another year??? Not yet!

But it will come. So... I've decided to make my wishlist.

1. A curling iron
2. a lot of different colored racerbacks
3. A pair of black combat boots
4. A lot of those sash belt thingies that i keep forgetting to buy at greenhills
5. Joss Stone's new CD
6. Switchfoot's new CD
7. Sarah Maclachlan's new CD
8. A CD collection of the best classical music
9. A CD player
10. New fishnet gloves
11. Arm warmers *yung parang sock na sinusuot sa arm pero malamang without the foot part*
12. A pair of khakis
13. A pair of red chucks. The high-cut ones.
14. A pair of black pants
15. A new pair of blue jeans
16. A white mini skirt
17. White sandals
18. A white tube top
19. A black tube top
20. A nice long, girly skirt ala-YRYS style
21. A nice long, denim skirt like what Britney Spears wore in that Sketcher's Poster
22. Those hot sneaker-boots *dunno what their called* from People Are People
23. A pair of those short, denim capris *dunno what their called*
24. One of those vintage tops with those psychedelic 60's drawings on them
25. The Chronicles of Narnia
26. Les Miserables novel
27. The Peter Pan novel

hahaha a little much? kulang pa nga yan eh. it's just what i want but i probably won't get even half of that coz some of them are super expensive like those boots. i think it's 1.5K. ahahaha! that's why it's called a WISHlist.

annoying!

* * *

thanks to my dearest ate nikita, i finally got the url of that flash film on deviantart titled "SMILE" by maladjust. check it out here (i advise you to read it before proceeding with my entry): http://www.deviantart.com/view/6966135/

when i first saw it, i almost couldn't stomach it. the dark graphic-ness of it sent me reeling. i was speechless when it ended. it took a few minutes for my brain to get up and running again. that's when i was able to grasp the symbolic poignancy of it and the overall irony of this society we live in.

why do they condone such irrefutably inane norms? why are we expected to conform mindlessly to these said norms? why are we chastised and disparaged for simply being who we are?

*given, of course, that the results of being who you are does not go against the fundamental truths of morality and justice.*

hitler for example, convinced is his delirium that the aryans were the superior race almost accomplished genocide in his quest to make everyone blonde and blue eyed (if you forgive the generalization). what was the fault of the hapless jews, i ask? does it constitute so grave and so barbaric a price? i cannot understand, for the life of me, why anybody followed such an overt headcase. he wanted to clone himself for crying out loud! that's how full of himself he was.

it is a grave hemorrhage of humanity, this desperate and ultimately sordid attempt to make every one just... another... clone. and who is the model? i shudder to think about it.

how can we pressume to know what everyone should be like? who are we to be the judge of that? oh, the ego!

in the short that you just watched... did his judges have the right to play God? could they not see their own transgretions? to persecute a person for simply not wanting to smile when they, in their hypocrisy engage in blatant acts of cuckoldry and asinine partying. wouldn't we all want to emmulate that... NOT! doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which is the real crime.

but doesn't difference result to disagreement and thus disunity?

yes, indeed we need unity. but that does not mean we need to sacrifice individuality. we are made what we are to play out different roles in, what i keep saying over and over, this grand game of pretend... this theater piece understatedly called "life". are not the actors in the plays we have in our theaters united in their diversity? don't they compliment one another in their variance?

what, reader, would the show be like if everyone played the exact same role?

i'll tell you: boring.

archaic. insipid. arid. driveling. sopoforic.

there's a free vocabulary lesson.

it is once we accept one another's blessed distinctness can we find ways to harness the gifts planted within each and every one of us and truly rise and be one in our goal to be the best we can possibly be.

non-conformity is not to be gossiped and sniped about. it should not be a reason for exclusion and ostracism. it should be celebrated.

be proud of who you are, what you possess. it is what makes you... special. however cliche that is.

why fit in when you can stand out?

notice not those who condemn you for your self-expresssion. they are simply ignorant. they don't know you. do not follow their suit by letting it get to you.

they may punish you for your defiance but wouldn't it be better to go out free of the shackles that bind you to something you cannot possibly be. go out as an original, staunch and firm in your beliefs!

* * *

...man i should really start taking my own advice.

so what do you think of my essay? ahahahahaha! i was in the zone.

lies

lies

lies

LIES

that's the only thing i can fault of you, you know? in everything else, i'm ready to take your side. but why do you think it's so necessary to sugarcoat every little thing?

just tell me.

gawd. we're not children anymore!!!

do you think you need to maintain an immaculate image? because let me tell you, it was never immaculate. you think we don't know? you think we're that dense?

please, do not insult my intellect.

it's just that you're transfering all the blame on him and even though this is mostly his fault---you had your own involvement in this.

don't you dare wipe your hands clean.

as of late this certain person has been annoying me.

i don't know why and it's really making me feel guilty because this person has been nothing but nice---the nicest you could possibly get---to me.

maybe it's because i've been spending way too much time with this person?

shoot.

but sometimes it's like when this person speaks... inside, i'm all:

shut up.

shut up!

SHUT UP!!!

but it's not like this person really goes out of their way to annoy me. it just happens. and maybe, you know, it's like those movies where you're stuck on a desert island with just this one person and it's like... you just get sick and tired of them. it's only natural.

i need a break. ahahaha.

i'll get over it.

Shadow - Ashlee Simpson

I was six years old
When my parents went away
I was stuck inside a broken life
I couldn't wish away
She was beautiful
She had everything and more
And my escape was hiding out and running for the door
Somebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me

CHORUS:

Living in the shadow
Of someone else's dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity
So if you're listening
There's so much more to me you haven't seen

CHORUS

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Mother, sister, father, sister, mother
Everything's cool now
Oh, my life is good
I've got more than anyone should
Oh, my life is good
And the past is in the past

CHORUS

Living in, living in, living in the shadow
Living in, living in, living in a new day

another excerpt from Jane Eyre... this one is from chapter twelve.

I had a theoretical reverence and homage for beauty, elegance, gallantry, fascination; but had I met those qualities incarnate in masculine shape, I should have known instinctively that they neither had nor could have sympathy with anything in me, and should have shunned them as one would fire, lightning, or anything else that is bright but antipathetic.

* * *

it's 1:14 am... i've consumed more than half of my carabao's milk and i can smell the sweet book smell from the novel lying open on my computer table.

and i wonder.

wondering. once you think about it, it's just another funny word. just another group of sounds strung together.

ah, the depth of such simple things.

leave it to mankind to make mountains out of mole hills.

words... words... it's all a play on words.

humor me, will you? indulge me, if you will. speak that which i wish to hear.

pretend, pretend.

everything is merely farse, after all.

oh but would it mean the same thing?

meaning---what is meaning?

a cruel invention of man yet again... to hinder... to hold back... from living? perhaps... perhaps not.

one day... maybe not soon... but one day... you shall see... you shall feel... EVERYTHING.

oh fudgesticks. this is absolutely nauseating. i so don't need to know all this.

LEAVE HER ALONE. we all are. she deserves it after what you did.

you always say that this is the last time. that after this, you won't bother anymore. but there's always, always another letter waiting, isn't there? i hate you. I HATE YOU.

geezahs.

don't you dare move us to farview. if you do, i will never EVER respect you again.

* * *

another "i don't know" added to my list for another day. i cannot help but feel as if i'm getting dumber because of all these things i suddenly do not know the answers to.

i just need... something new...