Put Me in the Car -Ryan Gosling

Shadows are my friends
And the light hits my face
And hides behind the clouds
And its institute of grace
And our children warm their beds
With dreams of growing old
But deception has run rampant
And their futures have been mistold

Chorus:
Just put me in the car
And drive so far
Until I'm free again
And whisper in my ear
That all these years
I've been dreaming
And then kiss me goodnight
And it'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all that I have ever asked of you

Darkness thinks I'm pretty
And the rain covers my soul
But the women think I'm ugly
They care not for hearts of gold
And freedom teaches nothing
If only to create
Lately innocence is jaded
Only preachers hate

Chorus:
Just put me in the car
And drive so far
Until I'm free again
And whisper in my ear
That all these years
I've been dreaming
Then kiss me goodnight
And it'll be all right
It'll be all rightIt'll be all right
It'll be all that I have ever asked of you

Just put me in the car
And drive so far
Until I'm free again
Then kiss me goodnight
And it'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all right
It'll be all that I ever asked of you

Yeah oooh...
Yeah oooh ooh oooh...

echoes.

that is what i call them. they are the only things i have left now.

faint whispers of voices long unheard... glimpses of places long unseen... traces of bittersweet sensations long unfelt.

the rest was blown away---to places where i cannot chase them... where i cannot hope to find them.

and so i cherish these remnants still in my grasp. oh but how they taunt me... for not a day goes by that i do not wish to be back there...

it hurts to breathe. i wonder why.
 
maybe i'm just way too paranoid. or maybe i'm not. i dunno. i've never been wrong before.
 
i should've known. this is who i am. i am destined to have no one.
 
it just felt so real. but the magic's gone and the fog has lifted. now i see, that my paradise was just an empty plain. lifeless and eerie. all i was having were delusions of green meadows and sweet smelling spring blossoms. it was all a lie.
 
this is all a lie.
 
shame on me... shame on me...
 
i just thought i finally belonged somewhere.

sorry things had to end up this way.
 
i can't ask you for a second chance. i don't really think i'm much entitled to that. probably all i can ask for is that i never see you again after...
 
*grins*
 
that would be sweet.
 
* * *
 
robert pattinson looks like justin timberlake + shaggy. bwahahaha.

      Don't you see it?

 

      It is a rift in my trust.

 

      Oh how it scares me so...
 
      She looked into the distance with her glass eyes. She could see it well and yet it seemed blurred somehow, like cruel mirages in the middle of a parched and unforgiving desert. And despite the humidity, she shivered as though an icy wind was sweeping through. She slowly turned her gaze, searching her surroundings. Though maybe not searching in the sense that she expected to find something. More like, searching to confirm her belief that she had nothing. She was alone... So very alone. She felt it eating away at her like a leprosy. Soon there would be nothing left of her.
      "I do not belong there and I never will," she whispered to herself, focusing her dark brown eyes back to the phantasm in the horizon. Her chest was rising and falling heavily with every intake of her hindered breath. It pained her. The temptation to stop insufflating was powerful but she did not give in. It puzzled her why.

      She was a drifter and she had always known it to be so. Sometimes she would imagine herself passing through walls, and walking down corridors unseen. And sometimes, she could almost swear these little daydreams were playing out in reality. Because there were those times... times she felt she was invisible... a mere phantom lost in a plane it did not belong in.

      Yet she had hoped that things would change. She indulged herself in these false hopes, only to be reminded that they were so much more painful than having any hopes at all.

      Things would not change. It was against her very self and her very nature. One cannot hide from who one truly is for it will always finds a way to resurface... no matter how hard one resists.

       Though perhaps she thought she was transforming into someone she was. But she did not understand. She knew so very little. Silly, ignorant little girl. There was an undisputed order. Rebelling against it was futile. And it will always put one in one's place.

 

      And yet, lo! A smile crept to her lips. Wavering though it was and perhaps maybe even forced... it was there, curved slightly on her dry mouth...

      For she loved them and they would always be a part of her... no matter if she wasn't or could never be a part of them...

Fallen -Sarah Mclachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, fallen...
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
And the lonely light of morning
And the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, fallen...
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
[2X]

no matter what kind of excuse my brain tries to make up...

it means nothing. my heart knows the truth. if only i could fool it... cheat it somehow. sometimes it can be done, can't it? ...but not during the times you want it to.

actually, it didn't hurt as much the second time around. i guess i'm getting used to it.

i haven't cried yet. maybe that's why my head hurts so much. but i'm afraid if i do give into my emotions, i might not be able to stop. i think that'd hurt even more...

and i need to be stable... i need to be strong.

it was a good thing after all that i didn't let my hopes run away with me.

it was a good thing after all that i cried all my tears away.

it was a good thing after all that i accepted my fate.

dreaming is free... but for people like me, it always just ends back up in rejection and failure.

when it shatters, it can never ever be repaired. no matter how much super glue or mighty bond you use... it's gone for good. just sweep them up then throw them away...

how long will i have to be eclipsed by you? how long will i have to stand in your cold shadow? how long will i have to endure the hate while you enjoy the love?

"Who the heck are you, Issa?"

hm. that's good question. WHO AM I???

i've been asking myself that for the longest time.

maybe i already know the answer. but it's just that it's not the answer i want. or an answer i'm willing to accept.

i am the odd one out. i am nobody. i am just desperate, dependent and alone.

are they my friends? ...sometimes i don't think so. sometimes i think they just hang out with me because they're too nice not to...

* * *

when i got the leaf with my name on it... i squealed. they hugged me and i was happy...

for like 10 seconds.

"i'm going to watch those pamu shows."

why did you say that?

does that mean i didn't pass komu therefore i will have to go to pamu? DID THAT MEAN ANYTHING??? IS THAT FORESHADOWING??? if it is... omg, i will DIE! no, no, no... i rephrase: i will CRY!!! A LOTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

again.

mauubos nanaman bodily fluids ko amputs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i want to slice my heart out, just to stop it from beating. i don't want to feel anymore. i've put everything on the line for another breakdown.

i blew it.

it's over.

i don't belong there...

who do i turn to in my time of need?
who do i call when i start to bleed?

Apprehension was thick in the air. I knew this day and I never felt so afraid. If you searched for all the synonyms for that one word, I assure you I was feeling ever single one of them. I couldn't hear or speak properly and my mind was refusing point blank to think of anything but my impending doom. I was a wreck, on the brink of total annihilation.
"Hey, are you ok?" one of my friends chimed concernedly from beside me. Her voice seemed so far away...
"Huh? What? ...Yeah. Sure," I managed to say. But the words that escaped my lips seemed to be coming from someone else. My head was spinning so badly and all I wanted was to escape but at the same time I knew, given the chance, that I would not. Not yet. Not until...
"Are you sure?" she pressed.
"Please, please can you not talk to me right now?" I pleaded. She meant so very well. But there was nothing she could do to ease my pain. If anything, she would add insult to injury. I was so very sorry... so very sorry that I disappointed everyone...
She pursed her lips. She held my gaze for a few more seconds then looked away. I wanted to apologize but... a part of me didn't want to...

* * *

Where was it? WHERE WAS IT??? I ran my hands down the tacked piece of paper. Did I miss it? And after franctically searching every stroke for about a dozen times... I knew... I knew that I had blown it. Again. I felt my knees buckle as I watched people on all sides of myself, break into almost hysterial happiness. And here I was, in hysterical dispair. I gave way, tears were falling from my eyes. I had only noticed now.
"Hoy! Wag ka na umiyak! Pumasa ka naman sa..." I heard someone say. But my hearing shut off just then. And all I felt was betrayal and inadequacy. How I wished I did not have to walk this path again... but fate wills it cruelly so... and I am but a puppet in her game...
"Ohmygod---SOMEONE GET HELP!" a piercing scream pierced my melancholly musings. I looked up. A frightened crowd had gathered around me. They looked worried and yet afraid to go near me. I put my hands to my eyes, to wipe my tears away. They could not see me like this.
But when I drew my hand away, I realized what caused their distress... it was mine. My tears had turned a horrifying scarlet. I was bleeding.

* * *

"Why won't you stop? YOU'LL DIE!" her eyes were shining tears of pearl and she was hugging me so tight, though every inch of my body was covered in my own blood.
"I---I can't," I whispered. Already speech took so much effort. I felt so numb, so stiff. Never had my skin been so pale. It wouldn't be long now...
"This is so stupid! You know it's stupid!"
She did not understand. How could she? She knew not my pains and she would never know them. So often had she taken them for granted. So often did I have to stand in her shadow.
I looked into her eyes for what I knew was the last time and I knew I did not matter...

fragile, fragile days with soggy early mornings. though of course, nobody knows. nobody ever knows.

how i wish i didn't feel like such an outsider. like i don't belong.

apathy would be a welcome relief.

being different is sometimes a gift but at other times, i just drown in its after effects.

i'd like to fit into those arms too sometimes.

don't you know how hard it is to look you in the eye, knowing that i don't make a difference?

who am i to you? who am i to everybody else? why do i even care?

it sears, burning me from within. save me, save me... i'm dying inside.

and so the lamenting has begun. even indulgence and distraction cannot stop it. i only hope that i'll have nothing left by the time That Day comes in its black-swathed carriage pulled by reanimated horse skeletons.

i have to try and be strong on the outside even though i'm crumbling within...

* * *

so ok... forgot to discuss the new layout... i seem like sucha Christina Aguilera fan. haha. it's just that i couldn't find "burn" by tina arena/usher (no they are not 2 different versions of the same song---rather they are two different songs that happen to have the same title). i wasn't even able to find "how soon is now" by LoveSpitLove!!! ... the layout's obviously so much darker than my last one... because i think i'm going to be feeling very dark in a few weeks.

don't you just love the image?

i'm frazzled.

is that even a word? hm... if it's not... i've just created/invented it. grar. i'm so... messed up. i feel so bad. i was so bad. i totally blew it.

how will i face them now???

there is no hope to be had.

time to stock up on tissues. again i will only have my tears to turn to.

this is what happens when you hope and try so hard to achieve something you were never meant to have.

if i had a gun and some guts... i'd be tempted to blow my brains out.

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!