swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home
swing low, sweet chariot
coming for to carry me home...

* * *

i just realized it's been such a long time since i properly daydreamed.

hm. i must have wished on about a hundred dandelions. i must've prayed a hundred prayers.

is anything happening?

i suppose god/fate isn't like instant coffee. and i can't really have my way everytime. just like the message in BRUCE ALMIGHTY. where would the challenge be in that?

aw but sometimes you just want to shove all those challenges up hell's butt, don't you?

i know i do.

are you hiding from me?

or am i just paranoid?

maybe things were too good to be true.

i don't know what hurts more... knowing that you might not trust me... or knowing that i don't completely trust YOU.

an excerpt from shirley jackson's THE LOTTERY. freaky mehn...

"It's Tessie," Mr. Summers said, and his voice was hushed. "Show us her paper. Bill."
Bill Hutchinson went over to his wife and forced the slip of paper out of her hand. It had a black spot on it, the black spot Mr. Summers had made the night before with the heavy pencil in the coal company office. Bill Hutchinson held it up, and there was a stir in the crowd.
"All right, folks." Mr. Summers said. "Let's finish quickly."
Although the villagers had forgotten the ritual and lost the original black box, they still remembered to use stones. The pile of stones the boys had made earlier was ready; there were stones on the ground with the blowing scraps of paper that had come out of the box Delacroix selected a stone so large she had to pick it up with both hands and turned to Mrs. Dunbar. "Come on," she said. "Hurry up."
Mr. Dunbar had small stones in both hands, and she said. gasping for breath. "I can't run at all. You'll have to go ahead and I'll catch up with you."
The children had stones already. And someone gave little Davy Hutchinson few pebbles.
Tessie Hutchinson was in the center of a cleared space by now, and she held her hands out desperately as the villagers moved in on her. "It isn't fair," she said. A stone hit her on the side of the head. Old Man Warner was saying, "Come on, come on, everyone." Steve Adams was in the front of the crowd of villagers, with Mrs. Graves beside him.
"It isn't fair, it isn't right," Mrs. Hutchinson screamed, and then they were upon her.

We Dance -From Once On This Island

[WOMAN]
Asaka, grow me a garden

[MAN]
Please Agwe, don't flood my garden

[TWO YOUNG WOMEN]
Erzulie, who will my love be?

[ALL]
Papa Ge don't come around me.

[WOMAN (spoken)]
Ah, such powerful, such temperamental gods
rule our island.

[ASAKA]
Asaka, Mother of the Earth.

[AGWE]
Agwe, God of Water.

[ERZULIE]
Erzulie, beautiful Goddess of Love.

[PAPA GE]
And Papa Ge, sly Demon of Death.

[WOMEN]
Asaka, grow me a garden

[MEN]
Please Agwe, don't flood my garden

[WOMEN]
Erzulie, who will my love be?

[ALL]
Papa Ge don't come around me
Please Agwe don't flood my garden
Asaka grow me a garden...

[WOMEN]
We dance
[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
To the music of the gods
The music of the breezes through
The green plaintain
The murmur of the river and
The roar of rain
And if the Gods decide to
Send a hurricane

[WOMEN]
We dance...

[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
To their everchanging moods

[WOMAN (ASAKA)]
We know the gods are happy
When the green things grow

[MAN (AGWE)]
They're angry when the river
Starts to overflow

[ALL]
And since we never know
Which way the winds will blow...

[ALL]
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take no chance
Our hearts hear the song
Our feet move along
And to the music of the Gods
We dance!

[ANDREA (spoken)]
On the other side of the island, safe behind
high walls and iron gates, the grands hommes
dance to a different tune.

[ALL]
La la la la la la la

[DANIEL]
The drink champagne. Entertain tourists at
their fine hotels. And tell their servants,
"Polish up the Mercedes!"

[ALL]
La la la la la la la

[MAN]
Two different worlds
Never meant to meet.

[MAN]
The peasants labor

[WOMAN]
The grands hommes... eat!

[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
How fine
Our clothes are!
[ALL OTHERS]
We dance
[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
How fast
We drive!
[ALL OTHERS]
We dance
[ANDREA AND DANIEL]
We dance at parties...

[ALL]
While we are dancing
Just to stay alive...

[WOMEN]
We dance
[MEN]
We dance

[ALL]
What else is there to do?

[MAN]
But plant the seed
And pull the weed
And chop the cane

[TWO WOMEN]
And bear the child
And bear the load
And bear the pain

[THREE WOMEN, TWO MEN]
ANd as the rich go racing
To their own refrain

[ALL]
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take no chance
Our hearts hear the song
Our feet move along
And to the music of the Gods
We dance to the earth
We dance to the water
The Gods awake and we take
No chance...

[PAPA GE]
Two different
worlds.
Never meant
to meet.
But if the gods move
our feet...

[ALL]
We dance! We dance! We dance!

[MAN (spoken)]
Once on this island, there was a terrible
storm!

[MAN]
Many huts washed away! Many peasants
drowned by Agwe's angry waters!

[WOMAN]
But one small girl
caught his attention.

[LITTLE TI MOUNE]
Aaaahh!

[MAN (Agwe)]
And she was spared. An orphan, plucked
from the flood by Agwe.

[WOMAN (Asaka)]
Sheltered in a tree by Asaka.

[WOMAN (Erzulie)]
And sent on a journey by the gods. A journey
that would test the strength of love...

[MAN (Papa Ge)]
Against the power of death...

[MAN, WOMAN (Erzulie, Papa Ge)]
On this island of two different worlds!

[ALL]
The story of Ti Moune!

I Wanna Be With You -Mandy Moore

I try but I cant seem to get myself
To think of anything but you
Your breath on my face
Your warm gentle kiss I taste the truth
I taste the truth

We know what I came here for
So I won't ask for more

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way

I wanna be with you yeah

So I'll hold you tonight
Like I would if you were mine
To hold forevermore
And I'll savor each touch
That I wanted so much to feel before
To feel before
How beautiful it is
Just to be like this

I wanna be with you
If only for a night
To be the one who's in your arms
Who holds you tight
I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way
I wanna be with you

Oh baby
I can't fight this feeling anymore
It drives me crazy when I try to
So come on and
Take my hand
Can you make my wish
Baby your command yeah

I wanna be with you
There's nothing more to say
There's nothing else I want more
Than to feel this way
I wanna be with you
Oh yeah I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you yeah
I wanna be
I wanna be with you yeah yeah
I wanna be I wanna be baby
I wanna be
I wanna be with you yeah
Wanna be with you

On My Own -Eponine in Les Miserables

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to go no one to turn to,
Did not want your money sir
I came out here coz i was told to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

how do i tell you..?

it's still there
my mind is trapped in time.

my hands shake
lipgloss on my fingertips.

it's just a void
and i am delusional.

* * *

it's gone, it's gone
can't take back what's already done.

it flew away, away
as the darkness waned into the light of day.

and as it disappears from my sight
i do not regret it's flight.

for all my friends... my loved ones... you are my strength and i will always be here for all of you.

In This Life -Chantal Kreviazuk

Let me show you what I'm made of
Good intentions are not enough
To get me though today and this life.
You're in the basement watching the TV,
I'm on the second floor watching the ceiling.
We sleep underneath the same big sky at night.
I dream the same dream we can fly

You can run from me
You can hide form me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

Let me tell you who you really are
You're my comfort
You're not a superstar
I can reach up and bring you back down to the ground
And give you everything you dream about

You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

I'll give you all the things that I never get
Give you all I have and have no regrets
Take you to the places that I've never been
Forgive you all the things that you cant forget
Take away the pain with my healing hands
Wash away your sins and set your spirit free

You can run from me
You can hide from me
But I am right beside you
In this life.

Let me show you what I'm made of...

you learn something new everyday.

maybe it's just some latent psychological thing of mine to feel like i'm worth something more... for once. argh. i dunno. i just find it weird. and creepily coincidental.

hm. i think i jinxed it. this is so not a two-week thing.

shet.

*sigh*

* * *

how far?

what then? what would i be? what would i get? what would i leave?

can i even do it?

* * *

i've never been a risk-taker. i've played it safe for mostly all my life. because when you're safe... you're not vulnerable.

i am never saved. i am broken... i am hurt... that's all i take away from risks...

grabe ka. GRABE KA TALAGA.

hay nako. isa nanamang two-week thing. *sigh* nakakapagod na.

monay monay. sarap sabihin. EHE.

kablaggg!

sakit. i have GOT to snap out of this.

masarap ang pandesal.

katipunan rocks, pare.

NYAHA.

messed up thoughts... going out of my mind... drowning in the rush...

i've always been fascinated with the makahiya. the memory is almost a blur. but i remember her voice. and i ran around touching those leaves for who knows how long... i just liked seeing them curl up... and i'd try to make them stay open after that first touch... but they always turned purple and shrank away.

"are they going to stay like that forever?"
"no. but it will take a long time for them to open again."
"how long?"
"maybe tomorrow."

i knew everything and nothing at the same time...

* * *

"sometimes it's also because of the mother. for example the father just wants a simple lifestyle but the mother is ambisyosa. she goes 'why don't we have as many cars as them?', 'why don't we live in a bigger house?', 'why don't we have this and that?'..."

was she really that bad?

tears welled up in my eyes despite my efforts... because... i didn't know anymore...

there was just so much that they kept from me...

* * *

suddenly tipsy words are all forgotten...

you are not perfect. then why do you expect me to be?

i hate you.

* * *

wait i forgot... oh no... no... my mistake... wounds heal but scars never fade...

i got this from sha's blog. i listened to the song... the beat was... bleurgh... but the lyrics are gold.

Beautiful Things -Andain

Can I change my mind
did I think things through
It was once my life -
it was my life at one time

Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second,
then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through

It was once my life - it was my life at one time.

SOUNDCHECK!!!

i finally found a great song for this skin... it's "on fire" by switchfoot from their lovely new album "the beautiful letdown"

enjoy.

On Fire -Switchfoot

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

basic, fair, common question. but i find it one of the hardest things to answer. not because i don't know WHAT to answer... it's that i don't know HOW to answer.

i've learned not to voice it out because it's almost like it loses its reachability when it's put into words. like suddenly... it seems so very far away... so much more impossible.

but in my mind, i can see it clearly... almost as if it's something i'm planning for the next weekend. like it's easy. like these things actually come true.

i never liked settling for mediocrity. i never liked settling for anything less than what i want exactly. but then again, one can't have everything in life.

don't you find it weird how people say, "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" i mean, i think that's just stupid. why buy a cake if you're not gonna eat it? whenever i buy cake (extrememly rare cases because i'm not really a cake person)... I ALWAYS EAT IT! ahahaha! i mean, hello... what else are you gonna do? observe it? that's bull. whoever started that saying is a moron. really.

so that's why when i get asked about my plans for the future... i only have one answer:

"to be successful, peaceful and happy."

vague, yes... but true. wherever fate leads me... i just hope it's worth all those dreams that i've carried with me ever since i can remember.

people say dreams are free. libre managinip. but i think... they're worth more than that. maybe that's why they're so hard to give up... to put away... to lay aside... to throw away...

it's just so hard to picture my life any other way...